When I am sad

I get sad -it's just the way things are.

When I am sad, and I tell you why I am sad I don't really appreciate the "There's something wrong with you"-direction.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. I have recovered from an eating disorder, I've been eating for the past 7 years.

6 years 11 months ago I lost the love of my life to death, which made me remember that all things in life are precious, and you should take care of what you have.

27 years ago my dad decided in one way or another not to have contact with me. If it was guilt from his parents, if it was he being sick for a while, or if it was him being a jerk -or a combination of all of the above it made me who I am. I am insecure, I have problems trusting people, I have problems seeing myself as worth anything but dirt. But I try.

I have talked to nurses, to drs, to psychiatrists and psychologists and different therapists about this. I know what is wrong with me, I know all my quirks, I know my problems.. I get sad sometimes.. I get sad when winter is coming, and when the darkness surrounds us. I have these problems, this is me...

I wish it wasn't like that, but it is not going to go away. And in all honesty the last thing I need is when my best friend and lover tells me there is something wrong with me. Because I know. I know you are tired of me being depressed, but I am. I am not going to medicate myself again, I don't like being on medication, and I really don't think I need it. Sometimes life just feels like its going against me, and I feel sad and down and dark. All I really need is for someone to listen. I know it is hard, I know it is a lot of work -and I respect if it is too hard to handle.

Just know that all I need most times is a hug -not to tell me that there's something wrong.

I love you, with all my heart.

M