I came, I saw, I blogged

Love in 400 words (or less?)

2012-02-12T16:03:00.001+01:00

A while back someone sent me a link to Love in 400 words, a competition of sorts online about writing the best tale in four hundred words. Now I don't think I ever got to four hundred. I even think this text is in dire need of some work, but I can't quite wrap my head around it, so for now.. this is it.

"The day I realized I had fallen in love with you I was sold. I didn't know what had happened, but it was something. Maybe the way your body grew in to your face during the last year. Later I've come to realize that all men go through this metamorphosis when they come of age.

The night of my birthday I realized my fascination had turned in to a crush. The way you moved, stood, looked. The smile on your whole face not just your mouth. How do you approach the unapproachable?

A month after that I realized that I could. Snuck my way in to your heart and your bed. It was the most amazing time I ever had. That's the night I started loving your chest. That's the second lesson I learned about men -the chest is the best pillow in the world.

The few months we had together was incredible. I remember planning our future when reality slammed me in the face.

You died.

You disappeared out of my life with a bang.

I've never hurt so much in my life, not before, not after.

And the chest... They opened the chest -and I hated it."

Let me know if you like it.
xoxo
M

Bekymret

2012-02-05T21:25:00.000+01:00

Jeg er bekymret -for alt og allting. Jeg tror jeg har vært sånn lenge, at jeg bekymrer meg mer enn jeg burde. Det er vel strengt tatt ikke bare en antagelse, jeg VET at jeg bekymrer meg mer enn jeg burde. Bekymringene er feks småting som at jeg er for stor, eller at jeg er for ubetydelig (okei, kanskje det ikke er småting forresten). Bekymrer meg for at jeg ødelegger mitt eget forhold med å bekymre meg for mye (!), for at vennskapene mine ikke varer fordi jeg er så dårlig og holde kontakt.

Bekymrer meg for hva jeg sier, hva jeg gjør, hvordan jeg ser ut, hva jeg har på meg... Strengt tatt bekymrer jeg meg for alt i hele verden! Til og med ting jeg overhodet ikke har noen kontroll på. I dag har feks svigermor bestilt billetter fra USA til Norge for å hilse på oss i sommer. Samtidig feirer min egen mor 50 årsdag noe som vil si at vi skal til Italia. Siden min samboer er av italiensk opprinnelse skal da svigermor dit også. Dette gjør at billettene for det første fra USA (pga sein bestilling?) er nå på 5600kr, og så er billettene til Italia ca 3000kr. Dette er noe vi gir henne i jul/bursdagsgave -so far so good, men så har hun bestemt seg at hun skal ta med seg søstera til samboer, og da bekymrer jeg meg....

Første bekymring, svigermor har ingen jobb, er vel over femti -og har da ikke nødvendigvis verdens gunstigste økonomi. Hun har de siste tre årene prøvd å selge huset sitt, uten suksess. Andre bekymring, søster til sambo er litt egosentrisk. Kommer hun overhodet til å ha det greit på denne turen? Strengt tatt kommer vi ikke særlig godt overens heller, men then again, vi sees jo heller sjeldent så det er vel ikke verdens største problem. Third problem -kommer vi virkelig til å overleve fire dager i Italia oppå hverandre, familier i alle retninger og ikke noe privatliv? Det blir hyggelig altså, ikke misforstå meg -men gud jeg tror jeg skal være glad når den helga er over i Juli....

jaja, bekymringer -de er ikke så veldig store lengre når jeg ser "Ingen Grenser"
Ble fort bråstopp på denne blogposten (smør på flesk)

xoxo
M

Kjære du

2012-01-27T19:00:00.000+01:00

Hvis du bare visste,
hvor mye du betyr

Hvis du bare ante,
hva dine ord gjør

Hvis jeg kunne fortelle,
hvor mye du er verd

og la alle de innerste stemmene få høre.

xoxo
M

Attention Span

2012-01-25T13:34:00.001+01:00

So my boyfriend reads, and has read everything there is online. This leads to him having the annoying quality of knowing -or that he thinks he knows, everything. Most often unfortunately -he is right. Here is my problem -I have the attention span of a two year old. Let me explain.

I start reading something online, like a Wikipedia article about something I zone out within minutes of reading it. That means, if the article is too long, I will not complete my read. Why am I like this? I have no idea. In all fairness I have spent five yeas in a university finishing my degree in Pharmacy -maybe I got enough reading back then?

It's the same with all the things I want to learn. Once I wanted to roller-blade. It was very "in" in the 90s, and comes and goes every now and then. I still wish I could do it, but as mention, my attention span is that of a two year old -and if I can not make it right away, I chose not to do something.

Picture editing, and taking photos in general: I've wanted to be a photographer for as long as I can remember. Last year I finally bought a camera, and since then I have even bought another two lenses to use in addition to the standard 18-55mm you get with your camera. Yet -I still don't use it as much as I should, and I do not edit photos at all. I even got myself adobe CS and this other program for editing raw format files, and yet, no editing is going on.

As of now I am on sick leave for about 4 more weeks, I guess I can spend some time reading up and watching videos on editing and maybe, just maybe I will learn something? Maybe, just maybe I will do something? I doubt it though. Now that makes me sound like I have little faith in myself, and in all fairness I do. But don't you know yourself too? Isn't there a whole lot of things you procrastinate over that just never gets done?

I blame it on the attention span..
xoxo
M

well hi there..

2012-01-22T00:06:00.003+01:00

Are you still around? If you are -wow, aren't you the most patient person out there. I haven't existed on my blog for ages.. And in all fairness I don't even know if I am really back right now.

Lately I've had plenty of time off. I've been on sick leave (not fully) for a while -which have resulted in me sleeping a whole lot more, and staying up a whole lot longer at night. Not working as much as I wish I could (without work I feel incomplete) and being depressed about not working. The sick leave was because of a ganglion on my foot, which I have now removed.

Before I went to surgery I read the surgery letter one more time -in which it said "no more than 1-3 days of sick leave might be necessary". That made me worried, as I had booked a flight to my moms for eight days, total of ten days after surgery. My doctor and the operating site had told me that it was most likely a two week sick leave after surgery. I worried for no reason. I now have a total of five (almost six) weeks sick leave, and I am supposed to be off of work until the 1st of March. That's a ridiculous amount of time, and to be fair I probably will go back to work before that.

My stitches needs to be removed within fourteen days. Today I freaked out because I couldn't put a shoe on my right foot, which means tomorrow when I leave the house I have to have a sock on my foot, and I will not be able to walk properly -and have to actively use my crutches. Fact of the matter is, I CAN walk on my foot. Only not outside -because it is winter and I can not wear flip flops.

This makes me depressed. So the likely-hood of me blogging more is no higher than it's been the last few weeks. Just thought I would let you know what was going on.

Lot's of wordfeud, lots of twitter, facebook... and if you wanna talk to me, a tweetmessage is just all it takes.

xoxo
M

Why

2011-11-09T22:55:00.002+01:00

Actually, that's a bad headline, strike that..

I am annoyed again. Annoyed because NRK once more has highlighted something completely USELESS, and which ruins a lot of peoples perception of the cosmetic industry. Let me first just get one thing straight. I don't mind that programs, TV-channels, Magazines or newspapers write about what we all do. I don't mind focus on important issues, or critique of things that might be dangerous. But here's the thing. When these things are taken out of context, and blow up to HUGE proportions.. Without it being fair at all -that's when I mind.

The other day NRK had another show focusing on "dangerous" substances in regular household items -meaning cosmetics/deodorants etc. They features pictures of a lot of our products, but also products at the food stores. The claim is that 40% of the products on the norwegian marked contain these "hormone disruptive substances".

I've written about this before, albeit in Norwegian. My conclusion to the question about parabens: They are not dangerous to humans, and have not been proven to have any hormone inducing or hormon disruptant effects in human beings. They are more likely to be out-compeeted (norwegian direct translation going on here) by normal estrogen in women, and probably also in men as estrogen is far more potent to trigger the receptors.The studies that I reffered to are using HIGH dosages, resulting in up towards having 75% of your skincarelotion packed with butylparabens. Imagine that.

The parabens that are used on the Norwegian marked is methyl-, ethyl-, propyl- and butylparaben. The allowed is 0,4%, and that is combined if you use combinations of the above mentioned. It is the most used preservative, and compared to a lot of others (preservatives) they are allowed all over the world. Parabens are one of the few preservatives that we know about that cause little allergies in regular persons. There are no studies to prove that it gives you cancer, and it is proven that if they penetrate the body they will be broken down and excreted.

What is also important to think about is that it isn't just parabens in cosmetics, there are also plenty of parabens in your food that you eat every day. The goverment, and the EU are focusing far more on those concentrations and effects than that of the skin care products. The amount that penetrates your skin is different compared to what you eat and digest, not that I have read anything on this.

Back to my point.. Yesterday a woman walked in to my pharmacy and said the following "I don't want a cream with anything toxic/poisionous in it". First of all, what do you mean by toxic, second -what the HELL? POISIONOUS? Do you think we sell stuff in a damn PHARMACY that will 1. kill you or 2. make you sick? Of course, a lot of things can make you sick, and yes, we do sell a bunch of weird shit, but WHAT THE HELL? The bad part about this was that one of our suppliers cream was unfairly put in the paraben category, when it clearly has none.

My biggest issue again is, what the hell about all these NEW things that we put in stuff to preserve it? Do we know anything about these? Adverse reactions, long term effects...

WHY oh WHY NRK do you have to make everything super suspicious and horrible, and give people the wrong impression. We all know that things on NRK HAS to be a fact/true. With me you guys lost a lot of points...

Kudos for focusing on stuff, Non-kudos for fucking it up

XoXo

Firehydrants

2011-10-30T22:07:00.001+01:00

So I realize my last few posts have been somewhat depressing. I am sorry about that. But in all fairness that's been how I have been feeling. To brighten up the mood a bit, here's some pictures of firehydrants on the walk between cambrigde (MIT) and Harvard university.

enjoy.

Backstory: We had an hour and a half to kill before meeting someone and took a walk. The last one that looks kinda snotty is the harvard one -he's probably very well educated.
xoxo
M

Vondt

2011-10-23T21:18:00.002+02:00

Jeg sliter med å uttrykke meg.. kanskje ikke så mye fysisk, men mentalt. Ordene kommer liksom ikke alltid til sin rett, og ting blir veldig ofte veldig feil. Noe som alltid resulterer i masse tårer. Sambomannen skjønner ikke hvorfor jeg må være så deprimert hele tida, og når jeg i tillegg skylder på ham (vel, det faktum at han satt hjemme og slappa av en hel lørdag uten å "gjøre noe") så fører det til tårer og sinne og frustrasjon... litt fra begge parter skal sies.

Så jeg får skrive, prøve å knotre ned på virituelt papir hvorfor jeg har det vondt, selv om det ikke vil gi noen logikk det heller. For her kommer problemet. Jeg er lei meg fordi jeg ikke er ekstraordinær. Jeg er lei meg fordi jeg ikke kan alt, fordi jeg er helt normal, og usynlig... jeg vil være noen, jeg vil bety noe -og akkurat nå føler jeg at jeg ikke betyr noentingsomhelst... for noen (av og til ikke sambomannen engang).

Jeg har aldri skjønt hvor denne trangen til å "være noen" kommer fra. Kanskje fordi etter at jeg flytta hjemmefra ble jeg liksom noen -jeg ble sett. Jeg tror noe av årsaken er at biodad aldri var tilstede mens jeg var ung, jeg følte dermed at jeg var "verdiløs" og uønsket og har vel strengt tatt slitt med det i veldig mange år. Grunnlaget for depresjonene og spiseforstyrrelsen kommer derfra. Og så alt vondtet... Når jeg har vondt gjør det så intenst vondt. Langt inni magen, bak magesekken og ribbeina, bak innerst øverst i ryggen der ingen kan se det, der gjør det vondt.

Noe av det er savn, jeg savner de jeg er glade i. Fordi når venner som flytter pga jobb, eller menn, eller kombinasjonen jobb/menn, eller bare studering plutselig befinner seg i andre land, og av og til i andre tidssoner, da gjør savnet vondt. Vi snakker ikke sammen, skriver ikke til hverandre fordi vi glemmer det. Og av og til føler jeg at vi ikke skriver til hverandre fordi alt er så tilgjengelig i dagens samfunn. Facebook, twitter, blogger, hvem tenker vel på mail lengre -let alone POST.

Jeg sier alltid jeg må bli flinkere å holde kontakten med folk, men så gjør jeg ingenting med det. Det er også noe som gjør meg trist, for da føler jeg meg enda mer håpløs -hvem klarer ikke ta vare på sine virituelle venner med all den tilgjengeligheten vi har i dag?

Og enn så glad jeg er i alle vennene mine, så føler jeg at de har det så mye bedre enn meg -de er så perfekte. Og dissa damene som blogger og utbroderer sine egne liv på nettet mer enn meg -DE er vakre de, og tøffe. Og så tenker jeg at jeg skulle ønske noen kunne se MEG også -men hvorfor skal folk se meg når det ikke er noe å se ?

Så til et paradoks.. Jeg vil ikke være noen bare for å være noen, jeg vil ikke bety noe for å overgå disse menneskene som jeg til daglig beundrer. Jeg vil være noen fordi jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne bety noe i noens liv. Beklager til mine venner som leser dette, selvsagt vet jeg at jeg betyr noe i deres liv... men.. dere skjønner det at Depressive M, sammen med Anorexi M (som spiser) -har vanskelig for å forstå disse tingene, hvorenn ulogiske de er.

Forskning har facinert meg i en periode, men så etter masteren så ble jeg ingen forsker, så nå føler jeg meg middelmådig på det feltet også. Klarte ikke det en gang hun der... å bli værende i et fag-miljø som GJØR noe. Igjen, skal sies at når jeg har en nervøs mor, eller far, eller generelt pasient stående foran meg i apoteket, og jeg sier noe som gjør at de føler seg trygge -da, da føler jeg at jeg betyr noe.

Hverdagslykke -hvor er du ? Når alt er så flott, hvorfor må alt være så vanskelig?
xo
M

When I am sad

2011-10-23T01:39:00.001+02:00

I get sad -it's just the way things are.

When I am sad, and I tell you why I am sad I don't really appreciate the "There's something wrong with you"-direction.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. I have recovered from an eating disorder, I've been eating for the past 7 years.

6 years 11 months ago I lost the love of my life to death, which made me remember that all things in life are precious, and you should take care of what you have.

27 years ago my dad decided in one way or another not to have contact with me. If it was guilt from his parents, if it was he being sick for a while, or if it was him being a jerk -or a combination of all of the above it made me who I am. I am insecure, I have problems trusting people, I have problems seeing myself as worth anything but dirt. But I try.

I have talked to nurses, to drs, to psychiatrists and psychologists and different therapists about this. I know what is wrong with me, I know all my quirks, I know my problems.. I get sad sometimes.. I get sad when winter is coming, and when the darkness surrounds us. I have these problems, this is me...

I wish it wasn't like that, but it is not going to go away. And in all honesty the last thing I need is when my best friend and lover tells me there is something wrong with me. Because I know. I know you are tired of me being depressed, but I am. I am not going to medicate myself again, I don't like being on medication, and I really don't think I need it. Sometimes life just feels like its going against me, and I feel sad and down and dark. All I really need is for someone to listen. I know it is hard, I know it is a lot of work -and I respect if it is too hard to handle.

Just know that all I need most times is a hug -not to tell me that there's something wrong.

I love you, with all my heart.

Insane and sleepless

2011-10-20T01:50:00.006+02:00

So I can't sleep... I'm in my bed, and have been for the last two hours it seems, and still no sleep... I'm thinking about all the things I shouldn't be. The usual as in: How my weight is still the same, how my work out routine still hasn't starter, how my damn foot is hurting so much I don't want to sign up for Crossfit before I can actually get my 925 NOK worth of training in there.. As of before operation = None. Operation time: who the freak knows...

"Man with wheelchairs at CDG"

Since my very very bad last blog I have been in the US for two weeks..We flew through Paris, a good experience over, bad one back home. Icelandair for the win, and even if it costs me more I am pretty sure I will chose them over anyone else no matter 200USD here or there...

"To New York I say"

I visited NY for my second time -and dropped by Magnolia bakery at grand central for some DELICIOUS cupcakes (Peanutbutter for the win). It was great fun with great friends, and we couldn't have hoped for a better day as the weather was splendid. In this blog post is some pics from the trip.

"Definetly not Low Carb Diet"

Back to my thoughts... I'm sad we didn't get the apartment we viewed and bid on right before leaving. I am also sad I can't seem to find any good ones for sale, and that the price of things is ridiculous. I hate it. Another sad fact.. I feel like I fail at life, that I am no good at anything (but my job) and that everyone else are living these fantastic great lives and accomplish all sorts of stuff... All I do is sit on my ass and make money... Useless much? Wtf is wrong with me, I should be allowed to let myself be happy, no?

"Lego blocks at Lego store"

Last rant of the night:

Then everyone seems to be debating low carb diets. First of all, what annoys me the most is all the controversy. There is no 100% right answer when it comes to dieting, nor is that my point of this statement, -Find a diet that suits you. NOT for the losing weight part, but for the feeling good about your self part. "Carbs" are not bad for you, but everyone should know by now that half processed, and full processed food is 1. often full of different sugar (eq. carbs), and 2. not very good for you. If you can cook your own food from scratch, and eat it in ok amounts, you're golden. Now if you have any disease, allergy, or want to lose weight -that's a different matter all together. I've found living without pasta/rice and other semi-processed stuff is actually quite nice. My intestinal system is doing just dandy (too much information) and I feel pretty much awake (well, except for when I do things like now, blog in the middle of the night). Whatever works for you, do it.. I will write a more medical view on it all later (after some article searches).

Frustrated and sleepless in Oslo

xoxo

99 things

2011-09-28T18:05:00.005+02:00

99 ting, stjålet fra bl.a. @speilvendt.

SIST:
1. Siste du drakk: Vann. Og kjenner jeg er mer tørst nå
2. Siste telefonsamtale: Mamma.
3. Siste mottatte sms: Biodad
4. Siste sangen du hørte på: There's a place for everyone (husker ikke sangen, den er på Glee)
5. Sist du gråt: Forrige lørdag? Etter at samboern tråkket på veska mi som inneholdt en stk nå ødelagt kindle... Gråt forresten også av latter i går når jeg innrømte at jeg måtte by 2,9 millioner på en leilighet uten samboers tillatelse (og ikke hadde turt å innrømme det på noen timer). Vi fikk den ikke, men jeg fikk i alle fall ro i sjelen av å vite jeg hadde gått så langt jeg kunne.

JA ELLER NEI:

6. Ville du hatt en med samme kjønn som kjæreste: jeg vet ikke, hun måtte vært veldig spesiell i så fall (men er ikke alle jentene "mine" spesielle da?)
7. Har du noen gang vært utro: Nei.
8. Har du tatt noe fra dine foreldre uten at de vet det: Det har jeg helt sikkert, men er generelt ganske ærlig av meg.
9. Har du spist noe som er giftig: Ikke sånn ordentlig giftig nei.

ENTEN ELLER:

10. Dansing eller synging: Synging, jeg nynner hele tida.
11. Cola eller Pepsi Max: Pepsi Max, liker ikke sukkerlaget på tunga etter Cola.
12. Jordbær eller bringebær: Jordbær, men bringebær er også deilicious.
13. Facebook eller nettby: Facebook.
14. Svart eller hvit: Svart, alltid.

DETTE ÅRET:

15. Har du fått nye venner i år: Jepps, noen må jeg da ha møtt DETTE året.. eller.
16. Sluttet å være forelsket: Nei, jeg har bare blitt mer forelska.
17. Ledd til du har begynt å gråte: Det skjedde som sagt i går.
18. Møtt noen som har forandret deg: Ingen, I don't change for people.
19. Funnet ut hvem dine virkelige venner er: Nei, ikke hatt noen situasjoner som krever det.
20. Funnet ut at noen har snakket om deg bak din rygg: Ikke funnet det ut, men alle prater om alle, det er bare sånn det er. Hvis du påstår du ikke gjør det se deg selv i speilet.
21. Kysset noen fra din top friends liste: ? Quote Kari "Lillesmurf" "Top friend-liste? Vet ikke hva det er en gang jeg…Er dette et tegn på at jeg begynner å bli gammel?"

