Six years ago...

...my then boyfriend went to go skiing, and never came back.

Even though he is not on my mind much anymore, I still feel the need to mention it. The odd thing about it is that it was the same day as today, a Monday evening. I remember I hadn't heard from him all afternoon/evening before I got the call around ten that he had been in an accident and was in the hospital. After a while I found out he would be sent to my city for further scans -little did I know that by that time he was probably already dead... The likelyhood that he was dead from the moment he hit the ground is pretty big. Then again one never knows, what if he was rushed to one of the biggest hospitals in an instant, would he be here today?

I don't think you can think that way though. People who are gone are truly gone, and no "what ifs" will ever change that. Tomorrow will just be yet another day. Today I didn't even think about it until I saw his mom on facebook.

About facebook.. me and a friend talked about that as her brother just got ripped away in an accident. We talked about how his profile is still up, and what you do with those things after people die. I mean, I don't have my password written on anything, and noone else has access to my email, my phone, or my facebook account. Apparently you can either keep the profile open, make it in to a memorial site or close it down completely. It's a hard decision, and I think me and my friend agreed to disagree on the matter... All I can say is, I'm glad I didn't have to make that choice for my boyfriend at the time (probably would not have been my choice anyway, but still). Electronic traces of people are weird like that.. who decides to delete them? Maybe we should start including them in our wills? But then again, who aged 23 (or younger, or older without kids) ever makes a will if they don't have a job that requires it ?

Ah well. You are still in my heart honey - always will be.
Love you
M

Nighttime...

It's one o'clock and pretty much time to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just kind of can't... not just yet, it's so nice reading about other peoples lives, seeing how their weekend has been, seeing what they have done when I have been gaming all weekend (hehe).

I realize my latest blog entry was a bit hard on myself. And after Martine commented on the blog, and Heidi commented to me on fb-chat, I realize that yes, I am downplaying myself - a whole lot actually. I really shouldn't. What I have accomplished in life is pretty huge. I never had a bad life, I never hurt myself physically, but I've had some emotional struggles throughout my life anyway. Not knowing my biological father has hurt me more than I think anyone could know. Just for the record, I don't blame my mom, because it has nothing to do with her, it's got all to do with him..and his choice not to be in my life (well, until that day in November when he decided to contact me on fb).

I've struggled with ana, all the way up until that day when my boyfriend decided to take one extra try at this tric he wanted to do (a 360 on slalom skis, the first skiing day of the season). Turned out that was a bad idea, and he ended up not making another jump for the rest of his life... I promised myself that day I would not go back to ana, and even though I have had a few days where I really haven't felt like eating, I still have, and I've been good for about 5 years now -an accomplishment in itself. I've been on anti-depressants (when I was 18), I've been in different types of therapy for different things... but I've realized it's not for me. The pills I was on for about a year, the therapies for longer.

I have decided talking to my friends, writing on my blog, and crying whenever I feel like it (well, mainly to poor boyfriend), is what I need right now, I don't want someone who don't know me to hear about my life, my emotions and thoughts... (well, except you, reading this blog that doesn't know me). I think remembering to take my vitamin D/A supplements, and my omega-3 will make me be in a pretty decent mood throughout the winter. Also, living down south, compared to up north really does make a difference for my mental health... that's just the way things are, sorry guys, not coming back up there just yet :)

My eyes are too sleepy now.. Will try to post some more PICTURES on this goddamn place... just want to find my Ixus first... (been lost for a while)
have a good one
xo
M

Depression

Watching the last episode of OTH. Or what I thought was the last episode but apparently there's another season. In this one Haley is depressed because her mom died.. Inger, an old friend of mine, posted on facebook and her blog today that one of her friends, or acquaintance had died today. It seems like there's a lot of depression or sadness going around today. So I decided to write a post about it.

It's always sad when people pass away, and there is no words, no emotions that are big enough to describe the feeling you feel when someone you know dies, let alone when someone you LOVE dies. Been there, done that. Sounds pretty harsh, yes I know. In the moment when people have died, there seems like nothing is right in the world, and that there is no reason for anything. It will never make sense, no matter how hard you try, someones death will never make sense. Whether they die in an accident, because of illness, or because of war.. (albeit we've had this discussion before Martine, let's not get into it).

After a while it dawns on you that it wasn't a nightmare, that the people you thought were invinsible, or the people you can't believe are gone are actually exactly that -gone. But gone seems like such a harsh word, and to be honest -and this sounds tacky, but people aren't gone. If they aren't in our hearts (since our hearts are basically just a blood-pump) they are in our minds, and in our minds, even if you try, people are hardly ever forgotten. I mean how often haven't you tried to forget someone who hurt you, or some customer who is just ridiculously rude.

Depression in some cases are a matter of the mind(heart), in these cases the good old phrase that you don't believe in the moment is that time heals all wounds. Sometimes these wounds are opened again... Like the day that someone you know says as a comment, I hope I won't be that laim when someone I care for die -and you realize, and say, that's not really something you decide, that's just something that happens... Even though it is five years ago, even though most of the hurt and the pain is gone, the memories remain, and can hit you in an instant.

In other moments depression is all the moments that you've had in your life... All the people who have tried to put you down, all the people who left you behind and just didn't care anymore. The people who were never there and hurt you because of it. Bad people that really can't bug you anymore, because, guess what, they are gone. They are not in your life for a reason, so again, no reason to be depressed over that! Time, and distance(?) heals wounds too.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense. Depression doesn't make sense however. And I must admit, I have been depressed for a substantial amount of my life. There was the time when I was 15, when I had an eating disorder and fainted in school because of it. There is this time after I moved away from home to get away from the people who always bothered me -and then my boyfriend and I broke it off and I was all alone (or it felt like I was all alone) and felt bad over it. Then there was a year at college, where I was being honest about who I was, and people didn't accept me for who I was. Then there was university, realizing I got over previously mentioned boyfriend, who was actually quite liberating.. but then there was the death of my at the time boyfriend, which kinda sucked. At that exact time, I was trying to find the courage to contact my biodad, which turns out, contacted me last year in Nov/Dec on FB (old story). Then there was the dealing of that, a broken friendship after a year or so, and then finally, finding someone to love again who wasn't complicated and depressed himself. Then, there was the whole biodad issue that finally got resolved before summer.

For once in my life, I feel good about myself. Yes, I have some pounds to loose. Yes, I haven't gotten in touch with my half brother, the son of my biodad that I have met once. I don't feel like dealing with it, I don't feel like dealing with meeting biodad again right now, but at least I have met him -once. I feel like my job is OK -not perfect, but OK. I've asked for a raise, I'm getting a new boss, and to be honest one of my co-workers is driving me insane, but then again, that's probably what its like at any job. My personal life is good, my boyfriend and I am doing good. We're getting used to living together, after a year of trying :P Who said relationships and living together was easy? Ok, so it's not that bad, but it does take some getting used to another person who has their ways, compared to your (maybe a teensy bit anal) obsessive ways.

I'm good. I'm happy, I can for once, in several years (however sad that might sound) say that I am not depressed. And it feels freaking fantastic...

Again, sorry if this post doesn't make sense, you are always welcome to ask me about it.

xo

M

Quote: "It's just a hill -let's climb it together"