Changes

Spring is here. We have just spent 10 days in the US on vacation. Vacation was good, although coming home was great too. Norway is so much calmer, so much "safer", so much more normal to me than the US will ever be. I miss our friends over there, and of course the family too... But sometimes I appreciate that it is just the two of us, in this city, all by ourselves -with no one to answer to.

With spring come changes. I have decided to leave my job, a decision I do not regret, although I will miss the money -and some of the people. If I could just build my own pharmacy, with my own people... that would be awesome -There are other dreams that are more important though. I will change jobs 1st of July, and it seems that the "new" pharmacy will be opened 15th of July -So I'm kind of sad to miss out on it. I guess you can't dwell on the past, but merely worry about the present (haha).

I feel moody these days. If it's because my period is supposed to come next week, if it's because I'm having some sort of spring depression, lord knows.. I'm just, sad.. Sad that I can't be happy. Sad that I can't make myself feel as great about myself as I should. Why is this ? I don't get it. Again I feel friendless and lonely, even though this current week I've had wine with two old friends, and one new. I've been to a birthday party, I've been invited to another, and there's always a new moose cap Friday around the corner. So why is this ? Why can't I be pleased with what I've got, and what it is that I really want? These questions haunt me, and I truly don't know the answer.... I'm sorry if anyone gets sad because of my writings, but it's the simple truth..

what's wrong with me ?

xoxo

M

Self Worth

I have problems valuing myself... I have as mentioned always been told I am not worth a lot, from my peers that is, not from say family or friends. Still, even though I really should toss all those comments away as I am adult and know better -I still feel like crap. The fact of the matter is I have a masters degree, I am managing a pharmacy, and I live in a pretty much stable relationship. I have succeeded in most of the stuff I have tried to accomplish, and still, I feel like there is some part of me missing -I always want to be better.

Fact of the matter is you don't have to be better -one should realize that how you are is perfectly good. Getting better is merely a bonus, not a necessity, and I have serious problems realizing that myself.

"Do I have a mental handicap?"

I bought myself a digital camera, and all I can think of now is that I DON'T know how to use it, and that I really should learn. So I surf the web and look at the forums to try to find out what I need to know. I find it hard -and then I get mad at myself for not being able to focus on something that really should matter to me -instead of picking it up at a later time when I might be focused enough to read it. Even after watching some videos online I still can't seem to make things stick to my brain when it comes to functionality and tips and tricks.. makes me wonder how I managed through five years of university and did pretty decently..

My biggest problem when it comes to believing in myself is in the matter of relationships with other human beings. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at friendships, and I'm bad at romantic relationships. My current one is my longest one running (2 years in case you wondered), I have a handful of friends I would call my real friends, and a gazillion acquaintances. First of all it's a matter of trust, I can't trust people to like the real me, which makes me this fake person no one likes -or at least that no one understands. Also I have this tendency to push away the people I care the most about -like boyfriends. I don't know what it is, I just don't feel like I deserve good things for some reason..

Stupid past memories, stupid past feelings and emotions and idiotic comments that stuck -who cares, I'm a grown up, successful woman at the beginning of a skyrocketing career -why shouldn't I feel good about myself ? Why shouldn't I deserve good things? Good friends, good lovers (haha, plural) and awesome acquaintances (ya'll are pretty awesome you know).
Sometimes -just sometimes, I wish I wasn't an adult.
xoxo
M

New year!

We've spent the new year watching ridiculous amounts of the big bang theory. I <3 that show! It is genious :) Well, maybe not genious, but it sure is fun and entertaining for those who find geeks funny. The worst part is I can recognise myself, and a lot of my old friends in the characters, not as a whole, but small parts of them. :) We have also been eating leftovers from new years dinner, which by the way was TDF! Mixing Peters excellent cooking skills, with Julies and mine, was a brilliant idea and turned new years dinner in to a massive feast of foods (and side dishes). Tonje gave the night an even better end with delicious warm blackberries and vanila ice cream for dessert. NOMNOMNOMMMMMM!



Today I have made pancakes, kind of american style, although not the shake mix kind -the from scratch kind. they turned out pretty awesome, however now my tummy hurts :P We also had to buy maple syrup, which in Norway is around 12 USD for a cup of maple syrup - yes, ridiculous expensive. Worth it? Oh absolutely!



I have decided not to have any new years resolutions this year. But as the current events, and my readback of blogposts (or, Martines readback of blogposts and comments I make about myself), I have decided that the least I can do for new years is to treat myself a bit better. I guess it is about time huh? I need to get better at telling myself when I've done something good, and stop kicking my own ass when I have done something that might not be too clever, but isn't the end of the world either!



I have concidered buying a Canon EOS camera, will reconcider it on friday when I might drop by fotovideo to talk to someone who actually knows something about cameras. I have also concidered buying a new phone for myself, and I am very tempted to go all out and just buy a smartphone... Not an Iphone though.... an HTC desire... when buying one though, I am sure I will somehow manage to drop it on the ground several times during the first week, thereby maybe smashing it to pieces. :P Ok, that was being mean to myself, but honestly, isn't that what everyone does at some point? Break their smartphones because smartphones really can't stand that much beating. Old Nokias on the other hand - very resilient phones! Again, I am torn between my wants for pretty things, and my ability to give myself something nice that actually costs a bit of money.



Ah well, should hit the shower and prepare for tomorrows work day.. Isn't it great when christmas comes on a friday and newyears too... :/

xoxo

M