SANNHET:

23. Hvor mange barn vil du ha: To, helst en av hver. Samboern har navn på to jenter klar allerede så vi får nå se (han vil ha tre)
24. Har du kjæledyr: Nei, men katten min Casper bor hjemme hos mamma i Nord Norge.
25. Vil du forandre navnet ditt: Tja, vet ikke om det hadde blitt så masse bedre.
26. Hvordan feiret du din siste bursdag: Jeg spiste middag i Tyrkia (husmorferie) med min beste venninne som desverre bor for langt unna. Så hadde jeg en liten fest her hjemme der halvparten av de som skulle komme ikke kom pga forkjølelse.. FAIL
27. Når våknet du i dag: 07:59 første gang, 8:20 andre gang, kokte to egg, hoppa i dusjen og var på jobb innen 08:55
28. Hva gjorde du midnatt i går: Sov, var altfor sliten til å holde meg oppe.
29. Nevn noe du IKKE kan vente på: Reise til USA i morgen og stikke innom NY på onsdag.
30. Sist gang du så pappan din: Biodad: i går, faktisk "pappa" (stefar) -lenge siden...
31. Hva ville du forandret i livet ditt: Ikke mye, men jeg skulle ønske jobben gav meg LITT mer utfordring.. funderer på å forske igjen.
32. Hva hører du på akkurat nå: Glee sesong 3 episode 2.
33. Har du noensinne pratet med en person som heter Victoria: Gud vet om det var med C eller ei men jeg har vel det ja.
34. Hva går deg på nervene akkurat nå: All klesvasken som må brettes, samt det faktum at jeg må pakke til USA for to uker.
36. Hva er ditt virkelige navn: Det deler jeg ikke på bloggen, dere som kjenner meg vet det, og dere som ikke kjenner meg finner det nok ut. (Er ikke veldig vanskelig)
37. Sivilstatus: Samboer på 2,5te året.
38. Stjernetegn: Jomfru
39. Gutt eller jente: Jente
40. Alder: 27, pain....
41. Ungdomskole: Øksnes
42. Videregående: Narvik
43. Hårfarge: Typisk norsk -askeblond
43. Langt eller kort hår: Mellomlangt, har bob
45. Høyde: 167, målt til en gang tidlig på 2000 tallet, jeg innbiller meg at det er rett
46. Er du betatt av noen: Veldig mange, merkelig nok er de fleste jenter (samt sambo da)
48. Piercinger: Pr tid bare i ørene, har hatt i tunga og under leppa før
49. Tatovering: Jepp, tramp stampa i 18åra -bad decision
50. Høyre- eller venstrehendt: Høyre

VILLE DU:

51. Kysset kjæresten til din bestevenninne: Aldri i verden
52. Sovet alene under åpen himmel: Jeg er en stor pingle, så det tviler jeg på.
53. Dumpet en venn framfor kjæresten: Jeg tror ikke det, de vennene kjæresten ikke kommer overens med får jeg vel treffe uten han om så.
54. Ha sprunget naken ut på en fotballbane bare for å komme på tv: Hvorfor i alle dager skulle jeg gjort det?!
55. Brukt en hel dag på shopping: Ikke egentlig, jeg er ingen shopper
57. Tatt på puppene/brystet til en av samme kjønn: ja, det skjer jo hele tida
58. Blottet deg for en du er glad i på web: nja, det tviler jeg vel på i dag, sku spurt meg når jeg var yngre :P
59. Ha oppkalt barnet ditt etter deg: Nopes, enda jeg bor med en amerikaner er det uaktuelt for meg
60. Springet 1 mil bare for å se noen du er glad i: Jeg har ikke kondis, men jeg ville gått mange mil for å se de jeg er glade i

AKKURAT NÅ:

61. Spiser: Akkurat blitt ferdig med middagen
62. Drikker: Vann
63. Nå skal jeg: Rydde og pakke
64. Venter på: At sambo skal komme hjem fra trening.
65. Hører på: Glee (var ikke denne her i ste og?)

FRAMTIDEN DIN:

66. Lyst på barn: jepps, begynner å kjenne det kiler i eggstokkene
67. Lyst til å gifte deg: Merkelig nok ja, det hadde jeg ikke trodd for 2 år siden.

HVA ER BEST MED DET MOTSATTE KJØNN?

69. Lepper eller øyne: Øyne.
70. Kyss eller klem: Kos...
71. Høyere eller lavere: Høyere, men med sambo er det bare LITT.
72. Eldre eller yngre: Helst eldre.
73. Romantisk eller spontan: Romantisk, men han er nok mer spontan.
74. Fin mage eller fine armer: Armer
75. Tatovering eller piercing: Tatovering
76. Voldsom eller forsiktig: Forsiktig
77. Forhold eller bare lek: Forhold, ferdig med leking. Hvem sier at ikke forholdet kan være en lek?
78. Bråkmaker eller tilbakeholden: Tilbakeholden.

HAR DU NOENSINNE:

79. Kysset en fremmed: Ja
81. Mista brillene/linsene: Mistet brillene og ødelagt dem, check
83. Knust noens hjerte: Ja
84. Fått ditt eget hjerte knust: Definitivt
85. Blitt arrestert: Nei, det ekke helt min greie.
86. Takket nei til en invitasjon til date: Føler egentlig at jeg aldri har vært på date... har du?
87. Grått når noen har dødd: Altfor mange tårer... de kommer av og til fortsatt.
88. Likt en venn som er gutt: hehe, mange av dem. :)

TROR DU PÅ:

89. Deg selv: Lite på noen områder, mye på andre.
90. Mirakler: Nei
91. Engler: Jeg tror ikke egentlig, men ønsker de fantes.. Jeg skulle så gjerne ønske de døde som vi var glade i passet på oss...
92. Himmelen: Nei
93. Nissen: Ja, han er koselig
94. Kyssing på første date: Lett
95. Kjærlighet ved første blikk: Ikke kjærlighet, men betatthet ja

SVAR HELT ÆRLIG:

96. Er det en person du har lyst til å være sammen med akkurat nå: Jepps, hvem som helst (ensom)
97. Hatt mer enn en kjæreste av gangen: Går det an?
98. Tror du det er mulig og være trofast for alltid: Ja, det tror jeg, man må være ærlig med hverandre.
99. Hva er den ene tingen du ikke kan leve uten: vann

Phew, tok kortere tid enn jeg trodde.
Jeg får vel pakke snippsekken og brette litt klær...

Parabener et.al.

2011-09-24T15:22:00.003+02:00

Før jeg starter, jeg vil bare si at jeg forstår, og respekterer folks meninger. Jeg respekterer at aviser og tv skal selge artikler, og at folk vil gjøre hva som er best for seg selv, og ikke minst for barna sine.. MEN... Og dette er et SVÆRT MEN.

Parabener er IKKE farlige. La meg forklare, med utdrag fra en artikkel som det tok meg ca 30 sekunder å finne via PubMed. Det må nevnes at jeg fikk lest hele artikkelen hos Helsebiblioteket (en portal for helsepersonell for å finne artikler i forhold til alt mulig innen for feltet). Et google søk "parabener i matvarer" gav også følgende treff:

Fra en artikkel i mat og helse:
"- Misforståelsen baseres på noen feilaktig tolkede studier av samspillet mellom en deodorant med parabener og brystkreft. Resultatet har senere blitt dementert og parabener har gjennom flere rapporter vist seg å ha utmerkede egenskaper - men skaden er skjedd. I dag er hetsen mot de stakkars parabenene massiv, til tross for den utmerkede merittlisten og til tross for at mange av produsentene er enige i at det ikke finnes et sikrere og bedre konserveringsmiddel.
Personlig har jeg aldri møtt på et tryggere alternativ og jeg skulle aldri anbefale noen å bruke produkter uten konserveringsmidler. Nå har jeg faktisk også sluttet å helle produkter over på små reiseflasker, da jeg oppdaget hvor mange hundretusentalls bakterier som blir til bare under den prosessen.
Diane fortsetter: - Noen parabenfri tilværelse kommer vi nok ikke til å se. Mengder av matvarer inneholder disse betydningsfulle parabenene og de finnes jo også i naturen, eksempelvis i blåbær og jordbær."

Tilbake til artikkelen. "Personal care products and endocrine disruption: A
critical review of the literature" av Raphael J. Witorsch og John A. Thomas fra hhv.
Department of Physiology and Biophysics, School of Medicine, Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, Virginia og Department of Pharmacology and Toxicology, Indiana University School of Medicine, Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Artikkelen anbefales forøvrig, og inneholder ikke bare informasjon og Parabener, men også om ftalater, uv-filtere og andre såkalt "skadelige" ingredienser i produkter i kosmetikkmarkedet i dag. Det skal sies at ikke alle data er positive, og det viser seg at andre produkter faktisk har høyere toksisitet enn de stakkars forhatte Parabenene. Tilbake til poenget.

Parabener er en gruppe molekyler blir brukt i kosmetisk industri som konserveringsmidler. De er kjent for deres baktericide (bakteriedrepende) og fungicide (soppdrepende) egenskaper, og finnes i sjampo, fuktighetskremer, barberkremer, medisinske kremer, solkremer, sminke og tannpasta. Det brukes også som matkonservering, noe media ikke virker å ha noe fokus på i det hele tatt forøvrig. (selv om jeg aldri sier det til studentene mine er dette hentet fra wikipedia, men også et sted som heter "my brain" - a site for common knowledge"). Parabenene har vært brukt i over 80 år som konservering i ulike produkter, og derfor er vår kjennskap til dem svært god.

Parabener som blir mest brukt er methyl og ethylparaben, da propyl- og butylparaben har vist høyere bindingsgrad til østrogene reseptorer (mottaker-molekyler) i kroppen. De større parabenene er også vanskeligere å løse i vann, og derfor er det vanskelig å konservere feks ansiktskremer med dette, da ansiktskremer ofte har mye vann pga ønsket om en "lett" konsistens. Selv om parabener har vist å ha østrogenliknende effekter, er disse molekylene alltid i konkurranse med kroppens naturlige østrogen. Det viser seg faktisk at kroppens reseptorer i veldig høy grad heller vil binde seg til naturlig østrogen enn noe syntetisk parabenliknende. Denne preferansen er såpass stor at effekten parabener har i kroppen er ikke-eksisterende.

Ja, det har blitt vist at konsentrasjoner LANGT over det du får via hud/inntak via munnen vil påvirke reseptorer. Men, man må fortsatt tenke på det faktum at østrogen som naturlig er i kroppen alltid vil konkurere ut slike substanser. Konsentrasjoner funnet i blod og urin er minst 1000 ganger lavere enn konsentrasjoner man må opp i for å få effekt på kroppen.

Konklusjonen er at parabenene ikke viser å ha noen effekt hos mennesker på verken reproduksjonssystemet, eller i relasjon til brystkreft. Det som er verd å merke seg er at vi nå ender opp med produkter som enten er konservert med nyere, mer ukjente konserveringsmidler, eller at vi har produkter som ikke inneholder konservering, og derfor etter 1-2 uker vil ha bakterievekst i seg. Alle produkter som inneholder vann (ofte den største andelen ingrediens i kremer etc.) vil alltid har mulighet for bakterievekst. På et eller annet vis må vi sørge for at disse produktene ikke har bakterier i seg, SÆRLIG om vi skal bruke dem på våre barn. Per tid vet vi lite om de nyere konserveringene, og i tillegg er det ingen sertifisering for såkalte "økologiske" og "rene" produkter.

Mitt største sukk er at vår statskanal i beste sendetid, til småbarnsmødre og familier sender påstander som at "bransjen" ikke har motbevist skadelighetene av parabener. Det tok meg som sagt 30 sekunder å finne en artikkel som motbeviste nettopp dette. Det faktum at methylparaben er funnet i blod/urin hos 99% av testede amerikanere i 05 og 06 skal man ikke underbevise. Man skal heller ikke påstå at parabener ikke kommer ut i naturen via vår kropp. Men, man kan heller ikke påstå at bransjen prøver å lure småbarnsforeldre, eller at kosmetikkindustrien er slemme og bare vil tjene penger. Mye av grunnen til at parabener fortsatt er i en god del kosmetiske produkter er fordi vi ikke har noe bedre alternativ -og fordi parabenene beviselig ikke har noen skadelig effekt verken på voksne eller barn.

Jeg vet denne artikkelen er litt knotete skrevet, men jeg er så sint, og så trist, fordi det er så mange der ute som tror "de vet best". Jeg sier ikke at jeg vet best, jeg sier bare at man må lese seg opp før man påstår at noe som i realiteten er det tryggeste alternativet i konserveringsmarkedet er "farlig" og "skadelig".

Jeg hater at min bransje blir sett på med smale øyne fordi vi lyver og "lurer" folk, når det faktisk ikke er sant. Vi gjør vårt beste, vi informerer og vi leser. Og vi er i aller høyeste grad ærlig med hvem enn som måtte spørre. Mitt tips, gå til apoteket, spør farmasøyten om han/henne kan forklare og hjelpe deg med eventuelle ingredienser eller ting du lurer på. Om du ikke får et svar der og da, så kan vi i mange tilfeller finne det ut for deg.. Det tar som sagt ofte bare 30 sekunder.

I got you - Leona Lewis

2011-08-20T22:32:00.000+02:00

I Got You lyrics
Songwriters: Birgisson, Arnthor; Kotecha, Savan; Sandberg, Martin Karl;

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you
Just get on the phone, I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to

What's weird about it is we're right at the end
I'm mad about it, just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you, I got you

Ain't falling apart or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
Won't survive it, no drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you

Can't stop humming this song...

Meningsløst

2011-08-18T21:29:00.003+02:00

Det føles så meningsløst å blogge. Nyhetene har fortsatt alt for mye grusomt i seg. Bloggene til jenter som har det vondt gjør at jeg blør i hjertet. Blør fordi jeg vet hvor vondt det er å miste noen -men ikke fordi jeg vet hvordan de har det. Blør fordi jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne ta smerten fra dem, bare for noen timer slik at de kunne få litt fred.

Å miste noen man er glad i er det værste i verden, og det er så mange rundt om kring som har mista noen, og det gjør meg så vondt og se dere ha det vondt. Mammer, pappaer, søstre, brødre, og alle alle andre.. Smerten går ikke bort, det TAR tid å hele sår, og ingen, absolutt ingen kan bestemme hvor lang tid det tar.

Jeg leste en kommentar der noen hadde sagt "men så greit om hun/han bare hadde dødd med en gang, så hadde de sluppet all den tiden med sykdom"... (noe i den duren, vet ikke hvor jeg fant det). Jeg husker noen sa en gang at de ikke kunne forstå hvorfor jeg hadde det så vondt så lenge fordi jeg tross alt bare hadde hatt min kjære i noen måneder som min kjære. Men hva med alle minnene vi ikke fikk ? Vet dere ikke at de er de værste ? Og alle minnene man har hatt, det er de mest hjertevarme og gode tingene man kan ha -sykdom eller ikke.

Mitt hjerte blør, og jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne gjøre noe, men jeg bare sitter her, og ser hjelpesløst inn i skjermen.

<3
xo
M

Sorg og Sorgprosesser

2011-08-06T00:48:00.006+02:00

I det siste har det vært mye snakk om sorg (naturlig nok) og jeg vil fortelle litt om min egen sorgprosess fra 2004 og frem til i dag. Som dere sikkert har skjønt mistet jeg i November 2004 en jeg var veldig glad i. Bloggen min lå ute den gang, under et annet domene, og jeg har ingen kopi direkte lengre -noe som kanskje hadde vært interessant og hatt. Jeg har hatt lage perioder uten blogg, og med blogg. Bloggen er for det meste en dagbok for meg selv, selv om jeg gjerne ser at flere er innom og titter -det er koselig med kommentarer.

Uansett, tilbake til det med sorg... 23 november 2004 ramlet min verden s

ammen. Bakgrunnshistorien er at min da 3 måneder "nye kjæreste" døde fra meg i en skiulykke som egentlig bare var maks uflaks. Vi bodde i to ulike byer, 4 timer fra hverandre. Dette var en gutt jeg hadde kjent siden videregående, som etter ett år borte fra byen plutselig var blitt "mann" og ikke lengre gutt. Vi ble sammen noen måneder etter fascinasjonen startet, men holdt deg mest for oss selv siden det var såpass tidlig. Jeg var lykkelig, forelska, på høyden av alle følelser, høy på livet...

Så brått ble alt slutt. Jeg husker den kvelden enda, de første timene med "hva om han ikke husker meg når han våkner" -til, tro når jeg får en oppdatering.. til kl 03 på natta da jeg fikk beskjed om at kjæresten min lå i respirator, men var død, og at jeg måtte dra opp på sykehuset og si adjø. Jeg husker det absurde, som "hva skal jeg ha på meg når jeg drar på sykehuset", eller værre "hva skal jeg ha på meg når jeg skal gå i kjæresten min sin begravelse". Jeg møtte mamman hans på dødsleiet, og dagen etter hele familien -både mor sin side og far sin side. Dagene ble fylt med masse tårer, med forberedelser til begravelse, begravelse.. og så stillhet.

Jeg husker ikke mye av denne perioden. Jeg vet jeg dro hjem til mamman min, jeg vet jeg reiste tilbake til studiene og jobb -og hvordan jeg stod der, i bokhandlerkjeden min og nærmest fortalte kundene mine at det ble ingen god jul -fordi kjæresten min var død. Stakkars kunder, jeg burde jo aldri vært på jobb. Jeg husker en konfrontasjon med sjefen min angående en ferie for neste år -for mamma ville ha meg med til Mallorca for å få tankene mine med på noe annet. Det jeg hadde uttalt var at om jeg ikke fikk fri kom jeg bare til å sykemelde meg. Da lært

e jeg at for å reise utenlands må du faktisk ha tillatelse fra arbeidsgiver/lege i sykemeldingsperioden. Nyttig kunnskap forøvrig...

26 desember 2004 skjedde nok en tragisk hendelse. Et underjordisk jordskjelv førte til en tsunami den moderne verden ikke hadde sett før, og mange hundre tusen mennesker mistet livet. I følge artikkelen ble over 1,5 millioner mennesker hjemløse... Byer ble ødelagt, familier revet vekk fra hverandre. Jeg husker det ikke like godt som alle andre. Det jeg husker, er at julen 2004 satt jeg og så på TV -bølger på over 10-30 m som skylte over land som en ødeleggende vegg og følte ingenting. Jeg klarte ikke ta det inn over meg, jeg klarte ikke forstå, jeg hadde nok med å takle mine egne sorger.

Sett tilbake var dette kaldt, merkelig, følelsesløst ? Poenget mitt er, at etter en traumatisk hendelse så er man ikke seg selv. Jeg husker knapt noe av våren 2005, jeg tror jeg kom tilbake til verden rundt august/september 2005, men enda er noe av den perioden også ganske vag. Eksamensresultatene var preget av sorgen min, og hele studiet ble nok preget av den starten det fikk -men jeg kom meg gjennom, med gode karakterer -jeg innbiller meg at de ville vært bedre hadde det ikke vært for traumen jeg gikk igjennom. Har det noe å si i dag? Egentlig ikke, men jeg er fortsatt litt opphengt i det...

Når landet vårt, regjeringen vår og våre ungdommer som skulle ha en lysende fremtid innen politikken nå har blitt revet vekk fra oss er det mange som er inne i en sorgprosess. Det er enda tidlig, det er bare to små uker siden vi har opplevd noe av det mest rystende i moderne tid (sett bort fra krigshandlinger). Det er så meningsløst, og vondt, og skummelt og vanskelig og trist alt på en gang. Jeg gråter for mine medmennesker som har mistet noen. For landet mitt som for evig kommer til å være forandret siden denne hendelsen -jeg håper til det bedre.

(bildelink)

Jeg vil at alle skal vite at det er lov å sørge akkurat som du sørger. Det er lov å være glad igjen, men det kommer alltid til å være tider med tårer. Selv mange år etter kommer tårene fortsatt ukontrollert. Av og til føles alt så meningsløst, men så noen sekunder etterpå er alt i orden. Er det normalt? Ja -definitivt. Alt er normalt innenfor sorg, på et eller annet vis klarer mennesket å kravle seg tilbake til livet. Det er vanskelig, det er tøft, det er grusomt -men på et eller annet vis, går verden videre -både når man vil det, og når man ikke vil.

Jeg sørger med dere kjære venner. Ta den tiden dere trenger, vi er her.

Mitt kjære lille land, kjære mine medborgere, pass på hverandre, ta vare -del ut en ekstra klem. Si til folk at du er glad i dem, du vet aldri når det er for sent.

xoxo

My love

2011-08-02T23:43:00.002+02:00

I visited you today... I still miss you, even though its been all these years.

Love you -always

xoxo
M

Things that make me smile these days...

