Pain

I don't know what's going on these days. I won't even try to explain why I don't blog any more. Maybe I just have no need to, maybe my constant texting with a (relatively) new friend makes me get all my worries out ? I don't know. I just know I'm not inspired to write... Because there are so many others out there doing it for me. So many others writing the funny texts I wish I wrote. So many writing the emotional, hurtful things I wish I could write. And so the days go by, and I don't write..

The other day I was riding the tram, and I saw that "Extremely loud and incredibly close" was out on BluRay.... I decided to give it a shot. You'll need some back story to understand this. The book this movie is based on was the book I finished reading 8 months after I lost my boyfriend. It was the book that got me to move forward in life after he had died. It was kind of the book that brought me back to life.

It's odd, this book is so, STRANGE... it's so odd half of the time I was wondering what the hell this book was.. But I got through it, and with it I got through my pain somehow... It felt easier afterwards. I remember I finished reading it at a loft in Turkey, where we were on a 2 day stay from vacationing in Greece. The other day I started watching the movie but could only finish 40% of it. To be honest I can understand why people don't like it. It's about as odd as the book, only when it comes to movies you can't make your own story or images in your head. You don't get the same explanations and you don't understand the story in the same way when there's images on a screen. I started crying when I had reached that 40% and I couldn't finish.. I won't finish for a while, I need time to digest this... I still miss him, it's been almost eight years since he died and it still hurts... Insane amounts of hurt, shards of pain trough my heart, and my head everytime I think of him...

So the reason why I am writing this blogpost. I have no choice... Yesterday I read this, and I can't get it out of my head. What hit me the hardest was that suddenly a friends name showed up in the text.. Simen, this kid that was a year under me in high school. He was the goofy kid everyone loved. I remember when we were seniors and "Russ" we used to joke around with him all the time. He kind of became our mascot, this small boy, all skin and bones. Apparently that changed.

27th of June 2010 - I came to the US the night before. I turn my computer on at 6am in the morning and see Simens face staring back at me... Him and three others have been killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. I can't believe it, I just stare blankly at the monitor in front of me. My boyfriend asks "whats wrong?" and the tears just stream down my face.. I can't believe this kid, this boy I used to have fun with and joke around with is GONE.... gone... I didn't even know he was a soldier.

I hadn't talked to him in 7 years. After I finished high school I moved away and didn't really think about it. The people you move away from are just there, back "home"... You never really think that one day you will open the newspaper and see their face -annoucing that they died..

I've been crying on and off since yesterday too. It just feels so unfair that young people just die, for no reason...(I know it was a war, it still feels useless). I'm happy he was rewarded the Armed Forces Medal for Heroic Deeds after his death.. but it doesn't help... He's still gone, like the others.. I do find some comfort however, in the fact that he saved someones life... He was a hero, the ones you read about in stories. And I will forever remember him that way.

Rest in Peace
Xoxo
M