hurt

what is hurt ? Is it cutting your finger whilst chopping vegetables ? Is it falling on your knees while running to catch the bus ? I don't know.. All I know is that sometimes, I hurt more than I think I deserve...

I know you need to appreciate the good in life, to make the most of it and not bury down in sorrow.. Sometimes though, just sometimes, it feels as if you are being eaten alive by some hurt-monster, trying to get you to feel as bad as he does. It's as if your insides are tearing apart, making room for some unknown silence and cold. Tears stream down your face, you can't control what's going on, and you just can't seem to stop it either.

Why does it have to be that way ? Why does things have to hurt so much? I know I said I wanted changes, but sometimes, just sometimes, can't things just remain the way they are ?

Who am I kidding, I know they can't, if things remained it would hurt for someone else -someone I love, who I don't want to hurt. I just have all these hopes and dreams, and when big changes comes along and shatter them to pieces -it just hurts. I don't know what to do, I just wish you could push bad thinking and all the bad clouds away so the sun would come through.. Why do I always dig this whole and put myself in it ? I'm better than that, I know better than that.

sometimes, just sometimes, things just hurt.

xo

M

Nighttime...

It's one o'clock and pretty much time to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just kind of can't... not just yet, it's so nice reading about other peoples lives, seeing how their weekend has been, seeing what they have done when I have been gaming all weekend (hehe).

I realize my latest blog entry was a bit hard on myself. And after Martine commented on the blog, and Heidi commented to me on fb-chat, I realize that yes, I am downplaying myself - a whole lot actually. I really shouldn't. What I have accomplished in life is pretty huge. I never had a bad life, I never hurt myself physically, but I've had some emotional struggles throughout my life anyway. Not knowing my biological father has hurt me more than I think anyone could know. Just for the record, I don't blame my mom, because it has nothing to do with her, it's got all to do with him..and his choice not to be in my life (well, until that day in November when he decided to contact me on fb).

I've struggled with ana, all the way up until that day when my boyfriend decided to take one extra try at this tric he wanted to do (a 360 on slalom skis, the first skiing day of the season). Turned out that was a bad idea, and he ended up not making another jump for the rest of his life... I promised myself that day I would not go back to ana, and even though I have had a few days where I really haven't felt like eating, I still have, and I've been good for about 5 years now -an accomplishment in itself. I've been on anti-depressants (when I was 18), I've been in different types of therapy for different things... but I've realized it's not for me. The pills I was on for about a year, the therapies for longer.

I have decided talking to my friends, writing on my blog, and crying whenever I feel like it (well, mainly to poor boyfriend), is what I need right now, I don't want someone who don't know me to hear about my life, my emotions and thoughts... (well, except you, reading this blog that doesn't know me). I think remembering to take my vitamin D/A supplements, and my omega-3 will make me be in a pretty decent mood throughout the winter. Also, living down south, compared to up north really does make a difference for my mental health... that's just the way things are, sorry guys, not coming back up there just yet :)

My eyes are too sleepy now.. Will try to post some more PICTURES on this goddamn place... just want to find my Ixus first... (been lost for a while)
have a good one
xo
M