2011-08-02T23:13:00.007+02:00

The kids make me smile these days. Their care-free jumps on the trampolines, the joy in their eyes. The playing with dolls and their shrieks of joy.
Some pictures from the last few days.

Kvalm

2011-07-28T22:03:00.003+02:00

Det har snart gått en uke. Jeg har vært syk en uke, og jeg har vært hjemme mesteparten av dagene og ettermiddagene.. Siden forrige onsdag var jeg syk, og fredag i forrige uke, 22juli, da hele landet vårt falt sammen -men reiste seg enda sterkere i neste øyeblikk var jeg hjemme.

Siden fredag 22 juli har jeg hele helgen vært klistra til TV-apparatet som jeg ikke eier.. (dvs nrk.no). Jeg har sett, grått, sjekka aviser, lest blogger, twitter -generelt alt jeg kunne komme over. Men nå orker jeg ikke mer... Jeg klarer ikke sitte her lengre, og bare se ut i lufta av nyheter og grusomheter. Og så får jeg dårlig samvittighet, fordi jeg føler jeg skylder dem at vi ser dem, de som er døde, de som er levende -de som savner.

Dette er ikke min sorg, det er så uendelig uendelig mange andres -og jeg gråter for alle dem som har mistet. Mitt kjære land, min vakre by har blitt omvendt fra et katastrofeområde til et kjærlighetssted. Vi tar vare på hverandre, vi passer på hverandre og vi gir hverandre klemmer. Vi sender hverandre snille meldinger over twitter og facebook, passer på og si vi er glade i hverandre mens vi enda kan -for er det noe vi har lært er det at verden, og livet er skjørt.

Jeg går mellom å være sint, og trist, og glad, og hverdagslig, til å igjen være sint. Jeg våkner opp av vonde drømmer -av filmliknende bilder beskrevet av folk som "var der". Av bomber som går av i Oslo sentrum mens noen av mine kjære er på jobb. Jeg sover dårlig, jeg spiser dårlig, men jeg jobber. Hverdagslivet på jobb er det som holder meg oppe, og det er så uendelig godt å ha en jobb å gå til.

Jeg hater at byen vår er forvandlet til noe skjørt, om enn så vakkert i alle rosene. Jeg har ikke hatt tid til å dra ned til byen og ta bilder, og håper rosehavet fortsetter slik at jeg også kan få sitte der, i stillhet og se på. Enhvert tordenbrak, og enhver sterk lyd som kommer fra gata er "skremmende". Ikke at jeg/vi innerst inne tror det kommer til å skje noe, men det er noe med det som har skjedd som gjør en mer "skvetten" enn vanlig. Biler som kjører litt for hardt i svingene -og ambulanse og brannsirener rundt leiligheten vekker meg en gang i halvtimen virker det sånn. Slik blir det vel når man bor så nærme stasjoner og sykehus. Per i dag skulle jeg ønske vi bodde et annet sted. Helikopterne som flyr over oss minner meg om fredagens helikoptre -og det var mange...Hvordan gå tilbake -hvordan ta tilbake hverdagen ? Ved å stå sammen, uten frykt, i forsoning.

xoxo
M
PS: Bildet er lånt fra twitter @teisam

PS2: her er mine nattlige bilder av det samme.

Tomhet #2

2011-07-24T20:35:00.004+02:00

Lite visste jeg da jeg skrev mitt forrige innlegg at verden skulle virke enda mer urettferdig, og enda mer grusom helgen 22.juli. Et angrep på vårt demokrati, på vår frihet og vårt nydelige vakre land har skjedd denne helgen, og jeg er tommere i kroppen en noen gang.

Med fare for å si noe feil, med redsel for å oppføre meg "galt" vil jeg ikke skrive så masse. Jeg har så vondt, jeg gråter og tårene trillet, og har trillet hele helgen siden bomben gikk av i Oslo sentrum mellom tre og fire fredag ettermiddag. Jeg fikk beskjeden rundt kl fire via facebook, jeg logga inn på twitter og dagbladet og fant fort ut at dette var mer enn en vanlig gassekplosjon. Jeg frykta for de vennene mine jeg visste jobba i området, heldigvis var journalisten sykemeldt, og regjeringsrådgiveren på ferie. Lite visste vi da at dette ikke egentlig var angrepet.

Massakren på Utøya begynte vi å få meldinger om først på Twitter.. Såvidt jeg vet var 112 og polititelefonene, samt generelt mobilnettverket var under høyt stress fra bombene, og at det var noe mer på gang kunne jo ingen vite. Redselen og meldingene på facebook og twitter om det som foregikk på øya er noe jeg aldri vil glemme -og jeg var ikke der. Når jeg la meg på kvelden på fredag var dødstallet 10, når jeg stod opp dagen etter -over 80... Jeg hadde ikke ord, jeg hadde grått hele fredag kveld, og lørdag skulle jeg stå fem timer på jobb.

Å gå til bussen morgenen etter, når du vet at gjerningsmannen er arrestert, men akkurat har lest at dødstallene har åttedoblet seg i løpet av natta var forferdelig, jeg følte som om jeg levde i et parallellt univers, som om min by, mitt land ikke var virkelig lengre. Etter 10 minutter med busstur og litt venting før åpning kom kundene inn døra. Merkelig nok var det relativt normalt. Folk var alvorstynga, ikke spesielt mye spøker, men samtidig skulle folk ha helt vanlige ting. Munnskyllevann, paracetamol, allergitabletter... Hverdagen på jobb stabiliserte meg, stabiliserte kroppen min, smerten min, empatien min... Det er merkelig hvordan verden beveger seg, sakte men sikkert videre etter en katastrofe.

Lørdag kveld hadde jeg to venninner over bare for å prate, og være sammen. Det var utrolig godt å ha noen fler i nærheten, da all min tid ellers ble brukt til nyhetssendinger og avisoverskrifter. En liten pustepause i alle tårene, i all smerten og grusomheten. I dag har det vært likedan, verden føles ikke normal lengre, alt er bare tåkete, grått og vondt. Jeg var ikke der, så vidt jeg vet er alle "mine" trygge og ingen var utsatt på Utøya heller. Men hjertet mitt blør for alle som har vært involvert, alle som savner noen og har mistet noen, eller som sårt venter på at legene skal redde de som er hardt skadd.

Kondolanser til alle som har mistet noen...

Maria Mena "vårt lille land" har vært spilt mye i det siste, og samholdet i dette landet -og jobben til politikere og kongehus er beundringsverdig. Aldri har jeg vært så stolt over mitt land, min nasjon og min by. Ta vare på hverandre...

I morgen står Norge stille kl 12.
xo
M

Tomhet

2011-07-14T00:05:00.003+02:00

Etter siste post og andre innlegg jeg har lest på nettet i det siste er jeg helt tom invendig. Jeg tenker mye på Kim. På tiden etter han døde, tiden på sykehuset etc etc... Det er snart sju år siden, men jeg husker mange av tingene enda som om det var forrige uke. Det er rart hvordan du ikke vet du er i sjokk før du er i sjokk og har kommet gjennom det...At verden gikk i slow-motion er definitivt sant...

Kim.. jeg savner deg... innvendig vil det alltid være en tomhet, og en hva hvis etter deg...
kommer og besøker deg snart...
M

When words are not enough

2011-07-10T22:26:00.003+02:00

Noen ganger på blogghimmelen leser man innlegg som gjør at du fryser. At du blir sittende med tårene rennende nedover kinnene og uten forståelse for hvorfor verden må være så ond som den av og til er. Hvem velger om vi lever eller dør? Hvorfor blir de som minst fortjener det valgt bort fra oss ?

Life just ain't far sometimes...
...and no words are ever going to be enough...
<3
Tenker på de som har det vondt i disse dager, og som en av mange kondolerer jeg Martine for lille Felix som aldri fikk leve her ute med oss.
<3
xo
M

Helsepersonell

2011-07-05T22:29:00.002+02:00

Ingeborg har nettopp skrevet ett inlegg om helsenorge og bakblogging. Om hva som er akseptabelt og hva som er uakseptabelt. Om de hemmelige bloggerne, de veldig extroverte bloggerne som "alle" vet hvem er. Jeg er vel ærlig talt mer en av de første. Grunnen til at jeg ønsker å være anonym er fordi jeg av og til kan si ting som jeg ikke vil min mor skal dumpe borti (angående biologisk far og masse issues). Eller fordi jeg tidligere har nevt frustrasjoner med medstudenter, og eller medarbeidere som jeg virkelig ikke ønsker å henge ut. Ingen av dem er gjenkjennelige, men hvis du kjenner meg, så vet du fort hvem disse personene eller hvilke steder dette er.

Jeg tror dermed at jeg ikke har krysset grensa for hva som er "lov" av baksnakking på nettet. Bloggen har for det meste handlet om meg selv, om MINE issues, og mine problemer -minst mulig om andre mennesker.

Som helsepersonell, om enn "bare" som farmasøyt, skal man være forsiktig med hva man blogger. Er man for personlig blir det og nevne jobb helt feil, er man anonym bør man huske at man fortsatt kan skrive gjenkjennelige "historier" om man vil kalle det dèt. Nå skal det sies at jeg aldri har gjenfortalt apotekhverdagshistorier, det er noe jeg kun deler med mine kollegaer, og også aldri utenfor taushetspliktens rammer. Det er utallige mange morsomme situasjoner som lett kunne vært delt med alle, men det er bare noe med yrket mitt, og med personligheten min kombinert som gjør at jeg ikke ønsker å være så åpen om min hverdag på jobben.

Tilbake til fenomenet blogging, og gjerne psykisk blogging. Fordi veldig mange bruker bloggen sin som en dagbok over psykdom. Jeg gjorde dette i mange år, jeg gjør fortsatt det -om enn i litt mindre grad. Jeg elsker å lese bloggene til disse vakre jentene, som bretter ut følelseslivet, psyken, humoren og verdenen rundt seg i bloggene sine -men jeg innser mine begrensninger. Min tidligere psykdom (anorexi) gjør at jeg sliter veldig med å lese disse jentene (eller guttenes) historier. Det gjør vondt langt inni sjelen, tårene spretter frem, noe ved alt dette er så utrolig gjenkjennelig. Jeg slapp så utrolig billig unna, og av og til lurer jeg på om jeg kan få lov å kalle meg selv tidligere psyk -fordi jeg har det jo egentlig bra.. eller?

Hvor går grensen, har jeg lov å være "psyk" selv om jeg er frisk ? Jeg har vært klinisk frisk i snart sju år. Helt siden min daværende kjæreste døde i en skiulykke og jeg lovte at jeg aldri skulle gå tilbake -ALDRI. Jeg gjorde aldri det fysisk, mentalt sett har det vært en kamp. Tankene river og sliter fortsatt, jeg hater kroppen min, intenst og nytteløst. Det er godt over 10 år siden jeg var på min "idealvekt", sikkert ca 12 siden jeg var på den ideale ana-vekta mi. Det betyr jo at jeg er "frisk" -men ofte, veldig veldig ofte føler jeg meg ikke frisk.

Samboeren har verdens største skuldre. Alle tårene, alle følelsene og tankene som bare renner over hele tiden, skuldrene er der alltid. Det har ofte vært på grensen av hva forholdet har tålt, og fortsatt er det sånn. Av og til forstår jeg ikke hva han gjør med meg, og da kommer tankene enda mer frem inn i en ond sirkel av smerter. Så er jeg frisk?

I just don't always know.
xoxo
M

PS: Plutselig ble et saklig innlegg om til et "psykisk". Jeg er litt vinglete -beklager det, men jeg tror det er derfor noen av mine venner liker meg og... <3

Skrivesperre

2011-06-28T22:36:00.002+02:00

I motsetning til min gode venninne forfatteren, som stadig vekk har skrivesperre -eller min venninne journalisten, som per tid ikke kan skrive pga en senebetennelse er det sjeldent et PROBLEM at jeg har skrivesperre. Jeg har forøvrig følt at det ER et problem i det siste, fordi jeg gjerne vil produsere noe, men bare sitter her og stirrer tomt inn i skjermen.

Det er mulig jeg tidligere har nevnt at jeg ønsker å bety noe. Nå har jeg redigert denne bloggen en del siden den først kom ut, litt pga min egen del, litt pga andres -så jeg er ikke sikker på om den posten er her. Uansett, her sitter jeg nå, med skrivesperra mi og titter inn i skjermen. Har sett fire episoder av Masterchef i dag, og blir som vanlig sulten av å se på. Forrige gang lagde jeg ostekake, siden da har jeg spist ostekake, drukket vin, og besøkt mormor. Resultat - opp fire kg. Det hjalp selvsagt ikke at jeg knapt sov forrige uke, noe som gjør at kroppen overhodet ikke ønsker å miste noe energi.
Jeg er sur, sur på meg selv for at jeg ikke får sove, men det er jo strengt tatt ikke mye jeg får gjort med det. Sur på meg selv fordi jeg gikk 4kg opp, i stedet for to ned. Jeg har siste arbeidsdag i jobben min i morgen, og bytter offisielt til nytt apotek fra og med Mandag. Det festlige er at min nye sjef akkurat fikk en sønn, og jeg kommer til tomt lokale -vel, ikke helt, han bare er ikke den første eller de to første ukene mine. Kroppen min har vondt OVERALT, jeg har en betent skulder, en høyre fot som ikke fungerer og jeg tror det bare er pga stress... Jeg kan ikke beskrive (I can't describe -SUG for norsken min) hvor godt det skal bli å bytte jobb.

That being said (jada, norsken ja), så er jeg litt i "kanskje-jeg-skal-jobbe-i-en-annen-bransje-modus". Som sagt gav foredrag om digitale medier på GirlGeekDinnersOslo meg en ny fascinasjon for bokbransjen, og jeg innså hvor mye jeg savner det. Økonomien kan vel gå litt nedover hvis jeg går tilbake, men hey! it's about being happy isn't it ?

I sommer skal jeg bare jobbe, sløve, drikke hvitvin på verandan og fundere over livet. Så hvis du er i Oslo og vil ha et glass vin, call me :) I'll leave you to it now, dette ble jo bare fjas og vas -sorry, jeg skylder på skrivesperra.

xoxo
M

Karriere

2011-06-11T12:10:00.000+02:00

Jeg har jobbet i bokbransjen i fem år, og i farmasiens verden i ca like mange på dette tidspunktet. Selvsagt har det vært deltidsjobber, da jeg i hele perioden har klart å utdanne meg til en Master I Farmasi. For meg derimot var ikke en deltidsjobb noe jeg gjorde for å få penger "fordi jeg trengte det". Min deltidsjobb var min "passion" (in lack of a better word), og min måte og slappe av på etter lange dager med studier. Nå skal det sies at da jeg slutta i bokbransjen (Notabene) og begynte å jobbe i apotek (Vitusapotek/Apotek1) så ble avslapningsfaktoren noe redusert. Apotekarbeid er ikke akkurat noe man tar lett på, siden man faktisk ikke bare kan gi dem feil medisin og hvis de kommer tilbake si "å, så synd du ikke likte den sjangeren, kanskje jeg kan gi deg noe annet".

Etter torsdagens treff hos CappelenDamm der diskusjonen gitt rundt digitale medier som lesebrett og nye Ordflyt (lydbøker i Spotify form) innså jeg hvor mye jeg savner bokbransjen. Å jobbe med bøker, i bohandel skal nevnes, var gøy, og jeg leste bøker i alle former og varianter. Kundemøtet i apotek og kundemøtet i bokhandel er noe forskjellig, men i utgangspunktet vil jo alle ha det samme -god service, og noe som gjør dem fornøyde med hensyn på bok, medisin, eller mer relevant -hud og diverse velværeartikler.

Det nærmeste jeg kommer bokbransjen i dag er når jeg surfer på amazon (også kjent som diktaturet) for nye bøker og legge inn på min kjære kindle. Jeg skal gjenta meg selv her, og reposte et bilde, for kindle er "all sorts of KOS".

Slik det er i dag skal vi farmasøyter helst ikke stikke oss frem. Vi er gode på å feire oss selv, men generelt er vi et stille folkeslag. Jeg er desverre ikke helt sikker på HVA vi skal gjøre for å stikke oss mer frem, da det ser ut til at det fryktes vi skal skade vårt eget rykte. Norske farmasøyter finnes knapt i sykehusene, og klinisk farmasi er bare i sin spede begynnelse (helt uten å tråkke noen på tærne som har den jobben i dag). Vi har heldigvis fått inn klinisk farmasi i studiene, og det har til og med sin egen master for de som er interesserte. Jeg er nå mer spent på hvor mange år det skal ta før vi faktisk vises litt mer i sykehusverden og til og med muligens i legekontorene. Ja, legen er ekspert på sykdommer og diagnostisering, men vi er tross alt legemiddelekspertene.

På grunn av nettopp dette, de begrensninger jeg føler jeg har i min nåværende karriere savner jeg bokbransjen. Bokbransjen er spennende, den er engasjerende, det skjer noe hele tiden, og høsten er jo et bad av nye titler som ramler mot oss. For ikke å snakke om jula, som jo er en fest i seg selv med alle gavene som skal pakkes. Et lite tips, bøker er det enkleste i verden å pakke, så hvis du ønsker deg deltidsjobb -hva med å søke som pakkehjelp i en bokhandel ?

Jeg skal slutte å whine, mer angående farmasøyters begrensninger kommer. Hvis du har noen ideer til hvordan vi kan stikke oss mer frem, kommenter for all del!

xoxo

Problem solved

2011-06-10T20:29:00.004+02:00

I solved the problem about my blog, at least for now. If you are any of my old friends, or you are just curious in general you can let me know and I will let you in on the secret. But to be quite honest there is no big secret. Fact of the matter is I wanted to start over, and now I have. All of my old posts are still around, just not on this platform. So that is my first little annoyance about Blogger -it doesn't let you lock or hide posts.

So here I am, blank pages and some language problems -but good to go. I know it isn't possible to be anonymous online, and that was not the reason why I removed my old posts. My reasons was because I was a different person writing those posts, and it was very private. I want this blog to be a way of ranting, without ranting out certain people or places. Well -at least people or places where I am currently residing.

Have a good one guys. Be on the lookout for more posts.

xoxo

Edit: Just realized I did want some of my personal/ old posts back. Boy do we at least love the import/export option in blogger

Norsk

2011-06-10T15:17:00.002+02:00

Jeg ser at når jeg startet denne bloggen i september i 2008 var min intensjon og starte en ny trend med blogging på norsk (vel, jeg sier trend, jeg mener selvsagt for meg selv). Min blogg har vært mitt fristed, der jeg skriver hva faen jeg vil (unnskyld språket), og som egentlig ingen leser bortsett fra et par utvalgte venner. Etter gårsdagens ggdo har jeg forsåvidt lyst å stikke hodet mitt litt mer frem i bloggverdenen og i hodet mitt kverner en del ideer til blogginnlegg på norsk.

Så, det store dilemmaet. Hva gjør jeg med alle blogpostene fra tidligere. Hvis jeg nå skal begynne en litt mer "seriøs" blogg om du vil kalle det det, hva gjør jeg med alle mine akk så depressive og trasige tidligere innlegg -burde jeg slette dem? Et definitivt nei runger innvending, men samtidig ønsker jeg strengt tatt ikke at alle mine nye eventuelle lesere skal lese seg tilbake på alt det negative som har vært. Kanskje en lock på gamle innlegg hadde vært et alternativ, eventuelt bare en flytt til ny lokasjon.

Jeg må ærlig innrømme at å relokalisere bloggen min egentlig ikke er et alternativ. Jeg LIKER Anintua navnet, og jeg LIKER at jeg kan blogge på den platformen jeg er på. Hvorfor endre noe man liker? No reason!

Jeg må vel i tenkeboksen på det her... en eller annen løsning må vi vel få til.

The hardships of being whiny I say!

xoxo

Inspired

2011-06-09T23:50:00.002+02:00

My blog has been pretty much me whining about my personal life or my work situation. Which in all fairness is what I use it for, and also the reason why not a lot of people know about my blog.

After writing this entry I see my faults of too many commas and - (tankestrek?) plus (). I hereby excuse myself, and apologize in advance, since I am no writer -and I write how I think, not the way I read.

Today I was at GirlGeekDinnersOslo, and the discussion was around e-books and the digital media (well, the book part of it). Anyway, it made me realize how non-active I am in the digital world these days, and how I only use my twitter account on rare occasions, and as mentioned, use my blog as my personal whine site. I am considering starting a Norwegian blog, but then again, then I would have to change my blog name, and to be quite honest I have no IDEA what I would do name-wise. Second option is to delete my old posts and start all over -but isn't that kind of wrong ? I must admit I have done so over and over again throughout the 10 years of blogging I've had...and woah, I just realized I've been blogging on and off for ten freaking years #scary.

Introducing ourselves we gave a one-liner on who we were, and then some details about our general interest for computers (well, for me anyway, since I have no occupation that goes along with the internets). I just told my boyfriend about this one girl who said she had been on social media since before it was called social media -and I came to realize so had I. I have also been blogging since around 2001 (maybe even before 2001), and I even just realized my old myspace account is still open (though friendless as always). The worst part is, I can see that my old MySpace pictures aren't that old either! (FREAKYYY).

Woah, all this talk has made the clock pass midnight, and we really should go to sleep. Although I don't have regular work tomorrow there is still some work, and the tooth extraction.

The point of this post however was I am inspired. I am inspired by all these strong women who are awesome and innovative, and who seem to be passionate about their everything. I am inspired to get more in to reading again, and in all honesty, I might even consider going back in to the business of books if the right offer came along. All in all I am THRILLED to have been a part of this evening, and must say I have gotten part of my groove back from just this little tiny meeting.

So to whomever read this that was there, or anyone that it might interest, THANK YOU

#ggdo

xoxo

Scare

2011-05-22T22:36:00.006+02:00

So I realize my latest post might have scared some of my friends who haven't really talked to me in a while -or event those who have seen me but just don't get it (because I haven't told them).

I feel secluded, and somewhat lonely. Work is draining all of my energy, and each little change in my life hits me like a massive shard of glass hitting you in the stomach. It's bad -it's bad that I let myself get so down over something so little. That every little change, or every little word is misunderstood and hurtful. I've been this way for so long, and sometimes, just sometimes, the old bad feelings come back to haunt me, and I just don't feel anything but pain.

By the end of next months I will have a job that's closer to home. I will go up north to meet my best friend (who happens to live in Turkey) on Thursday, and seeing her will probably be good for me. What's been happening the last couple of months is that we have decided on one thing, and then suddenly this other thing might happen instead. This has been going on for lord knows how long, and I had finally had my heart settled on where we were going to be, and what was going to happen in the next six months. Then again it changed, and my heart just got shattered by the mere idea that something other than what "I had planned" happened.

I'm like that you see. I plan out things in my head, and when they do not go according to plan, instead of thinking -heck, that didn't turn out the way I thought, I shatter. It's silly and childish and somewhat stupid -but at least I have the insight to realize my flaws. Being in a relationship isn't always easy either. I wonder if everyone has problems, or if it's just me creating problems in my head. None of "our" issues are huge, but you all know it, the mess on the table, the non-clean kitchen, the dust piling up on the bookshelf... It's not like I'm some kind of monster to be with, but sometimes I am a monster to myself. I make up this idea in my head about who I should be, and when I am not I get disappointed. When I can't live up to the abnormal standards I've set for myself. Then there's always the non-deserving part of me, that thinks I'm not worth anything and that I might as well just disappear off the face of the earth.

Sometimes, just sometimes, those feelings take control and I just hurt.

I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. Just getting some hugs and hearing that people do care, makes me feel loved. Thank you.

xoxo

PS: Have some cake for being so awesome guys.

hurt

2011-05-20T17:04:00.004+02:00

what is hurt ? Is it cutting your finger whilst chopping vegetables ? Is it falling on your knees while running to catch the bus ? I don't know.. All I know is that sometimes, I hurt more than I think I deserve...

I know you need to appreciate the good in life, to make the most of it and not bury down in sorrow.. Sometimes though, just sometimes, it feels as if you are being eaten alive by some hurt-monster, trying to get you to feel as bad as he does. It's as if your insides are tearing apart, making room for some unknown silence and cold. Tears stream down your face, you can't control what's going on, and you just can't seem to stop it either.

Why does it have to be that way ? Why does things have to hurt so much? I know I said I wanted changes, but sometimes, just sometimes, can't things just remain the way they are ?

Who am I kidding, I know they can't, if things remained it would hurt for someone else -someone I love, who I don't want to hurt. I just have all these hopes and dreams, and when big changes comes along and shatter them to pieces -it just hurts. I don't know what to do, I just wish you could push bad thinking and all the bad clouds away so the sun would come through.. Why do I always dig this whole and put myself in it ? I'm better than that, I know better than that.

sometimes, just sometimes, things just hurt.

Changes

2011-05-09T00:09:00.005+02:00

Spring is here. We have just spent 10 days in the US on vacation. Vacation was good, although coming home was great too. Norway is so much calmer, so much "safer", so much more normal to me than the US will ever be. I miss our friends over there, and of course the family too... But sometimes I appreciate that it is just the two of us, in this city, all by ourselves -with no one to answer to.

With spring come changes. I have decided to leave my job, a decision I do not regret, although I will miss the money -and some of the people. If I could just build my own pharmacy, with my own people... that would be awesome -There are other dreams that are more important though. I will change jobs 1st of July, and it seems that the "new" pharmacy will be opened 15th of July -So I'm kind of sad to miss out on it. I guess you can't dwell on the past, but merely worry about the present (haha).

I feel moody these days. If it's because my period is supposed to come next week, if it's because I'm having some sort of spring depression, lord knows.. I'm just, sad.. Sad that I can't be happy. Sad that I can't make myself feel as great about myself as I should. Why is this ? I don't get it. Again I feel friendless and lonely, even though this current week I've had wine with two old friends, and one new. I've been to a birthday party, I've been invited to another, and there's always a new moose cap Friday around the corner. So why is this ? Why can't I be pleased with what I've got, and what it is that I really want? These questions haunt me, and I truly don't know the answer.... I'm sorry if anyone gets sad because of my writings, but it's the simple truth..

what's wrong with me ?

xoxo

Blog much ?

2011-04-10T18:26:00.009+02:00

Yeah, I know, I haven't blogged in even more a forever than ever! I am sorry for those of you that happen to read up on my life and who are no longer entertained by my non-existent blog. There really haven't been too much to blog about. My job was going ok, my personal life however, down the drain. So I decided to quit my job, and take care of my personal life instead. Only future will know if that was a good choice, but I honestly think it is -I can always make those extra 200grand a year some other time. My relationship however, n

ot going to come back if it breaks down.

The last two weekends have been spent by having cousin over (8 year old), and this weekend by having Kristin, "little sister" and Lise over for wine. My old boss and wife + dog came by too, which made it really awesome. Five bottles of wine later the "kids" went out, I stayed home, boss and wife +dog stayed an extra half hour and me and boyfriend went to bed earlier than any of the girls or others did -since some think we are the most boring crowd ever! However, I don't like going out to crowded loud bars with way too many drunk people -and also paying ridiculous amounts of money for drinks that hardly contain any alcohol. So boring or not, it's just the way I am.

Anyways, back to random blogging...

Lately I've been getting upset over the most random things, annoyed that people really don't seem to be very intelligent, but just careless and say the most random things about anything. Like politics for instance, not that that's a subject I know a lot about, but people just seem to be rambling about everyone else's opinions, instead of having their ow

n. Ok, I might be unfair, but I really think it seems like people just spit out whatever they read in the news, or whatever someone told them, whether it be parents, friends or the damn TV.

One of the government channels have been focusing on drug prices in Norway, not drugs as in narcotics or abuse -but drugs, as in any kind -blood pressure pills, cholesterol, anti-depressants, you name it they have looked at it. They even compared the prices to the pharmacies compared to the prices sold to the hospitals. It's not that I mind them focusing on this, quite frankly maybe our prices and the pricing system isn't optimal, but they are making us, the pharmacy look like that bad guys. That really pisses me off. We are not the bad guys. I know for a fact that the drugs are about 75 per cent of what we sell in the pharmacy, however, we make only 45 per cent of our income from it, because of the cheap prices. If it weren't for the very low prices, maybe we wouldn't have to sell all this other "crap" that we sell in the pharmacies. Thanks to our degree however, we don't compromise too much, and don't appreciate selling stuff to people just for the sales argument. If it is to help people, or to make them feel good about themselves (e.g. a nice face cream) then I don't find it too bad. I mean, it's either in our store, a beauty store, a perfum store, or quite frankly at your nearest ICA -so why not us.

I am proud to be a pharmacist, and I like to know that pharmacists or chemists are behind most products you buy anywhere. The quality we bring out to our customers, not just with our knowledge, but with the products we have should be appreciated and not stomped upon by some channel making us look bad. Yes, all companies can get better, yes, most companies sell stuff that makes them money, but guess what, if it wasn't for those stuff making us money, there would be no company and no service to the people. Would you really rather get your drugs off some machine outside ICA -like you now get your cigarettes ? Isn't there a part of you that feels safe knowing that the medicines you eat are safe to combine? What machine would ever catch that without TALKING to you.... I guess in some future there will be a list of medicines that are connected to you as an individual wherever you go, and the machines might actu

ally have a possibility to catch that since it is all in form -but is that the society we want? Machines instead of people ? I mean, who knows, maybe we don't even need cashiers at supermarkets, we just send our groceries/list through a machine, and they get delivered on the outside -or on your doorstep..

To something completely different...

I also get fascinated by the amounts of pictures of other peoples kids people post on Facebook. A gagdillion of them too... I mean, it's ok, Facebook is a good media, but some times I wonder if people actually know what they put out there. Especially when it is not your own kids, I mean, fair enough, you might be their aunt or their godmother or their cousin -but does the parents of these kids really allow all these photos of their tinys out there?

Just sayin'

XOXO

Self Worth

2011-03-05T23:16:00.007+01:00

I have problems valuing myself... I have as mentioned always been told I am not worth a lot, from my peers that is, not from say family or friends. Still, even though I really should toss all those comments away as I am adult and know better -I still feel like crap. The fact of the matter is I have a masters degree, I am managing a pharmacy, and I live in a pretty much stable relationship. I have succeeded in most of the stuff I have tried to accomplish, and still, I feel like there is some part of me missing -I always want to be better.

Fact of the matter is you don't have to be better -one should realize that how you are is perfectly good. Getting better is merely a bonus, not a necessity, and I have serious problems realizing that myself.

"Do I have a mental handicap?"

I bought myself a digital camera, and all I can think of now is that I DON'T know how to use it, and that I really should learn. So I surf the web and look at the forums to try to find out what I need to know. I find it hard -and then I get mad at myself for not being able to focus on something that really should matter to me -instead of picking it up at a later time when I might be focused enough to read it. Even after watching some videos online I still can't seem to make things stick to my brain when it comes to functionality and tips and tricks.. makes me wonder how I managed through five years of university and did pretty decently..

My biggest problem when it comes to believing in myself is in the matter of relationships with other human beings. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at friendships, and I'm bad at romantic relationships. My current one is my longest one running (2 years in case you wondered), I have a handful of friends I would call my real friends, and a gazillion acquaintances. First of all it's a matter of trust, I can't trust people to like the real me, which makes me this fake person no one likes -or at least that no one understands. Also I have this tendency to push away the people I care the most about -like boyfriends. I don't know what it is, I just don't feel like I deserve good things for some reason..

Stupid past memories, stupid past feelings and emotions and idiotic comments that stuck -who cares, I'm a grown up, successful woman at the beginning of a skyrocketing career -why shouldn't I feel good about myself ? Why shouldn't I deserve good things? Good friends, good lovers (haha, plural) and awesome acquaintances (ya'll are pretty awesome you know).
Sometimes -just sometimes, I wish I wasn't an adult.
xoxo
M

Need you now

2011-03-02T22:18:00.002+01:00

"Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now"

Stuck on my mind much ? Oh yes definetly...

Need You Now Lyrics at elw

xoxo

Worrying

2011-02-28T19:18:00.008+01:00

Did I mention I got a kindle ? It's all kinds of KOS. :D

...because of recent personal events, the possibility of me and my man moving to his hometown in the US have once again come up. I am worried... Worried because I wish we didn't have to make this decision, right after we have already planned to most likely stay back here for as long as possible. I can't say much about it, if you wanna know and you know me ask me about it, it's personal, but everything is ok for now.

In other news, look at the view from our house at night -pretty huh ? Work was tiresome today, assuming it will be equally as tiresome tomorrow as I have a lot to do with closing the month off accountant wise, plus having a lot to do with the institution deliveries too. Ah well, hard working life I guess. I can tell travelling back and forth is tearing on me, but at the same time I have four and/or five day work weeks, compared to others who work a hell of a lot more -I really should not complain. So what if I come home from work late, who cares, P isn't home, and food is not going to make it self. I NEED, NEED NEED to learn how to eat enough whilst at work, but it's hard, I kind of always squeeze food out of the equation when I'm stressed out. Thankfully I don't really deal much with the "back" where I work, and the more I am in the front, the less stressed out I am. My office looks like shit, haha, I have so many papers to sort, but nothing important really, and I know where everything is.

Again, enough about that. I am still bored online, I don't know why, I just seem to get annoyed from all the things I used to like reading about -maybe I have changed. Therefore I normally resend my facebook info and hope someone updated their status in to something interesting.. let me tell you, 99,99999% of the time, nothing happens -haha, my sad life for ya. My kindle is my new lover, and it is awesome. This morning I even forgot my morning radio show (mainly since I had forgotten my ipod at home, but never mind that).

I'm blabbering, shutting up now

xoxo

online boredom

2011-02-24T19:40:00.006+01:00

Lately I've been sitting in front of my computer not knowing where to surf. In all honesty I'm pretty bored online, and I guess all the lowcarb/workout blogs, or to be honest, "I am trying to lose weight" posts out there have just gotten pretty boring to me. It seems like every woman on this planet is losing weight, and then my question is, how about loving yourself as you are for once? We don't all need to lose weight! And even though I understand all these girls, I find myself getting ANNOYED for some stupid reason.. I mean, honestly, you guys are all fine the way you are -please see that ?

todays dinner... nomm!!!!

I will admit, I am throwing rocks in my own little glass house here, in all fairness I have years and years of self-loathing to take from. I don't mean to sound.. well, mean, but I can see that obsessing over other people losing weight isn't really a great way of dealing with my own shit either. Silly.

Today I had a conversation with my boss (regional manager), I have gotten on track again with my job, although I still have struggles in my every day life at work, trying to find out what the F/H everyone is up to in the back. I have never understood those pharmacies that have people working in the far back, and never appearing in the front desk. Gue

ss what? It's in the front all the customers are, that's where you make the money and save your job.

I've come to realize that I have to take charge and steer in whichever direction I want to go. The sad part however is that it's not my dream job, it's not my dream pharmacy, and I want to have respect before I quit there -not very likely to happen. Also, we have something going on that might lead us to the US within the next six months if necessary... We hope we don't have to, but if we do, I will not let my non-dream-job stand in the way of us going somewhere.

anyway. I got myself some more toys :) A new schedule/planner, and Yngvild brought me a kindle from the US. WEEEEEheeeee, an e-book reader is exactly what I need on the dreaded way to work. It's tiny and cute and awesome, and I already downloaded a few books onto it. The pictures tell the story themselves now don't they!?

xoxo

Sunday

2011-02-20T12:12:00.005+01:00

Hey,

I know, I haven't blogged, I don't blog. Every time I get an idea for a blog post, I'm walking from one place to the next, or I'm on the tram, or I'm on the boat or at work in the middle of something. I'm settling in at work now, I have taken charge over the whole personal/staff thing, and I am now setting up all of our lists on where everyone should be at what times -and that feels good. It does mean that I am spending a lot of time on the computer making lists, also after coming home from work. This morning I realized that I have not sent in a bill that is due next week, so Monday morning (which sadly is tomorrow) I have do to some office work... Boy do I hate office work, that's the one downpart to being manager.

Anyway, enough about work -well partly anyway. I am currently waiting for my REN skincare citrus mask to work (max ten minutes) and then rinsing it off. We have got the whole line in our pharmacies these days and as a courtesy we are allowed to take the testers home for a night and trying them out. Nothing like recommending products that you have already tried out on yourself. In addition to that I have gotten the peeling mask, the mayday mayday rescue balm (replacement for the Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream apparently) and a keep young and beautiful serum on my hands, and are testing them out for a while. I took home the firming body lotion and another mask, plus the body scrub -Should be set for a while, haha. In addition to that, lately I have bought a new MD face/body scrub recommended from several blogs, and! three new nailpolishes from BarryM. Shopping much?

Didn't tell you the best part yet -I both found my old digicam, AAAND celebrated by buying a new one. I now have a Canon EOS550D on my hands, spent way too much money (about 1000USD) but then again, it's my gift to myself -it was even on valentines day!

How have your days been ?

xoxo

noblog....

2011-02-12T14:28:00.004+01:00

Hey

I'm sorry I haven't blogged lately.. I know there ain't a whole lot of you following my blog anyway, so the loss is at least smaller than if I was one of the top 100 of Norway blogs -hehe, unlikely.

Anyway, my last two posts have been about my anorectic self. Because even though I have been "good" for about six years now, my head is still not as good as it should be. I started working out last year, and even though I could see the effects on my body for a while, my weight remained the same. Now let's get one thing clear, it isn't always about weight. But with a BMI of 31 (severely obese), I really should start taking more care of myself. Fine, I do have a lot of muscle -but then again I haven't worked out in two months, thereby probably losing a lot of my muscle mass back in to fat tissue once more.

I took a week of vacation from work, it was well needed. My self-esteem issues make me feel small and alone being manager, and sometimes it's hard being lonely on top. I just have to clinch my teeth together and realize that I AM the manager, and I am there to make things work. I wish I could get an employee I could trust and I could mold in to what I want out of a tech/pharmacist... Although that is unlikely to happen -a girl can always dream.

Ten awesome girls have started a new motivational blog called motivated.blogg.no -I would recommend you to take a look if you read Norwegian, it's pretty cool. The point of the blog is to get inspired, and to understand that you CAN do it, if you are trying to lose weight or get a healthier lifestyle. It's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy and happy with who you are. Like we all should be! (myself included).

I am trying this time. When I get back home, there HAS to be some change. I'll be all Obama about it -CHANGE (or underwear, my friend works for the lingerie chain CHANGE, haha). I need to plan out my meals, I need to start moving a bit -my low energy levels are from not sleeping enough, but also from not moving around enough. I wan't to crossfit, but I will do my own version of it, since I am not a member of a gym these days. I'm going to go to mobech and get some weights, and even though our living room/kitchen really isn't that big, I want to use some of that area as my workout area.. my space, my rules.

Now this is a hope, a dream, but this time, I have to make it. I am miserable and I am ruining my life, and my relationship because of my misery. I can't live like this any more. If I want to have a future with my man, if I want to have a happy healthy future for me, and my possible kids -I am hoping this might be it. I have mucked around for way too long now, it's time for a change...

xoxo

Things that matter

2011-01-29T23:06:00.003+01:00

I have gotten more responses on my last blogpost than any of the previous ones. No wonder, since I have poked around in blogs and left my mark -but anywho, thank you to everyone who has commented, or read my post.. I really, truly appreciate it.

I'm lonely in this city. I have mentioned it before but I mean it, I want to point it out. As I pointed out in the previous post I've never been the kind of girl who had a lot of friends. In addition to that I have a brain that decieves me in to believeing noone likes me, or wants to be with me. Whenever I meet new people I always think that they see me as first of all Fat (mentioned eating disorder thoughts), second of all stupid (bad self-esteem) and lastly pretty lame and boring. Which I guess in some way is true. I don't enjoy going to a crowded bar to hang out and get drunk. First of all, being at a bar where they play loud music, and overcharge you for drinks kind of sucks. Second, I don't enjoy getting drunk in public places.. I dunno, I think it's got something to do with my past experiences with alochol. Don't worry, it't no big deal, I just had an ex who well... liked to drink a lot.

The reason I think I am lonely is because I make myself lonely. I want to be with people, but then again I want to stay home, so I do. come evening I get bored and alone, and stare at my monitor where noone replies to my facebookmessages, msn or tweets (trying to be "cool" and use twitter, not working). I'm also impatient... I want to have interessting conversations where I say something awesome or meaningful and "deep", and instead it's mainly just jibberish and pretty boring. I guess trying to be someone you are not is not really a good idea huh...

Parts of me want to know if everyone else has the same weird thoughts roaming around in their heads. I want to know all the random stuff people do in a day, and all their random thoughts about their lives, or others for that matter. I've spent a lot of my energy focusing on how horrible I am as a person -when in fact I am not that horrible at all... Does anyone else even think about these things? Am I a complete idiot for having this weird ass brain telling me these things?

Blargh... My brain is about to explode from all this thinking.. this blogpost sure didn't turn out the way I wanted it to... I'm just.. lonely..inside.
xoxo
M

Eating Disorder

2011-01-22T22:38:00.003+01:00

My name is M, and I have an eating disorder.

It all started about 11 years ago, and even though I have gone six years without going back in to starvation mode, I am still somewhat starving my body. Whenever I am under a lot of emotional stress, I stop eating certain meals in a day, or even if I do eat I don't eat enough and my hunger takes over.

As you all know (well, some of you know), I have been working out to get stronger, not necessarily to lose weight.. Although I must admit I was hoping for the latter. That obviously failed, but at least I have noticed I have gained muscle mass over the last year. However, I have not worked out very much since November, so whatever muscle mass I had built up has most likely deteriorated in to fat cells yet again. Does it matter? Does it make me less of a person? Probably not. Do I feel like it does? Yes I do.

From the age of fourteen I had anorexia. I think it started when I was sick, and realized that by not eating I lost a lot of weight and my thights that used to be glued to my ancles, were now hanging like nothing else around my calfs... At 12/14 that was probably not the best thing to notice at said point. I have never known my biological father, which in many cases made me feel very abandoned as a child. I had everything I wanted and needed, a loving mom, a caring step-dad and the worlds best family. I have had some friend losses through the years, and I never really fit in to the "norm" where I was from... Sadly that didn't help on the eating disorder.

The death of my then boyfriend in 2004 made me promise myself (and him) that I would never go back to not eating. And I never have. I am noticing that even though I am trying not to think of it, my head is still in anorexia and self loathing mode. As you might remember I promised myself I would be nicer to myself this year, and not hate myself as much as I have done previous years. Despite this promise, despite having a perfectly good night last night and day today, I still loathe myself as much as I used to. I don't think I'm good enough, I don't feel pretty "enough", and I just want to put my head in the sand and disappear -I mean, would anyone even notice?

I have concidered enrolling in some course to loose weight -but because of my personal issues with weight and food, going in to one of these programs is too unsafe and scary for my part. It sounds silly, but that is just how I feel -and I hope you understand that. I have a boyfriend who is perfectly able to help me lose weight, as he did it himself once. However, he says as any therapist would say -you have to do it yourself, I can not do it for you. It is true, I need to make my own meal plan, I need to figure out how to incorporate workouts in to my daily routines, and I need to make time to make lunch and breakfast probably the night before so I can make sure I actually wake up in time to eat it.

I needed to post this, mainly for myself. I need to deal with my issues, and face my fears (RIP Regine). They might seem small and feeble to some, to be they are my nightmare, the reason for my sorrows and despair, and my lifelong struggle to love myself. To me -this is a big deal.
xoxo
M

Being a Virgo -planning freak

2011-01-16T22:03:00.004+01:00

My boyfriend doesn't believe in anything. He doesn't believe in God (well, to be honest neither do I), he doesn't believe in faith or "signs" of any kind -including star signs. Now, again, to be honest anyone can write anything, and somwhere in what you wrote someone will recognize themselves/their own personalities. In any book you can read at page six, and take every second letter of every third word and make some fortune telling code that something will happen at a certain point in time. However, when it comes to one part of the description of the virgo there is one thing that fits me to a T -the whole planning thing.

Whenever I know where I want to go on vacation, I have this massive urge to order tickets -just to make sure I will be able to travel on the datesDid I do it? Of course I didn't, I planned it at least two months ahead, so I knew what dates I would leave and get home.

Now this can be a handy skill, planning vacation is kind of important as you have to let your employer know when you will be there and when you won't. My biggest problem these days is about my future though. Being with someone who has a job where things are more uncertain than in my business means concidering moving to new locations is on ou that I've picked. I can't just wait and see if there are available flights on that day and just leave. My best friend is a tour guide, so hotel booking and other stuff wouldn't really have been an issue, and I could have waited until the day before travelling to her to buy a ticket.. r minds every now and then. My biggest problem is the fact that I have just started a job where there is changes needed, and I am the person who is trusted to do it. Even though I said when I accepted the job offer that I might not stay for longer than 6-9 months I still feel like I want to manage this. I want to be the best goddamn manager I can be, and do my best to get this thing up and running as it should be before I one day move on to something else.

We have been talking back and fourth forever, about possibly moving out of the country. Where is not relevant at this time. I am having big time struggles deciding whether I can leave my current life and go. On one side, I would want nothing else but to leave this country and just go... go wherever, experience an adventure. On the other side I feel like I need to prove myself, and if I left my work in six months, maybe all my accomplishments would just disappear because noone will follow up on it. Then again, is that such a big deal?

I also fear that if I leave something bad will happen and I will be several hundres/thousands kilometers away and not be able to fix it. I am also scared I will lose my job, and never be able to come back to my manage job and the payment that comes with it. On the other hand, I am 26 years old (really obsessing about the age thing ain't I) and I have about 40 more years in work-life ahead of me. My biggest problem is the planning... I want to be able to plan where I am in six months... When I write it down like this it sounds terrible, and it sounds really silly and stupid.. But honestly that is the truth. I just want to know where I am, or know where I would work if we moved wherever.

Fact of the matter is anywhere we moved it would probably be out of Europe, which means I would not be able to use my pharmacy degree for anything. I might be able to use my chemistry for something, and work as a lab assistant or as a laborant of some kind. I have a masters, but I only got a C on it, and for a resume that you give out, that might not look too good abroad. That kind of annoys me, because I am damn good at what I do, I just wrote a pretty bad paper (or, an OK paper, not a great one). I am worried I will never find a job, I am worried I will have left perfectly good Norway, with my great salary, and high taxes -that at least give me health care, for some country where I don't know what I will get.... It scares the shit out of me.. Friday I even said "If you move out of the country, I don't think I can join you". However, today I don't really see the big problem..
Am I crazy? (yes)
xoxo
M

Internet pt. 3. (it never ends)

2011-01-16T14:44:00.003+01:00

So I've had this blog for some years now. I think I started my first blog when I was with previously-mentioned-boyfriend-that-it-took-me four-years-to-get-over. I've written the emotions that I've felt, I've written about break-ups and deaths. My previous eating disorder has also had a big part of my blog world, but lately I've mostly blogged about my nervousness about my new job, and the hardships that come with it.

Then the other day I got frightened. I've realized that the more I poke my nose around the more "famous" bloggers of Norway, the more the likelyhood of someone actually poking in to my blog might know/get to know who I am, and also know where and what I am talking about when it comes to work. Problem is, of course the blog is official, I could have hidden the posts where I mentioned my worries and or fears. I could have password locked the bits where I mentioned my concerns with my new job, and the problems that I am facing being 26 years old, managing people who are about twice my age. The problem is I don't want to... I don't want to hide from who I am, but maybe I should, especially if it gets personal?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly got frightened one of the bloggers I have started following might recognize where I work (since it really isn't that hard to recognize), and then maybe she knew someone who knows someone who works for me, and maybe those someones would read my blog and then everything would just be a big massive mess... (long sentence much?)
I make up these situations in my head that are truly bizarre, and there really is no reason why I should. Who cares? Who cares if someone who work for me reads about the challenges I face? Or have faced in the past. If I can't stand for my opinions or feelings, maybe I shouldn't blog about them? True... but fact of the matter is I've always kind of known who the visitors of my blog is, and thereby not have to worry about them telling anyone about it. It has more been a diary for myself, about myself, and nothing else.

Anyway, whoever you are reading this, just remember, this is where I put out my hardships and struggles. As do everyone else who write blogs (well, not everyone, but you catch my drift). Of course there's a lot of things I don't mention, and my work people really ain't THAT hard to work with :) It's just hard being the new girl. Besides, noone can argue that coming in at my age can be a challenge, as you don't get respected as much as someone who is twice your age and have lots and lots of experience..

Have a nice Sunday
xoxo
M

Internet pt. 2.

2011-01-11T21:39:00.003+01:00

Short Internet pt 2.
I log on to facebook today and here is what meets me:
Friend on FB
"Does anyone have a USED train, bus or boat ticket I can get, from October, November, December or January from abroad to Norway???!?!"
Replies include:
"haha, what do you need that for"
"I was wondering the same thing"

Reply:
"Mr X (her boyfriend) needs some sort of "proof" that he came in to the country less than 3 months ago"
Comment: "oh, ok"

Ok, does this person even realize what she is doing now is trying to FRAUD the Norwegian government, AND also posting it on facebook so that everyone can see that she is trying to fraud them? Am I insane to post this? I feel like the Norwegian government is going to find me and tell me to tell them who this is... fair enough, if they do, that is kind of fair.. but WOW do you have to be pretty daft to even post that on facebook.

We can be scared all we want of big brother watching us, or of moneypeople puppeting presidents and such around... but honestly, how can we say we are that much different? What would you do for money? What would you not do for money? How far would you go to protect the one/ones you love. We all sit on our asses pretending to be holy as f***, but then again, are we really?

Not so sure.
xoxo
M

The internet

2011-01-07T23:03:00.009+01:00

I think my family, and me have had computers since I can't even remember... 1992? We had an old IBM we got from someone who was upgrading their office computers, it had windows 3.11 on it, and was horribly interface wise. Then we got our first computer with win95 (or was there ever a win93? I'm deliberately not googling that). It was awesome, so much easier to use, and it was attached to a modem -and we had THE INTERNEEETS. I have no idea how it happened, but somehow I managed to get both ICQ and mIRC -can't remember what came first. My first friend on ICQ was canadian melissa, which I have no idea what is doing right now. on mIRC I found several from my own area, and sadly I must admit that is where I met my first boyfriend -haha.

Somehow I managed to end up getting to know people from Narvik in the chats, and I had this bunch of friends from Narvik and the Oslo area that I met in Oslo the summer of '99. Tonje (from Spydeberg) is still one of my fairly good friends (we don't keep in touch too often, but then again she lives abroad). I also met Sigve who has a fairly well known blog in norwegian politics or something... (hey, I hate politics). Turned out that I went to this LAN party that Narvik was holding, and I met my second boyfriend (hahaha) Torje. To be honest I have to admit he was the love of my life for several years, the first man I ever loved, and the one man it took me ages to get over. I finally knew I was over him when I realized how big his front teeth was (no offence hon, they just was compared to others). Now he is happily engaged to his girlfriend for years, almost ever since we broke up in fact -his old best friend that I already knew would be the right one for him -good for them!:)

Anyway, Narvik and mIRC found me a lot of friends, and we moved in to the era of msn. Ever since MSN, even though ICQ was mostly "friends only", I feel like the internet has become more and more "friends only". On mIRC you would always find someone you didn't know (up to a certain time of hanging on there), and meeting new friends online wasn't too hard. Then again, it was mostly geeks that were online back in those days, and not "everyone". Haha, I'm turning in to one of those old ladies who thinks everyone was so much better in the past (lol of self).

Through the internet I met new friends, whenever I moved I met new people where I moved through the chat, mainly IRC, since as mentioned, MSN isn't really a place where you pick up random people. Then myspace came along, and probably things before that which I never knew about. I never really found myspace to be the big hit. When I was studying pharmacy this new thing called facebook came along, and somehow me and my bestfriend Kristian, even though we thought FB was silly, we decided to see who could catch the most friends/old people we knew and we made a FB account each. Turned out he knew more people than me, no shocker there. Facebook is still a closed medium, but with all the shares that goes around there, it really isn't a very safe place to put your kids picture or a lot of personal information..

Now to my half-point. Even though we have all these closed communities online (in the old days I got to know people through planetarion and it's community), we still don't get too far away from new people. All over the place people are making these things called blogs, and everywhere people are reading about eachothers lives, and getting to "know" eachother through their blogs. The important thing to remember is that we DON'T know these people. We think we might, but we don't. However, I do admire the ones that put their whole lives, and whole self-worth out there for us to inspect - you guys are amazing. If you haven't seen these people already, let me recomment Lise, Marie, Talented Gudrun, Ida, Kayso, my old friend Trine, Hedda (cute 17 year old currently exchanging in the US), and all those others out there. Sofsen is pretty awesome too, although hasn't blogged to much lately, but maybe after new years resolutions she will?

All I can say is, that so far I only know one of these fab girls in person, and I hope that 2011 let's me meet atleast one, or maybe two of them!:) You girls are awesome, I admire you, and you deserve some attention. Diem Perdidi is one of my newest attachments to my bloglist. And last but not least, check out my awesome journalist friend Julie, ooh, and her dad Espen too :)

The internet, according to this person

In retrospect, this is how the internet has changed... we are "fans" of eachothers work (well, not too many fans on my part, as hardly anyone "knows" I'm here -not that it matters). It's weird for me not to "Talk" to people through some sort of chat though, because that's always how I've used the internet to get to know people before I actually met them in person.
Have a good weekend guys, I will spend it cuddling with my new HTC Desire :)
xoxo
M

New year!

2011-01-02T19:22:00.004+01:00

We've spent the new year watching ridiculous amounts of the big bang theory. I <3 that show! It is genious :) Well, maybe not genious, but it sure is fun and entertaining for those who find geeks funny. The worst part is I can recognise myself, and a lot of my old friends in the characters, not as a whole, but small parts of them. :) We have also been eating leftovers from new years dinner, which by the way was TDF! Mixing Peters excellent cooking skills, with Julies and mine, was a brilliant idea and turned new years dinner in to a massive feast of foods (and side dishes). Tonje gave the night an even better end with delicious warm blackberries and vanila ice cream for dessert. NOMNOMNOMMMMMM!

Today I have made pancakes, kind of american style, although not the shake mix kind -the from scratch kind. they turned out pretty awesome, however now my tummy hurts :P We also had to buy maple syrup, which in Norway is around 12 USD for a cup of maple syrup - yes, ridiculous expensive. Worth it? Oh absolutely!

I have decided not to have any new years resolutions this year. But as the current events, and my readback of blogposts (or, Martines readback of blogposts and comments I make about myself), I have decided that the least I can do for new years is to treat myself a bit better. I guess it is about time huh? I need to get better at telling myself when I've done something good, and stop kicking my own ass when I have done something that might not be too clever, but isn't the end of the world either!

I have concidered buying a Canon EOS camera, will reconcider it on friday when I might drop by fotovideo to talk to someone who actually knows something about cameras. I have also concidered buying a new phone for myself, and I am very tempted to go all out and just buy a smartphone... Not an Iphone though.... an HTC desire... when buying one though, I am sure I will somehow manage to drop it on the ground several times during the first week, thereby maybe smashing it to pieces. :P Ok, that was being mean to myself, but honestly, isn't that what everyone does at some point? Break their smartphones because smartphones really can't stand that much beating. Old Nokias on the other hand - very resilient phones! Again, I am torn between my wants for pretty things, and my ability to give myself something nice that actually costs a bit of money.

Ah well, should hit the shower and prepare for tomorrows work day.. Isn't it great when christmas comes on a friday and newyears too... :/

xoxo

M

Mo in X-Factor

2010-12-03T16:07:00.006+01:00

Ok, this year, Norwegian X-factor really have a guy who HAS the x-factor. Turns out the x-factor comes from Somalia.

Norwegian x-factor

*don't know how to put videos in my blog posts...*
Oh.. turns out it wasn't too hard...
Xo
M

Weekend

2010-12-03T15:22:00.004+01:00

So I started my new job wednesday, and one of my perks of having an hour commute to work, is that I have four day work weeks for 3 weeks, and then a five day one once every fourth (working saturday). That means I have Friday or Monday off every single week. Go me! Today I have gotten a massage from the guy at my dr.s office. I have visited my friend Christian at his job, and I have picked up the last of my remains from the other pharmacy where I used to work. Quitting my job and moving on to something else makes me think of when I quit Notabene to go over to Vitus and always went over to visit the Notabene girls. I just love my jobs (normally). I love my co-workers, and the coustomers (most of them), and I truly miss them once I'm gone.

Now I just can't wait until we get new locations, because when we do we can finally get some more work done when it comes to developing. For now we have to stay as we are, but we have to improve our service, and always put the coustomers first, and no talking to eachother when someone walks in the door. The most important thing in any store-principal is that you meet the coustomer where he/she is. Don't ignore him for more than 20seconds, then he automatically will think you are giving bad service. Even if it's just a hello, you don't have to jump over and attack them, but you can let them know you are there if they need you. Anyway, enough about work.

I'm still disappointed over my last panacotta experience, so I actually think I need to go make sure it doesn't happen again... That means trying out the old recipe and not using crappy vanila or big glasses... Who can blame me though; I just wanted to use big glasses to get MOOOOORE... nomnom. I have to make some food and then I need to go out again. Honestly I really have to shop for some christmas gifts. The other reason is that my mom has sent a package and I need to go pick it up at the post office. Sad part is that I probably won't be able to open the package anyway since it probably contains christmas gifts.. BUU! I want gifts now (lucky people who's birthdays are in December).

Christmas is a lot about swapping money, and I know it really shouldn't be. Don't we all know it? Still we stress around in December, shop our hearts out and speculate what to give away, and what we are going to get. There's barely ever I really truly need anything, and if I do need something I will go buy it -because I'm an adult, I have a job, and I make my own money. I wish I could do some hand-work... knitting, sowing, anything... glass painting? And I remember thinking about this in September, that yes, I can do that for christmas, it means first of all I won't spend too much money on gifts, and second, that I will give away something personal... Did I? NO I didn't.. Ah well, maybe next year?

What are you guys doing for christmas? And christmasgifts...?
xo
M

Did I scare you?

2010-11-24T18:48:00.003+01:00

So I will admit, if you are new to this blog, or if you don't know me, getting someones six year anniversary of death slammed in your face doesn't really make you want to read on. But I promise, no more death posts about former deceased boyfriends or hopefully anything else about deaths..

Anyway. I have today off, and I am currently doing absolutely nothing. I did manage to make a cheesecake for tomorrows thanksgiving party at Julies tomorrow. Besides that I have done absolutely nothing, and as usual that makes me feel like a complete useless housewife. I mean, I have today off, not tomorrow. I was supposed to go christmas shopping yesterday because one of the malls were open until midnight, did I go? No. Instead I fell asleep on the couch and felt like sleeping forever. I forgot to eat dinner, and today, I don't feel like eating dinner at all.

I've been wating for boyfriend to get home all day, and now it turns out he went out with work for the usual friday beer... Which would have been fine, had I not gotten all excited about him coming home at seven like he said he would... Turns out he didn't. And of course I got all girly about it and want him to come home now. I hate that I am girly. I hate that things are like that - that we go all girly and stupid for our men, when we really don't have to. In general though I'm pretty bad at this. I'm pretty bad at accepting that plans change, and that boyfriend, or just regular friend doesn't show up on time, or when they are supposed to.

ah well.. Just had to ramble something on paper. I have these ideas on what to blog about, and they all sound interessting and fun in my head. When it comes down to it though, I forget my ideas, and just lash out at everything around me instead.. bad..
xoxo
M

Six years ago...

2010-11-22T17:50:00.004+01:00

...my then boyfriend went to go skiing, and never came back.

Even though he is not on my mind much anymore, I still feel the need to mention it. The odd thing about it is that it was the same day as today, a Monday evening. I remember I hadn't heard from him all afternoon/evening before I got the call around ten that he had been in an accident and was in the hospital. After a while I found out he would be sent to my city for further scans -little did I know that by that time he was probably already dead... The likelyhood that he was dead from the moment he hit the ground is pretty big. Then again one never knows, what if he was rushed to one of the biggest hospitals in an instant, would he be here today?

I don't think you can think that way though. People who are gone are truly gone, and no "what ifs" will ever change that. Tomorrow will just be yet another day. Today I didn't even think about it until I saw his mom on facebook.

About facebook.. me and a friend talked about that as her brother just got ripped away in an accident. We talked about how his profile is still up, and what you do with those things after people die. I mean, I don't have my password written on anything, and noone else has access to my email, my phone, or my facebook account. Apparently you can either keep the profile open, make it in to a memorial site or close it down completely. It's a hard decision, and I think me and my friend agreed to disagree on the matter... All I can say is, I'm glad I didn't have to make that choice for my boyfriend at the time (probably would not have been my choice anyway, but still). Electronic traces of people are weird like that.. who decides to delete them? Maybe we should start including them in our wills? But then again, who aged 23 (or younger, or older without kids) ever makes a will if they don't have a job that requires it ?

Ah well. You are still in my heart honey - always will be.
Love you
M

Freaking out (as usual)

2010-11-21T01:11:00.003+01:00

So, I've been concidering or not wheter to buy an apartment or not, and for a while now I have been landing on not. However, when my first "boss" payment got payed out this month, paying 40 per cent taxes really didn't feel too good. And now I got myself thinking, so what if I buy a place, will it really be that bad? I find myself searching finn.no for apartments in either Mysen or Oslo, and in Oslo of course I have to look in the most expensive place of all, just because it is closer to work then what we currently have. Then I come to think about how much loan you can get on our incomes, so I check it out, and it turns out - a lot.

Not that we will get a lot, but I mean, how to people know much to buy an apartment for... (that was very easily translated from norwegian). Then I come to think of the fact that I haven't even started my new job yet, so why look for an apartment, heck -we don't even know how long we are staying in Oslo. Preferably my hope was to get a job in Mysen, now I am thinking -is that really what I want? Or am I only wanting it because I have family there? I mean, moving away from Oslo would mean leaving our friends here. Staying in Oslo would mean spending a whole lot of money on an apartment we might not keep for longer than a year or two. Worse case scenario, boyfriend doesn't have a job in a year and we have to move somewhere else -just saying.

I don't know the things you need to know about buying an apartment. Neither me or boyfriend has very much knowlegde about what to look for and what to look out for. So what if we buy this place and it turns out there is a whole bunch of faults on it and we are stuck with it and can't sell it..?

There's so much else I want to say, but I just can't get them down on "paper"...
I suck
M

Alone

2010-10-18T11:10:00.003+02:00

Lately I've felt alone a lot. That being said, I don't do much to keep in touch with people, so I am partially to blame for my own loneliness. I've always been kind of a loner, not always voluntarily though. The first few years of school I didn't have too many close friends, and the one friend that I did have kind of left me from the age of ten. It hurt me, that she just wanted to be with new girl instead of me, like I wasn't good enough. Come 8th-10th grade I had a couple of good friends, but they were still looked upon as the "cool girls", whilst I was the one who didn't get invited to parties. After we started first grade at high school they moved out of the city, so that year I mainly hung out with the boys in school, and noone outside of school. Luckily I moved away from all these people 2nd to 3rd year of high school and met new people in a new city that accepted me more for who I was. I've never had as many friends as I did the last two years of high school.

First year of college was kind of a bitch. A lot of things happened and the people who were my friends couldn't accept that I was honest about who I was.. Long story short, they got mad at me and rejected me because I couldn't stand up against authorities... I wasn't strong enough back then, I am now. University was a story in itself, starting out the worst year of my life when boyfriend died after being together for about 2-3 months... It changed me, it obviously made me
depresssed, and lonely.... It made me not be very logical or good about things, and whenever people said "are you OK?" I always answered honestly with a "No". That must've been hard to deal with, but honestly, what did they expect? My boyfriend was dead, I was in a new city, and I had lost the second love of my life... It had taken me about four years to get over the first one, and now the second one DIES? I mean, honestly -so not fair.

By the end of university and ridiculous amounts of DRAMA, I've finally settled down in a town where I don't know a lot of people. The people I do know, or used to hang out with moved to FREAKING Canada. Ok, they are not my only friends, but Martine was kind of my best friend, and even though you meet new people, you do miss the ones you've been closest to. Ronja is another example, we have lived together on and off for five years while I was in Tromsø, and I still miss her like crazy and wishes she lived in the same town as me. However, she is a tour guide, and tour guides in Oslo just isn't the same as in Turkey now is it!

I'm not going to list more of my friends, you all know who you are, and that I love you dearly.. Problem is I'm bad at keeping in touch with people. I'm also very touchy, and don't want to be in anyones "way" so to speak... I am too childish and quite frankly kind of DUMB sometimes, when I feel sorry for myself because nobody likes me. Who this nobody is? I don't know. I just feel like everyone else has that certain someone, a friend they either have known all their lives, or a friend that they are VERY close to, even though they are recent friends... Whilst I just don't feel like I matter that much in the big picture. No offense to any of my friends, I just feel like a lesser person, and that I don't matter -and it's not your fault it's mine.

My self esteem is something that has been a problem since those first years of school. Always being abandoned, and left for oneself really hurts... Doesn't help that biodad left me well, almost when I was born. Kind of screws you over in general now doesn't it! It really affects the person you are, if you want to or not. I have tried fighting this, I am fighting this. Seeing myself as someone being worth something, to myself or to others is really hard! I've gotten a lot better, but sometimes, just sometimes... I still feel left alone.

Don't ask don't tell

2010-10-08T12:28:00.007+02:00

"Sexual orientation will not be a bar to service unless manifested by homosexual conduct. The military will discharge members who engage in homosexual conduct, which is defined as a homosexual act, a statement that the member is homosexual or bisexual, or a marriage or attempted marriage to someone of the same gender. – sitat fra The Pentagon's New Policy Guidelines on Homosexuals in the Military, The New York Times (20. july 1993)"

The don't ask don't tell act was put in to action in 1993. In September 2010, five boys from the age of 13 and up took their own lives because they were bullied for being gay. It's so sad we are haunted by gay-fear in 2010.. Gay people are no different from heterosexuals, why can't people realize that? I suggest everyone take a look at Larry King Live show that was sent about gay bullying (link). And if you are a US teenager with problems (or older for that matter), please read up on the Trevor project and get help to talk about your depressions and problems regarding being gay... not that there should be any! but if there are please don't do anything drastic... just call.

Boyfriend has a gay sister, one of my best friends is gay, some of my old friends are gay and I've never really seen the problems about being gay. Maybe it's because I've grown up around gay people? Our neighbours when i was six was gay, and they are some of our best friends. When I was 14 or something they got married in Sweden, even blessed by a priest! In Norway gays are finally allowed to get married, and i find it pretty crazy that some american states are still against gay marriage... Saying it's against nature, saying it's not Gods wish... that is just USELESS. How can they claim that all humans are equal and deserve the hand of God in one moment, and then go against themselves when people are gay? And even more ridiculous, how can people think that PRAYING will help people get HEALED for their gayness? HEALED? It's not a freaking disease, it's the way the heart works, it's loving someone beyond their gender, it's finding a soul mate or lover.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have this theory that everyone is more or less gay. Look at it percentage wise. So you can be 100% heterosexual, or 100% homosexual. But you can also be 10/90, 20/80 etc. I know some of my friends are more on the 40/60 or 60/40 side. Yes, I know, it's called being bisexual, I'm no idiot, but here's the thing, a lot of people wouldn't necessarily want to call themselves bisexual. Bisexual is also a "bad" thing in many peoples eyes. Girls seem to be able to explore their sexuality within the same gender more than men do. We kiss our girlfriends when we are drunk, claiming it's only to tease the men -but really, is that the only reason? I think that some people are just too scared to admit that they are doing it to feel what it feels like kissing someone of the same gender. Are they bisexual? Are they homosexual? Not necessarily

I think I would be more 20/80. Get me wrong, I do prefer men, oh do I love my men (or man, ha ha). But see, I fall in love with PEOPLE, not just gender. Right now I've been wathing "Sigrid soeker kjaereste" on nrk.no -and honestly, I think I have a small crush on her. She is just SO SWEET! She's cute, she is trying to find a BOYfriend on national television, and even though she is a comedienne, and I thought it would be more joking than serious -it's not. She is herself on TV, and I admire her for it. Being single and looking is hard enough in this country, and being a celebrity that is normally quite harsh and looked upon as a "Strong Woman" probably doesn't make it any easier. I admire her, and I would love to go out with her myself -she's just THAT adorable! (I think I have this thing for blondes lately... whats up with that?)

Just so you know kids, gay or not gay -it get's better. Being a teenager might suck, but being an adult and choosing who to hang with, who to love, and who to care for makes everything better. Please stand up for anyone who is being bullied, be it for their sexual orientation, or anything else. Don't listen do narrow minded leaders who are cowards and don't know what they are talking about. We are all equal, we all matter.

xoxo

Randomness

2010-10-04T18:19:00.007+02:00

So a lot of thoughts have rambled through my head today. First of all, someone posted on Facebook today "Pls pray 4 me today...already stressed out and it is only 9am!". Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am no religious person. Compared to my other half however, I'm a believer, as I can say that I do believe there was this dude named Jesus who made a pretty big deal out of himself back in the day. Or, all the other guys made a pretty big deal out of him. And in the 90's I had a pair of shoes where the heal was made of cork (cork? Norwegian : kork), and I bet that's how he walked on that water. OR! He might just have lived up north where it's freezing and we get this thing called ICE -that you can actually walk on! Anyway... that's beside the point.

My point was -will praying help on his/hers very stressful morning. Because even though I do believe there was this dude called Jesus, I don't believe that talking out loud in thin air will actually CHANGE anything that will happen to you that day. Trust me, I tried a couple of times -massive fail. My better half (hey, who said he was better btw....) does not believe in faith or destiny, I however have this feeling that some things might happen for a reason. Although that is hard to explain when I am so into the whole "praying doesn't help change things"-thing. I just think you can't ask for things to happen, and you can't plan for things to happen, things just randomly happen by themselves, without anyone DECIDING it. Call it faith, call it lucky, call it God, whatever you want to call it -as long as it makes you happy.

Now that is where my other(!) half completely disagrees. When he thinks something, or have an opinion of something, because he read it somewhere (and it is a well known fact, and or is proven scientifically) he thinks that anyone who believes otherwise are dumb/stupid/clueless. He is not the type of guy to call you stupid, he is not the kind of guy that thinks most people are idiots either, he just simply believes that what he knows, because he has the facts to prove it -is correct. Sadly, most of the times he is right. The best way to illustrate this is a girl doing Squats at the Gym the other day. She was doing REAL squats, BUT, she was in the smith machine. So I come home bragging about myself for complimenting this girl on her squats, and he goes "but you shouldn't have said that because she is doing them wrong". I said that she was doing them fairly correct, as compared to ALL THE OTHER people who either half-squat, or squat with their knees pointing forwards (shrug), she was doing a pretty decent job. "No, not as long as she was doing them in the smith machine".

(proper squat)

Men! And their stubborn, if maybe correct, opinions... Annoying, but back to the praying. I think that praying is a form of meditation or comfort. Because you are talking to someone, or something that you believe will help you and guide you through life. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to pray, but I do think it is unlikely that praying to this guy/girl called God will change your, or anyone else's future. I think that asking for someone to get healthy and for the world to take care of your family is a good thing -but I don't think that it will save them in the end... It might be sad, it might be cynical and not very godly, but it is my honest opinion. Praying will however make you feel calm, it will make you relax and it will make you be able to empty your heart out to this non-existing person and hopefully calm the storms within...

Sorry if I upset you, but hey, you are allowed to think otherwise! (I will still respect you, because as long as people can respect my opinion, I can respect theirs -That's the God I pray to)
XO
M

Home

2010-10-03T19:16:00.004+02:00

I've traveled up north to 1. the place I went to HS, and 2. where my parents live. Just arrived at parents house. It felt good being in HS-city, seeing some of the girls I went to school with (+kids), my godson and my friends daughter who has already made it to five years old... woah, time just flies by, and it's the age of the kids that makes you realize how old you have gotten. When we were driving home today we made a pit stop by my aunt who's had her second baby, and my little cousin who is 2 years. I haven't seen her since may, but she wasn't shy at all, and seemed overjoyed that I was visiting. Normally she just hangs with my parents because she knows them but not me as much, so GO me, for being the cool one this time.

sitting in my old kitchen makes me realize how much I miss this place. It's weird being 26, not having lived in your own house since you were 17 (well, technically I was 16 when I moved out, but since my birthday is in sept I was 17 about two weeks later). It's been nine years since I woke up in the mornings and my mom drove me to school, it's been Narvik, Kristiansand, Tromsoe, Oslo, Tromsoe and back to Oslo again since then. A university degree, several men (haha), and jobs later I am merely a guest in my own home.

This house still holds so much of my old stuff, and every time I am in this house I go in to the basement storage room to look at my old stuff. I don't have the heart to throw anything out, but at the same time I have way too much stuff just stored here, that I most likely will never get any use of. I would take a picture but I can't, because my camera has been lost since new years... It sucks -as I was hoping my parents would have located it by now -sad truth that they haven't.. I don't know what to do with myself, as I do not wish to BUY a new one because it is truly not FAIR that it is gone without even being two years old or something. Yes, I am annoyed, yes I can't stop talking about it -SORRY....

Arghhhhh! Bringing the anger in to the next paragraph might be rude, but still, AARRRGHHHHH. I have a week left of my vacation, lord knows what I am going to do with all this spare time. There are probably a gazillion things I COULD do, especially with the already mentioned STUFF that could use a good old beating /cleaning. However, going through my old stuff, not being able to bring too much of it down to our apartment anyway is pretty useless... isn't it? I could go hiking in the mountains -seeing as the scenery just now is just INCREDIBLE. The colors up north is something you can only experience, fall just blows up in your face like nothing else up here -orange, red, yellow, brown as far as the eye can see. If you are a teensy bit lucky, you'll find a green spot here or there too! The sun has been out the last couple of days, which of course brings a smile to anyones face, living right now is pretty much awesome (cept for stupid camera).

I will try to post more pictars though, I mean, I could always just use googleimages anyway! OR find some old junky pictures you haven't seen before -I mean, who would know the difference. If I was going to have real fun I could scan some of my teenage pictures and you can all have a laugh of how young I was back in the days... (haha, as if my 26 year old self is that OLD right now, maybe not).

Watch out for more blog posts, as vacationing might be pretty boring after a while. :)
xo
M

I love you

2010-09-21T00:00:00.005+02:00

I love that it's midnight and you brought feta-cheese in to bed, so we can eat it even though we really should be sleeping. I love how you come to bed when me, even when you don't want to, because it is so comfortable having you next to me when I fall asleep. I love how you are always warm, whilst I am always cold, and you can warm my body up even though it's minus out and I think I will never be able to reach normal body temperature. I love how you hold me when I feel bad and need a hug, and how you can make me smile just by being next to me. I love how you make me feel, even though a lot of times I am angrier at you than I've ever been at anyone else. I love it when you do the dishes that I didn't ask you to do, or when you buy something good to eat and cook it for me because let's face it -you are the better chef. I love the way romantic songs can make me feel this way, because it must mean that I do want to be with you, even though you drive me crazy at times. I love how you bought be Global Agenda, and that you keep playing it with me, even though I'm not as good at it as you. I love waking up next to you in bed, even though one of us is always grumpy, and the other one gets to stay in bed for longer. I love how I can close my eyes now, and cuddle up against your side -and hopefully fall asleep because you are warm, and cozy, and right there with me..

<3
M

Nighttime...

2010-09-20T01:09:00.005+02:00

It's one o'clock and pretty much time to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just kind of can't... not just yet, it's so nice reading about other peoples lives, seeing how their weekend has been, seeing what they have done when I have been gaming all weekend (hehe).

I realize my latest blog entry was a bit hard on myself. And after Martine commented on the blog, and Heidi commented to me on fb-chat, I realize that yes, I am downplaying myself - a whole lot actually. I really shouldn't. What I have accomplished in life is pretty huge. I never had a bad life, I never hurt myself physically, but I've had some emotional struggles throughout my life anyway. Not knowing my biological father has hurt me more than I think anyone could know. Just for the record, I don't blame my mom, because it has nothing to do with her, it's got all to do with him..and his choice not to be in my life (well, until that day in November when he decided to contact me on fb).

I've struggled with ana, all the way up until that day when my boyfriend decided to take one extra try at this tric he wanted to do (a 360 on slalom skis, the first skiing day of the season). Turned out that was a bad idea, and he ended up not making another jump for the rest of his life... I promised myself that day I would not go back to ana, and even though I have had a few days where I really haven't felt like eating, I still have, and I've been good for about 5 years now -an accomplishment in itself. I've been on anti-depressants (when I was 18), I've been in different types of therapy for different things... but I've realized it's not for me. The pills I was on for about a year, the therapies for longer.

I have decided talking to my friends, writing on my blog, and crying whenever I feel like it (well, mainly to poor boyfriend), is what I need right now, I don't want someone who don't know me to hear about my life, my emotions and thoughts... (well, except you, reading this blog that doesn't know me). I think remembering to take my vitamin D/A supplements, and my omega-3 will make me be in a pretty decent mood throughout the winter. Also, living down south, compared to up north really does make a difference for my mental health... that's just the way things are, sorry guys, not coming back up there just yet :)

My eyes are too sleepy now.. Will try to post some more PICTURES on this goddamn place... just want to find my Ixus first... (been lost for a while)
have a good one
xo
M

Daily life

2010-09-16T09:26:00.003+02:00

Not much goes on in my life. Yesterday was the first day since (well, what feels like) forever boyfriend went to bed BEFORE I did. Imagine that! Reason? He went to bed at 3.30 the night before and still have to get up to go to work early in the morning. I have started work at 7.45 every day this week, and I know a lot of people do that on a regular basis, I however, do not, so it feels exhausting.

It seems everyone is getting married these days. Now don't get me wrong, I don't MIND that people are getting married, it just makes me feel a bit "old" and not as "settled" as everyone else. But then again, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, what connects you is not that piece of paper... However ever since I met boyfriend, and we talked about it like a year back, when he stated "you should get married before moving in together" (made me tremble in fear), I have thought, hmm.. maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing. But suddenly, boyfriend decides that marriage isn't that important, and being "samboere" is really enough. What did that lead to? Me being upset of course! (God, I'm such a WOMAN). Because finally when I have gotten to terms with the fact that maybe I have to "commit" in form of marriage (not to a priest however), then suddenly he is all "no it doesn't matter". Annoyed girlfriend right here!

To me marriage is not having to walk down the isle (we are both pretty much atheist/agnostic), or having a big expensive party that we can't (well, theoretically we could -who am I kidding) afford. To me it would just be about having a ring on my finger, and I don't really know if that's right either. When I was younger I used to believe that there was no point in commiting to eachother like that, now I'm conflicted by my desires to "own" someone else, and my old thougths on "I don't need anyone to be my husband ever". He is the one that made me have these thoughts in the first place, what right does he have to take them away! Muhaha. My plan was always to get married when I was 60, that way the likelyhood of it lasting "for a lifetime" was better :)

Anyway, enough about marriage. I am still pondering on whether or not to buy myself a 5500nok camera. I don't really know what I would take pictures of to be honest, but I want one so I have the oportunities to take good pictures. It is way more fun to take pictures when you have a proper camera then when you don't. And I have kind of lost my other camera, I haven't had it since last summer when we were in the US.. Sucks ass... I wonder where it is so badly.. Will look when I am at home at my parents place...

Ok, my blog is really boring, I know..but I live a boring life.
How are you?
xo
M

Norwegian vs English

2010-09-11T20:30:00.004+02:00

Been trying to find new blogs to read, and mainly they all seem to be in Norwegian. Don't get me wrong, I don't really have any big problems with reading Norwegian as I am one. I've actually noticed I sometimes prefer reading stuff in Norwegian as it makes me think less about what I am reading. That being said, English is a far better language for describing a bigger array of emotions, and it is also my preferred language to write in, when I write.
It seems like every time I try to write anything in Norwegian it ends up being short-lived, as I can't seem to describe my day, my feelings or my life as well in Norwegian as I can in English.
At the same time when I read all these blogs in Norwegian, and I find all these wonderful girls posting about their day to day life thinking -would they read my blog if they found it, even if it is in english? I find it pretty impressive that a lot of people post about their every day struggles, about their eating disorders, their depressions and anxiety without being scared that someone they know will read their innermost feelings. Well, I shouldn't say that, what do I know about what they feel -but you catch my point. They are not hiding from who they are, KUDOS.

It seems every time I try to describe how I feel about my previous experiences it all ends up in a ramble of non-sense and not much to read. Maybe that's just how I feel though. I'm happy I've come as far as I have. I never injured myself (well, except for the odd overheated shower to try to feel anything back in 05), I only had some eating problems a couple of.... well, more than a couple of times, but all in all -right now, in this moment, I only have small issues to deal with on a day to day basis. Like -who will empty the dishwasher and the clothes rack, or who will make dinner. Btw, those things are not just small things, because some times they make me cry, because I don't want to be the person who does it every single time. Yes, it might be MY need to have a clean apartment, but it is still OUR stuff... know what I mean?

Ah well... won't be too crazy about it, I'm pretty much good whatever I do, and one must always have a few down-hours during a day, to make up for all the good ones. Some times I feel like I don't have a life, because I never go out and do stuff with my friends. Not that I have a lot of friends either, or that I necessarily WANT to do anything.. because you know what, I really enjoy my time in front of my computer, sitting next to my boyfriend doing whatever... Especially after an eight hour work day. And come weeends I'm not much of a party person, and I like just staying in relaxing, as work-week means being active all day, just sitting in doing nothing makes me pretty happy... ah well... Hope you -my friend reading this, understands, I love you all, I just suck as socializing.

xo
MCurrently drooling on this little thing... Didn't want anyone (boyfriend) to buy it for me for my birthday, but now I might have to buy it myself...

Faith

2010-09-09T14:32:00.003+02:00

People have so much faith, or is it believe you say? I think it's faith in english (pardon my french, or ahem...english). Anyway. Ever since I got an offer about this job -everyone has been telling me to go for it. Then I decided not to go for it and I posted it all over my blog and on facebook... Then the regional manager made me change my mind (uææ... I still don't know if I made the right choice). And everyone was either very happy for me, or very sad because I'm quitting my current job.

Yesterday we were out with old colleagues, and my boss told me that if I had aimed for one of the jobs in the city I would have been up there competing for them. I don't think so however. I got the impression that the only reason they could put me in this job is because they were struggling to find people who would take it. Not that that is a very nice reason for getting a job in the first place, but at the same time, taking over and hopefully changing something noone else wanted to believe in is pretty cool don't ya think?

Being out last night made me realize that whoever I talk to believes that this is the right decision, and that I will be a good manager/boss. They are all proud of me and believe in me so much it makes me kind of scared I will fail and disappoint everyone... Boyfriend says I should just accept and appreciate that everyone believe in me so much and wish me all the best. But as usual I have massive problems accepting that I might be good at something.. Especially since I've always been told the oposite by my fellow kids at school when I was really young. It's hard for me to realize what's going to happen in two months, as it seem so far ahead in the future... I talked to the boss over there and everyone was very excited (in lack of a better word) about me coming over, but I don't mean in the way that they know who I am, but in the way that they are wondering who I am!

Uææ.. I really need to get out there and present myself, but will not be able to do it the next two weeks because of different situations within this pharmacy. In addition to that, I should do it on a Tuesday since that is when I normally start my job at noon anyway, so I have a bit of time. I should talk to the regional manager about this, but then again contacting him again makes it all so real :P ha ha

I'm a whack job, I know
40 mins left of work, SO boring on Thursdays, hardly anything to do!
xo
M

took it anyway

2010-08-25T18:48:00.001+02:00

what the hells is wrong with me, Suddenly I have a new job... Probably starting first of december. How will this end...?
stay tuned.

M

Not taking it

2010-08-24T20:27:00.003+02:00

I've decided not to take the job. It's too much stress, both getting there and back, and the thought of taking over the pharmacy at this point. I would love to manage a pharmacy, but not this one, and not at this time. I am sure my regional manager will try to persuade me. But it's not about the money, or just about the travel time, it's about what I had been planning for the next 8 months of my life. It's about not wanting to move closer to aker brygge to take the boat, or out to the peninsula where the Pharmacy is anyway.

I'm still curious on who will be my new boss, and what will happen there. But hey, maybe in a while, there will be a possibility that I can take over another pharmacy within a year or two. I don't know what we want to do, I don't know if we want to buy a house or not within a year. I don't know whats going to happen, and taking the job would lock me down more than it would let me go in terms of freedom. I like my apartment, I like my job -although it may be boring at times. Argh... talking about it makes me wonder if I am doing the right decision, but choosing to take the job is making me more stressed out than not taking it, and I think that gives away my answer right then and there. There is no rush to become apothecary.. it can wait 2-4 years if it must.

How are you?

xoxo

Job opportunities

2010-08-22T19:50:00.005+02:00

So they want to give me a job. Now they don't want to give me the job I applied for (I think It's because they can't trick their way around the system in that job). I have yet to make a list of pro's and con's.... My gut feeling said no, now it says what the F am I supposed to do...?
Here's the situation. The pharmacy in question is out on a peninsula, it will take me 1h to get to work (at least) and back home again of course. It has problems because of it's terrible location and will be moving in to a bigger location come summer of 2011. However, it would still require a whole 8-9 months of waiting for that to happen. The staff most likely has an avg age that is way above mine, and I wasn't really counting on getting a job that involved leadership at this point (Except if it was MY pharmacy).

Things to concider: Travel time to work, who will I work with, and who will I work with if I chose not to take this job. I will be getting a new boss anyway, and whoever knows who that will be? Not me. I will know tuesday however.. If I take job offer I will get a significant raise -is it worth is just for a raise? I don't think it is... This weekend I've gone from yes to no to no to yes to no again... Now I am on the verge of going insane, thinking that hey, I don't know who I am getting in here as boss over me from 1st of November, so I might as well leave the pharmacy and go somewhere else.. The things is though, I don't want that somewhere else to be the actual pharmacy they want to put me in. I'd rather wait, so what if I don't get along with my new boss, I can always just go to work, be happy with my tech-co-worker that I adore, and enjoy all my great coustomers. I am darn good at my job, and I would make a good boss, just not right now -not right there.

In other news, me and boyfriend have been playing the crap out of Global Agenda this weekend -as that was all he wanted for his birthday. I'm happy he is a simple guy, who only has one wish for his birthday -me gaming with him. He does want a Lego-Castle too, and seeing as I don't know anything else to get him, I might as well get him that too. It is around 180 USD though (1000NOK), and definetly a weird ass thing to get a guy for his 28th birthday -but again, he has no other desires, thereby -why not? I was thinking about going to ToysR'Us to see if I can find it on sale, but honestly it is just too much work getting out there just to look for a freaking lego set. So what if it's 100NOK cheaper, it's not going to be on half off anyway.

Picture of mentioned castle

Have a good day everyone, I will be keeping my mind-thinking/numbing thoughts throughout the day, so if you happen to have any tips on how to make a decision (yes I will make a pro/con list)

-Please let me know!

Have a good one

xoxo

Depression

2010-08-14T23:25:00.007+02:00

Watching the last episode of OTH. Or what I thought was the last episode but apparently there's another season. In this one Haley is depressed because her mom died.. Inger, an old friend of mine, posted on facebook and her blog today that one of her friends, or acquaintance had died today. It seems like there's a lot of depression or sadness going around today. So I decided to write a post about it.

It's always sad when people pass away, and there is no words, no emotions that are big enough to describe the feeling you feel when someone you know dies, let alone when someone you LOVE dies. Been there, done that. Sounds pretty harsh, yes I know. In the moment when people have died, there seems like nothing is right in the world, and that there is no reason for anything. It will never make sense, no matter how hard you try, someones death will never make sense. Whether they die in an accident, because of illness, or because of war.. (albeit we've had this discussion before Martine, let's not get into it).

After a while it dawns on you that it wasn't a nightmare, that the people you thought were invinsible, or the people you can't believe are gone are actually exactly that -gone. But gone seems like such a harsh word, and to be honest -and this sounds tacky, but people aren't gone. If they aren't in our hearts (since our hearts are basically just a blood-pump) they are in our minds, and in our minds, even if you try, people are hardly ever forgotten. I mean how often haven't you tried to forget someone who hurt you, or some customer who is just ridiculously rude.

Depression in some cases are a matter of the mind(heart), in these cases the good old phrase that you don't believe in the moment is that time heals all wounds. Sometimes these wounds are opened again... Like the day that someone you know says as a comment, I hope I won't be that laim when someone I care for die -and you realize, and say, that's not really something you decide, that's just something that happens... Even though it is five years ago, even though most of the hurt and the pain is gone, the memories remain, and can hit you in an instant.

In other moments depression is all the moments that you've had in your life... All the people who have tried to put you down, all the people who left you behind and just didn't care anymore. The people who were never there and hurt you because of it. Bad people that really can't bug you anymore, because, guess what, they are gone. They are not in your life for a reason, so again, no reason to be depressed over that! Time, and distance(?) heals wounds too.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense. Depression doesn't make sense however. And I must admit, I have been depressed for a substantial amount of my life. There was the time when I was 15, when I had an eating disorder and fainted in school because of it. There is this time after I moved away from home to get away from the people who always bothered me -and then my boyfriend and I broke it off and I was all alone (or it felt like I was all alone) and felt bad over it. Then there was a year at college, where I was being honest about who I was, and people didn't accept me for who I was. Then there was university, realizing I got over previously mentioned boyfriend, who was actually quite liberating.. but then there was the death of my at the time boyfriend, which kinda sucked. At that exact time, I was trying to find the courage to contact my biodad, which turns out, contacted me last year in Nov/Dec on FB (old story). Then there was the dealing of that, a broken friendship after a year or so, and then finally, finding someone to love again who wasn't complicated and depressed himself. Then, there was the whole biodad issue that finally got resolved before summer.

For once in my life, I feel good about myself. Yes, I have some pounds to loose. Yes, I haven't gotten in touch with my half brother, the son of my biodad that I have met once. I don't feel like dealing with it, I don't feel like dealing with meeting biodad again right now, but at least I have met him -once. I feel like my job is OK -not perfect, but OK. I've asked for a raise, I'm getting a new boss, and to be honest one of my co-workers is driving me insane, but then again, that's probably what its like at any job. My personal life is good, my boyfriend and I am doing good. We're getting used to living together, after a year of trying :P Who said relationships and living together was easy? Ok, so it's not that bad, but it does take some getting used to another person who has their ways, compared to your (maybe a teensy bit anal) obsessive ways.

I'm good. I'm happy, I can for once, in several years (however sad that might sound) say that I am not depressed. And it feels freaking fantastic...

Again, sorry if this post doesn't make sense, you are always welcome to ask me about it.

M

Quote: "It's just a hill -let's climb it together"

Cleaning (and baking!)

2010-08-14T19:13:00.003+02:00

Having Tine and Trine over for coffee tomorrow, and seeing that my boss brought cake in to work the other day, I decided to make the same cake for tomorrow. So here goes, look at this calorie-killer:

6 eggs
9 dl (!) of sugar -stir these until they become airy and in Norwegian is known as "eggedosis"
mix the following dries:
4,5 dl of wheat-flour
12 table spoons of cocoa powder
2 table spoons of vanilla sugar
then use
375 g of butter - melt and let cool a bit

Miks in the dries and the butter a bit at a time into the egg/sugar mix.
Finally, chop 1 cup of almonds and stir into the batter before putting it in a baking dish (I used a rectangular one, maybe 20cmx30cm?)

Bake in the oven (I used the lower part of the oven so it wouldn't burn on top) at 150 degrees celcius for about 50 minutes, the middle part is supposed to stay a teeeeensy bit raw, although I had to cook it for 1 hour 5 min and it wasn't on mine, it was still delicious! (pic will be posted when I find my camera cord)

Right now manning up to cleaning the rest of the apartment, starting with the bedroom. I stripped the bed of our sheets and are planning to clean under the bed before I put them back on. Meaning if I am to clean the bedroom I kind of have to do it today, as I do need to put on sheets to sleep there tonight (although Pete wouldn't care if I didn't). The hallway just needs some light vacuuming, and the livingroom some small de-cluttering. Actually I want to de-clutter this whole place, as I know I have plenty of stuff in the kitchen I don't even use, and I have plenty of stuff in my wardrobe that is just taking up space too. We'll see, one way or the other things will look better as time passes on.

Guess maybe a glass of white wine will do the trick to give me some energy? The weather is just so inviting for white wine.. :)
Have a good saturday everyone
xoxo
M

Annoyances in life

2010-08-11T18:15:00.007+02:00

On the way to work today I kept thinking about all the small things in life that are annoying. Ok, maybe not the most uplifting of thoughts, but still. First of all, the tram was packed.. and even though people are only going down town, and could potentially take the next tram that leaves in three minutes, most people prefer taking the one that arrives then and there... So people end up leaning on each other and jamming themselves close to the doors. It's the same on the way home, on the bus -people jam themselves on, even though there is no space. This leads to the bus driver not being able to close the doors, and me not coming home when I am supposed to come home.

I get it though, I do get it... You don't wanna wait for a bus or a tram that's supposed to be next but that is most likely late, and or equally as full. It's just, people rubbing up against me with either their a. Ass, or b. stomach, really doesn't feel too great at 8.30 am in the morning. I also get late for work because the tram is delayed, which is also annoying. Luckily, there's other people at work, and this will also only last until in a week and a half when our normal opening hours start again. But still... stop rubbing up against me.. (I'm so happy whenever I get the window seat... so pleasing it's not even funny).

Another, more important annoyance however... Cigarette butts -seriously they are EVERYWHERE! I saw this guy smoking his cigarette on the way to a cab this morning, and he just threw it behind him like it was the most comm

on thing to do ever.... to just throw it at the ground like the ground is a pile of trash... and then I looked around and turns out, guess what, IT IS! Argh.. Wouldn't this sign be appropriate?

I guess I won't get my way on cigarette butts, but if you do smoke, would you mind NOT throwing it on the ground, is it really THAT hard to find somewhere to put it that doesn't make a mess of the world around you? Just saying

xoxo

August

2010-08-05T12:15:00.004+02:00

So whaddaya know, it's august already and the "biggest" part of summer is over. 3 weeks in the US flew by, although I must admit walking in to my own apartment, and sleeping in my own bed was fantabulous. It's been a looong two first weeks at work, but it's finally paying off as I have friday completely to my own disposal. Have to love being a pharmacist when you have an agreement to have every fourth friday off (iiiha). Also gotta love the fact that I have 5 weeks of paid vacation, and that I have the most awesome boss that gives me time off extra too (but mainly because I've worked overtime) and that I will thereby have had like 6 weeks of vacation instead in the grand year of 2010. Too bad he is quitting 1st of November to take over another pharmacy...

This weekend we are celebrating my uncles 40th birthday by having a big bash out on the farm. it will be good seeing my family again, and seeing the kids. They have been nagging my aunt to come over and stay at mine and boyfriends place for a while now (or the smallest cousin has) - no wonder, we are the cool cousins to hang with as we have a ton of videogames and don't really care if they play them all day. We also have rings in our living room which makes for great gymnast fun too! I mean, who wouldn't want to visit us and have a sleepover?

I've come to realize my blog is mainly about myself. I'm not the kind of person who has a lot to say about the community, about politics, about how you should live your life. Basically I just don't know what to write about it, and I am not very interessted in politics or a certain way of living either. I've talked about weightlifting and crossfit at times, and also about how to eat right. Now how to eat right is a very hard thing to discuss. First of all, we are all different, and have different lives and different needs. I sure wish I could make myself some good salads and eat that for breakfast lunch and dinner, but turns out, I suck at planning ahead. I also suck at eating, as often I don't feel like eating, but my body keeps telling me I should. This leads to me eating crappy instead of healthy, making me feel more crappy because the sugar and maltodextrin+++ gives me an insulinspike that quickly disappeares... Seriously, being with my boyfriend has changed my view on alot of things, especially food. Turns out, knowing better isn't always a good enough reason to do what you should be knowing better.

However! Yesterday we went all out and got brownies at 20.50. Ten minutes before the store closed we put our shoes on and RAN to the store to make it so that we could have cake. Ace of cakes is a really bad show to watch if you have a bit of a sweet-tooth. They do make awesome cakes though! I've also really enjoyed cupcake-wars on TLC. Really funny show where four contestants compete to make the ultimate cup-cakes for some event.

I'm yabbering again. TTYL
xoxo
M

Phew

2010-07-29T11:05:00.002+02:00

Chrisis overted (is that the correct word? it sounds a bit weird inside my little head). I got my cousin working with me today and yesterday, and will borrow an employee from another pharmacy tomorrow. On Saturday I have a student coming in too, I was supposed to work alone, but I don't wanna stay here for five hours all by myself. First of all, it's ridiculously boring, second it's not the safest thing in the world in CASE anything were to happen.

Anyway... I've been feeling bad about work lately, and it makes me sad because going into this job I was sure I had found the job of my dreams. With my boss quitting, and all the other situations we have around here, I am no longer sure I feel the same way.
We are looking into buying a house, and as we all know buying a house in Oslo is basically out of the question. The house prices in a city are in general insane, wherever you go in the world. Concidering moving out to where my aunt lives, which means an hour fifteen minutes with the train for boyfriend to get to work. If he could remote in to work, or even have a home office day or two it would be even better, but who knows if that's even a possibility..

I feel like my life is in Limbo (like i probably mentioned), and even though I feel like all my friends are living or travelling abroad, I still feel good about staying in Norway. Staying here might be the safe bet, but staying here also means making sure we use all the great benefits socialist Norway has to offer.

The gym has not seen the looks of me since beginning of June. It feels horrible, but at the same time I really don't feel like going back. My weight is stuck on the same weight it's been at for a year. Even though I have built more muscles so my distribution has changed. I have to make a meal plan, and I know I have been talking about it for what, about six months now, but it's really hard for me to do. Being obsessive about food is not good for me, and not being obsessive about it is making me crazy too.

Guess I need to work a bit -waiting for one of our good coustomers to walk in the door.
xo
M

SYTYCD

2010-07-28T20:31:00.003+02:00

Watching so you think you can dance and Cat Deeley is seriously HOT. That woman is TAAAALL. She has the longest legs I've ever seen, although they are always stuck in a pretty nice shiny pair of heels. Whoa, just needed to say that.

Alex is out in this episode, and I am dreading to look online to see if he is cut now. Haha, I can't believe how dedicated I get into TV-shows. Don't even get me started on the season finale of Greys Anatomy... OMFG. I have so many favourites on So you think you can dance though, I don't even know where to start! I mean, they can't all win, and with Alex out this week (the one I had decided was my favourite), I have no idea. Well, right now it is Josè, the B-boy turned contemporary today! (or 4th of July weekend really, but still).

Work this week is... challenging. I am the boss of the pharmacy, currently managing noone but myself! funfunfun :) Can't say more about it, ah well, at least I have someone with me so that I can pee and also get food -yay for food. I'm not eating enough in the evenings because I quite frankly forget. Turns out right now we don't even have any food in the house. Well that was clever now wasn't it..

Ah well, to unfocused to blooooogg... Guess I'll have to make an omelette or something.
xo
M

Back to life again

2010-07-25T21:54:00.003+02:00

The rain outside my window seems to have calmed down again. It's grey everywhere, but apparently the sun will come back tomorrow. We'll see. For some weird reason I've been moody today. I don't really know why. I worry alot. I guess I have always been sort of a worrier. I wish I wasn't, trust me, I don't like pining in my thoughts and being emotional because of every twisted little thing. However - I am.

I think my biggest problem is I don't know how to accept that I should be happy. I have everything I need in the world. I have a great job, I have good friends (although scattered all over the world), I have the most amazing man I could ever have, but can I just accept everything and be happy? No I can't. I think there's something "wrong" with me. I think all those years of being told I was ugly and sweatty and discusting have finally caught up with me, and it's holding me down so badly. Why can't I just get over it, when I KNOW what's wrong, why can't I just push those bad feelings away and embrace all the good ones?

I want to try. I just had to write it out a bit. Yes, this is a public blog, yes, this is showing you some of the weird stuff going on inside my head. But hey, is that always a bad thing?

I have to figure out what to eat for the next few weeks. Main goal, less carbs and sugars, and more meat and vegetables.. and most importantly of all, enough calories to keep me going.

hope you are all well
xoxo
M

Hobby much...

2010-07-23T21:44:00.004+02:00

So I disconnected the TV before vacation. Reason? Norwegian NRK takes 1600 kr per 6 months for TV-license. So far (three days of jetlag) it has worked out pretty good. Although it means I have watched several (6) episodes of Greys anatomy, four of CupCakeWars and a couple of Ace of Cakes on my computer lately. Obsess much? Boyfriend has built one of his lego castles... Now I want one too because I was jealous of him building his...

I'm looking at landlords beads and think maybe I should do something there. I remember looing at Julies gorgeous earrings her mom made her, and concidering to make some myself. Going to Michaels in RI freaked me out a bit though, because I am not crafty woman, I am more handy woman. Like today, when I had to call up a gazillion people for fixing the electricity thing. I felt like I was on the phone forever. And even though some man came and helped me, I knew what to do about it. The thing is if I do it myself insurance won't matter if I'm "wrong".

I find myself getting bored of doing nothing, of just watching stuff on my computer. But when you think of it, watching stuff on my computer is no different than watching TV, and I spend less time doing it on my computer than I would TV, so basically it should make me happier. I should have more time to do other stuff, but what is this other stuff that I want to make time for? Really? Not much to be honest! :) I'm not crafty woman, I am handy woman.

Assuming going into lifting will be a good thing, and make my mind be set into another matter. I am going to try to do both lifting and crossfit after a while. Have to get back into workouts first. It's really hard. I'm still jetlagging, and I don't want to be. I wish I could just get off the plane and NOT be jetlagged. I wish jetlagged could go away... GO AWAY JETLAGGED.... :(

*grumpy*
Enjoy
xoxo
M

Stomach ache and electrical problems

2010-07-23T13:36:00.004+02:00

I had too much strawberries with milk and cream...I don't know if it was the half bad strawberries or if it was the cream, but my stomach isn't feeling too good.

I had to close the pharmacy at noon today. The electricity had been out for three hours (alarm system still up and running though, good thing). I am going back to the pharmacy in a couple of hours to make sure everything is still up and running, PLUS figure out if we can open tomorrow or not. Five is when we are supposed to CLOSE today anyway, so there better be NOone waiting for me ('cept for one person who already called). It's funny, this is my boss second day of vacation, and already everything is a mess -isn't that typical, first one bad things happen and then the next.

Waiting for your cellphone to charge is pretty boring :P It's all I'm doing right now, since I have to be able to recieve calls from customers needing their meds. I ordered tickets to go home to see my family in sept/oct, this means I will NOT be going to Turkey to visit Ronja this year.. It sucks, and I am really sad about it.. But I really can't manage another vacation before october, and also the flights would be an extra 2 hours down there... Not that the bustrip from Evenes is less than 2 hours, but atleast I'm not leaving the country.

I've been travelling alot this year. First it was Fuerteventura in January, then I went up to Indre Troms to help out with a kickboxing event. After that I went to Rome with work during first of may weekend, before going 3 weeks to America with Pete this last 3 weeks. Antoher trip abroad is just too much for this year, and even though I am probably using all my hours and holiday-days this first week of October, I don't think we would have had the oportunity to go home for Christmas anyway. I have no idea how to break that to my mom, but I guess I have to do it one way or another.

I mean, is it very wrong of me to go home a week in October where I know I have the time, rather than hope I can find cheap tickets to go for a stressful five days in December... Nah, I don't really think so... I will have about ten days at home instead of mentioned five, PLUS there is no stress of christmas foods or meeting family for holiday dinners and or coffee+cake. All in all, good decision. Just wish Peter could come too.

xoxo
M

Hot hot hot

2010-07-07T01:16:00.003+02:00

Not much going on these days. The weather is ridiculously hot. It's closing in on 100 degrees in the shade, meaning that its about 34 degrees celcius, IN THE SHADE. PHEW. We keep hiding out upstairs in the airconditioned room. It's fantastic, but it isn't 100% fantastic either, it just seems like its too hot for the AC to handle. ah well.

The sun is setting and the heat will hopefully become tolerable. We are going out for some food in a little while. Oh god, I just realized I turned into one of the 14-18year old bloggers who mention every little thing they do during the day. Ha ha.

We've been here for over a week already and I really do feel we aren't doing much. But then again, isn't that what vacationing should be all about? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like just sitting here is not enough, that I ought to be doing something -but I really don't feel like it.

The Americans are discussing politics, how the system works and how President Obama is doing. The general response from this camp -not very good. I dunno, I actually don't know anything about this. I also do not know much about Norwegian politics. Frankly, I really haven't cared much. However, maybe I should. Maybe I should get more into it, read up in it, and join the discussion. We live in the safest country in the world. One of the countries with the safest economy, and with the lowest amount of crime per capita... How I know this? Mainly because my boyfriend tells me.I feel like I should read up on things, but really I don't know where to start. There is so much I would like to know more about, not necessarily politics, but food, excersize, life in general...

ah well... maybe I have to make my new hobby reading up on things so I can be a smarter person... or that doesn't sound right, a more informed person? blah, I dunno.

xoxo

of course

2010-06-29T16:18:00.004+02:00

...war is a bad thing. My last post might have been kind of awkwardly written. It was written in affection and in sorrow so please forgive my kind of weird way of saying things. Just wanted to point that out. I am in fact Norwegian, Norwegians are in general against war and yes, our defence is called our national defence for a reason. Sadly however, fact is that war IS going on, and people, sivilians and army are getting killed, and that is sad.

To add to the fact it made me think of dead boyfriend too. Ah well, to be a bit politically uncorrect (more politically uncorrect) about it all, we all are still alive, and we will be fine. It sure doesn't feel like it for the people left behind right now, but it is, as I have experienced a fact. I remember the worst part of the days after the death was that the world just seemed to move further, and I felt like I just stood still watching it move. It sucked ass..

Again, Rest in Peace Simen and your fellow soldiers -you will all be missed.

xo
M
(In random chain of events american TV just had a political thing about the fact that the Afghan war is the longest war in american history (atleast on forein soil maybe?? -I'm no history student).

R.I.P.

2010-06-28T16:47:00.003+02:00

Four Norwegian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today. One of them was one of my favourite freshmans when I was a senior in High School. Rest in Peace Simen, you will never be forgotten.

My vacation got off to a bit of a rocky start with this message -although that is nothing compared to the pain and hurt and devastation his family and loved ones feel (and the three others). I had to write this, war is a hard thing to decide whether is good or bad... But whatever lives war takes, it always hurts for someone.

All my love and sympathy to the families and friends of our soldiers.
xo
M

Friendships and boyfriends (and alcohol too)

2010-06-22T19:05:00.004+02:00

Warning, If you are one of my friends, and you do read my blog, either you can choose to be offended, you can choose not to read this post, or you can choose to just not put too much into things like this, as it is in fact a blog -and blogs are mainly about ranting.

I've never been a girl with a lot of friends. I've never been a girl with alot of female friends first of all, nor did I ever have a lot of boyfriends/boy-friends. Some of my boy friends, turned out to be either into being my boyfriend, or they found some girl who weren't interessted in them having a girl friend, so they basically just fell out of my life. Not that I mind, if you aren't man enough to keep your friendships after you join a relationship, then screw you -you have to learn to man up.
I will admit to the fact that if my boyfriend had a girlfriend he talked to more than he talked with me, and even hung out with more than he was around me, then yes -I would mind. My boyfriend however doesn't believe in jealousy, and if I did become jealous, that would be my problem -not his. Fair enough really, although it would pose a problem for our relationship. Good thing it's not an issue -at least not at the present time.

I just came to think of the fact that I don't really have that many close friends -and I don't see my friends very often. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. First of all, when you are no longer a student, you are no longer around alot of the people that you used to call friends. If I have to be honest with you, only one, or maybe two of the people I went to school with are my actual friends. I have a lot of aquaintances, and I have a lot of people I "know" -but friends? I wouldn't quite say that we are, no. It's ok that I meet these people every now and again, it's also ok that we have a coffee or do a BBQ in a park somewhere -it's just that, I feel like whenever we meet and casually talk, I remember and realize why we are not friends, and that we really don't have that much in common. And do you know what that is? It's JUST FINE.

We were forced to hang out, because we went to school together. Ok, so we picked the same studies. Picking the same degree means you should probably have some stuff in common, some sort of shared interest you would be able to talk about, and yes, we do. Besides that however, there isn't that much else that matches. I'm a nerdy computer girl who don't mind using the computer as my entertainmentcenter. I don't like going out and getting wasted, I choose not to do so because I don't feel like it, not because I'm trying to be boring. That's another thing btw, why are you always stamped as boring just because you'd rather stay in and watch a good movie instead of getting wasted at an overpriced bar? I never got drunk beyond belief, I never really "got" the whole drinking your brains out... I just, don't. Does it make me less interessting? I hate having hangovers, and after the last time I went out with work, I've had a headache for a week and a half because of shoulder/neck pains. This goes to show, alcohol + me = bad.

I'm lucky, I'm with someone who understands that, and who loves me for who I am. I've gotten new friends who also don't nag me about "oh but why aren't you drinking", and instead just accept that I want to have water for the rest of the evening instead of hangover-red-wine. I don't like beer, I detest drinks unless they are made by a professional, and even then, they bore me after a while because they are too sweet or too something.

Anyway.. back to the friendships. I've seen people come and go, alot actually -and haven't we all. I'm glad I've come to a point in life where I get to pick my friends, and my school doesn't get to pick them for me. I'm SO happy I don't have to be a part of a "group" that I don't really belong into, but I try anyway just because they feel like they have to invite me in. I'm glad all the lunches are over, all the heartaches are over, and that all the mean people in my life has gone their own ways. Some of them are probably not mean people, but we just didn't get along, which is as mentioned already, F-I-N-E.

This post turned out a bit different than I thought it would. Ah well, I write whatever pops into my head, and I don't edit. so here ya go.
xoxo
M

Not quite afterall.

2010-06-21T16:59:00.004+02:00

I'm bored, waiting for P to finish work. He should be done any minute, but are working on something so I assume it will take a bit longer than expected. We're going to the park for a birthday celebration, I bet I will go insane not being able to go to the bathroom (haha, ain't my blog interessting to read?). The weather is fantabulous, I think it should have been this way this weekend too, but ah well, guess I'll have to make the most of it. I don't start work until noon tomorrow, and 11 the next day, so some morning sunshine will do me good.

Payroll ppl f'ed up my paycheck this month, so I got about 10k less than expected. That sucked ass, but I should be getting some more tomorrow. I won't get double (which was half expected), but I mean, with the tax money I'm getting back I should be pretty good for the summer. It's now only 6 days for departure america, yayayayayyaa... Can you tell I'm excited to go?
What I'm more excited about than anything is just to enjoy time with P without having to plan on it. Weekends just seem to fly by, and even though I don't mind weekends indoor with TV and or computers in addition to lunch and workouts with good friends, they just run out too quickly. Atleast when we are in the US it's easier to just take a drive somewhere to visit someone and not just sit indoor even if the weather is crap.

I want to find some new websites to read on. Even though I should read on marksdailyapple and more of the crossfit, paleo etc sites that I already read on. I dunno, sometimes I just find it hard to sit down and read alot, and it doesn't feel like the information I read get into my head, it just kinda stays out there on the outside.. (hihi, that sounded weird...makes sense in my head though). If you have any good ones let me know though, I could always use some more information.

One of the new students are kinda... odd.. First of all she corrected me when I told a customer that after a certain time, say ten years, a patent runs out and other drug companies are allowed to make the same drug. Now ok, tbf, I don't remember how long a patent runs, but that was beyond the point. She corrected me by phrasing it @mee: I think you said something WRONG. ok? You said that patents run out after 10 years, its actually 20...
I must admit I became a bit offended, it was her second day and she was corrected me. To be fair, she is probably (very likely) correct, but the point wasn't to have a class on patent law for the customer, but to tell her that after a certain amount of time things change.
So, today, I showed the student this awesome site where some guys (maybe girls, I dunno, whatever) have listed all supplements and put them in a bubble chart. The bubblechart displays the evidence for the supplements, along with their suggested diseases to prevent&or aid. All in all there is a "worth it" line that tells you if the supplements evidence basis is good enough to actually be worth taking it or not. Anyway, new student then says, ha ha, well look at the sitename, alot of those sites are just bullshit according to some of our teachers..

I'm like, ok hon, but you see this chart is based on alot of studies, looked up through PubMed (and actually cochrane too, although cochrane isnt the best source for material always) and have very well documented stuff... ARGH! Why does she think that I, as a professional, would show her a site where the information was taken out of the blue?? ARGH! Yes, I am overreacting, but she was/is being annoying at several other things and sometimes, its just not what I need right there and then... And also I'm superready for vaca...

cya
xoxo
M

Blogstop.com

2010-06-20T21:28:00.004+02:00

Hey

Not much to write these days -thereby, no blogging. It's weird really. I've had Martine over for two weeks, it feels like no time at all. Time fly by when you have work and busy lives with all the stuff going on around it. Synne came to Oslo a few days ago, and now she took over the relay-stick (it is the proper word for it, but I like "stafettpinne" better) and is currently occupying my sofa. Good times.

Summer has fallen down from the skies, yayyy!! It's sunny and warm and you never have to wear a jacket. Now I must admit -Peter has been wearing no jacket forever. In one little week we will be on our way to America and we will have a three week long vacation with no worries but what to eat, which surely can't be a problem in that country. We are going to try and squeeze in time with as many people as possible, and even make it for a week up north to see our good friends in Montreal.

I find myself content with the way things are right now. I know there are still issues to be resolved with my dad. I know there are still alot of heartache to go through, but I just don't feel like doing that right now. I love my man, I love my life, but since I didn't get the job, I am opening up my options for moving, either within or out from the country. There's no day like today, and no moment like the present. -Which I just proved by shoving my face full of "small-candy" (another good norwegian word, smågodt), alot of Pistasjio ice-cream and three whole wheat buns... NOMNOM. Oh Oslo thou art dangerous, there is too short of a distance between the deli-delucas and the 7elevens.

cyas all later, can't promise any blogging for some weeks, maybe I will, maybe I won't.
xoxo
M

Friends -and about getting older

2010-05-28T21:34:00.005+02:00

So as you all know by now, I've had issues all my life. Basically in primary school everyone got teased by this girl, well, alot of us anyway... who by the end of primary school kinda stopped, but still -it had all begun. In secondary school (12-15) I was bullied by all the boys -oh what a great life. I fainted in school because I hadn't eaten for days/weeks and finally had to talk to a nurse about it. I don't know how much my mom knows, we've never really talked about it. It's not because I have a bad relationship with my mom, it's because I find it hard to talk to the people I love about the things that are closest to my heart (it should be oposite, yes).

After the first year of high school I finally left my hometown and moved to the city where my biodad is from. Imagine that. I am also born there for that matter... but anyway. I had a boyfriend there at the time, so it was the most logical place to follow highschool the last two years. In Narvik everything changed, I got friends, real friends, people who cared about me and didn't leave.. Now don't get me wrong, in secondary school (ungdomsskolen) I had Tine and Siri, and to this day we are still in touch.. I won't be overexadurating when I say they were my only friends back then -although Janne was also a part of my sociallife back when.

After that I had a brief year in Kristiansand, then went to Tromsø for pharmacy studies. I never felt I fit in with my Pharmacy co-students. Although, by the third year I felt I had found some people I could trust. After finishing my masters however, things changed, and the person I thought was my best friend kind of turned on me in the beginning of the year, making me feel very sad and depressed about it all... Ah well.

Long story kinda short, now I'm back in Oslo. Although Martine and Andreas have moved to Canada, and there's been a few tears on that, they are still good friends of ours. I miss them, I will always miss them, but hey, they are living in Canada and we will get to visit them and have a blast. Cassandra is one of my new aquaintances ever since I moved down here, and I would actually admit to saying she is pretty much 80% of all my social life outside of work/gym. Torbjørn is always around (well almost) for saturday gym and turkish -and I bet we could have seen more of him, but as we are, he's probably busy during the week. We stay in touch via SMS though, which is good. Then there's the funcommies who are always fun to hang out with -although I must admit my knowledge of GUI's is rather horrible.

All in all, what I wanted to say was - I feel like my life is getting better on the friends side. These people are not bullshit people who act one way and feel another. They say what they think, they do what they want, and don't worry about what everyone else thinks. They are good people, and I love and adore them all in their own little way. Thank you everyone, for making my life a whole lot better.

Now, people change, and friendships change -there's no guarantee all of these people will still be in my life in a year. But right now, I appreciate where we all are in life, and just wanted to blog a bit about how I feel like my life quality has increased by 200% (or more) just because I'm finally out of Uni, and can choose who my friends are, and who the people around me are every day - I love being an "adult".

About biodad -no news, other than I have to find some way to meet him soon. Going mentally insane not knowing, and it's like ripping off a bandaid, it might hurt, but needs to be done. The wound needs air to heal -just do it.

Ice-coffee delievered!

2010-05-12T18:24:00.004+02:00

Hey!

Just a short update. I just did 3 rounds in 7 minutes of 10 HPC's and 20 situps (anchored). It was probably not supposed to be HPC's, but they didn't have an 11 kg bar at Spektrum (they don't, I knew from before) they had 20kg, and I chose to do HPC's instead of proper cleans. Anyway, not too happy with only 3 rounds, but then again, I'm not a big dawg, I'm a puppy, and in some cases a buttercup. I warmed up with my usual 1k row (haha, usual, I've done it twice). Improved my time with 3 seconds, so now my time is 4 min 30,6s. Working my way down! I cashed out with 10 jumping smith machine pullups (really managing to hold myself on the way down now). And 3x10 HSPU with my feet on a bench, well, feet, I had my thighs on it, right above my knees (gotta start somewhere).

But to the topic, Cass brought me a icelatte at work today! She came by the pharmacy randomly and gave me an ice coffee! Oh thank you so much, you made my day and made me feel so incredibly special! <3<3<3 Three hearts for you for being so awesome. I will hang out with you, when we have time.. hehe :) Busy lives. Luckily the pharmacy was not very busy at the time so we managed to chit chat a bit while I had my coffee... Ice coffee.... NOMNOMNOM!

Cooking bacon in bacon (meaning pork wrapped in bacon), waiting for Pete to hurry home after BJJ to eat and run through the shower before going to the movies. I have a feeling we will be late (ah well). Iron man 2 starts at 20:45, and we need to get our tickets from the machine first. Should leave the house around 20.15 to get there on time and all (most likely will be leaving later, I know my man... hmm.)

TTYL
xoxo
M

Lately

2010-05-10T08:57:00.005+02:00

I've been really busy.. Last weekend it was Rome with work, which was really cool. this weekend there was Simens confirmation -also very nice and "family time" which is always good. Although, when going back I really understood how much travelling alone sucks.. Noone to keep you company, noone to talk to, noone to hang out with. I bored myself to death.. When I got home I was exhausted, tired, and felt like an idiot because...

...well first of all, when travelling from Gardemoen I decided to take the local NSB train to save 95kr (as the airport express is more expensive, but IS faster). I thereby got into Oslo S about 20 mins later than if I had chosen the Airport Express... fair enough, I did save 90kr, it was just 23.15 already and I was dead tired. I get off the train, walk towards the tram and a junkie girl (probably my age) tries to stop me for a favour, I say I don't have time and hurry off -feeling kinda bad but.... As I walk out the doors of Oslo Central, the 12 tram is about to leave the stop, I try to make it but I don't... I walk over to the 11 tram, thinking ok, five minutes to 54 bus, five minutes to 11 tram, the tram is normally quicker.. err, WRONG! I see the 54 bus go by two minutes later...

Then, the 17 tram arrives at the same time as the 11 tram, meaning the 11 tram stops right behind it. And instead of doing the normal "wait for first tram to leave", he opens the doors in front and lets people out. This leading to people getting ON it aswell, meaning I have to walk with my suitcases to the front door of the tram. Seeing as I have TWO f***ing suitcases I struggle getting them ON the tram, and I can feel peoples eyes as I am delaying the tram from leaving (being stuck in the narrow doorway). I finally sit down and the tram goes forward, and STOPS on the stupid stop again, which means -as I thought, but didn't dare believe, that I could have waited for the stupid tram to stop again... When I arrive at the stop at home, I manage to get my suitcases out but smash them into the ground as I didn't take down the handles before carrying them off.. -again, feeling like an Idiot.

In addition to that I was trying to contact boyfriend to get him to meet me at tram stop... seeing at it was 23.40 and I wanted company on the short -but long way home... Of course his cell was without power.. this all led to me having a mental breakdown as I walked in the door, crying my eyes out because I was so tired... -silly? Yes definetly, but did I do it anyway? Yes

Sorry for boring you with my sappy boring life, needed to vent.
Really don't wanna go to the gym today.. slept about 5,5 hours and just wanna go home and snuggle in some blankets on the sofa... :( Hopefully will go anyway, project "getting better with food and excersize" starts now.. feeling way to crappy about myself not to..

xoxo
M

Edit: Todays WOD is "Barbie" (modified from "Barbara"), the temptation of doing it at home is big, as it involves pull-ups, push-ups, situps and squats..

Sixpacks and BJ's

2010-04-26T21:49:00.004+02:00

So for some weird reason I just made a bet with boyfriend, or more, an agreement. If he gets a six pack, I'll give him BJ's. Ah well, luckily I still have a bit of time to get used to the idea, as the six pack is currently hiding out (so is my own). Ha ha, I know this is a public blog, please do not be offended, it was so funny I could not help myself to blog on it.

In other news we've been to the gym again, I did todays WOD (3 Squats for load and 10dips four rounds for time). I did 40kg squats. Time was 8 minutes 13,5 seconds. The first round the gravithingy I do the dips on was not ready, so I had to set it up. Which made me spend about a minute trying to figure the damn thing out. I felt like an idiot, even though I have done it before!!!! ARGH, so annoying.. ah well, I bet that messup wouldn't have made my time too high, probably around 6 minutes.

Tomorrow its hang power cleans and burpees. NOT looking forward to the burpees. Ah well. I'm going to try to do the WOD in the morning, since I don't start work until 12 am. I have a delivery at a dentist office to do too first, so a bit of travelling before any work :) Ah well! I am for once not getting my back rubbed on a tuesday. Nor any other day this weekend. Maybe next tuesday, if they still have an opening for me if I call them monday afternoon... Or maybe I should call them before leaving... hmm.. (ok, sorry, rambling on).

Going to Rome with work this friday, next friday up north and home for a confirmation
Busy life

xoxo
M