Changes

Spring is here. We have just spent 10 days in the US on vacation. Vacation was good, although coming home was great too. Norway is so much calmer, so much "safer", so much more normal to me than the US will ever be. I miss our friends over there, and of course the family too... But sometimes I appreciate that it is just the two of us, in this city, all by ourselves -with no one to answer to.

With spring come changes. I have decided to leave my job, a decision I do not regret, although I will miss the money -and some of the people. If I could just build my own pharmacy, with my own people... that would be awesome -There are other dreams that are more important though. I will change jobs 1st of July, and it seems that the "new" pharmacy will be opened 15th of July -So I'm kind of sad to miss out on it. I guess you can't dwell on the past, but merely worry about the present (haha).

I feel moody these days. If it's because my period is supposed to come next week, if it's because I'm having some sort of spring depression, lord knows.. I'm just, sad.. Sad that I can't be happy. Sad that I can't make myself feel as great about myself as I should. Why is this ? I don't get it. Again I feel friendless and lonely, even though this current week I've had wine with two old friends, and one new. I've been to a birthday party, I've been invited to another, and there's always a new moose cap Friday around the corner. So why is this ? Why can't I be pleased with what I've got, and what it is that I really want? These questions haunt me, and I truly don't know the answer.... I'm sorry if anyone gets sad because of my writings, but it's the simple truth..

what's wrong with me ?

xoxo

M

Worrying

Did I mention I got a kindle ? It's all kinds of KOS. :D

...because of recent personal events, the possibility of me and my man moving to his hometown in the US have once again come up. I am worried... Worried because I wish we didn't have to make this decision, right after we have already planned to most likely stay back here for as long as possible. I can't say much about it, if you wanna know and you know me ask me about it, it's personal, but everything is ok for now.

In other news, look at the view from our house at night -pretty huh ? Work was tiresome today, assuming it will be equally as tiresome tomorrow as I have a lot to do with closing the month off accountant wise, plus having a lot to do with the institution deliveries too. Ah well, hard working life I guess. I can tell travelling back and forth is tearing on me, but at the same time I have four and/or five day work weeks, compared to others who work a hell of a lot more -I really should not complain. So what if I come home from work late, who cares, P isn't home, and food is not going to make it self. I NEED, NEED NEED to learn how to eat enough whilst at work, but it's hard, I kind of always squeeze food out of the equation when I'm stressed out. Thankfully I don't really deal much with the "back" where I work, and the more I am in the front, the less stressed out I am. My office looks like shit, haha, I have so many papers to sort, but nothing important really, and I know where everything is.

Again, enough about that. I am still bored online, I don't know why, I just seem to get annoyed from all the things I used to like reading about -maybe I have changed. Therefore I normally resend my facebook info and hope someone updated their status in to something interesting.. let me tell you, 99,99999% of the time, nothing happens -haha, my sad life for ya. My kindle is my new lover, and it is awesome. This morning I even forgot my morning radio show (mainly since I had forgotten my ipod at home, but never mind that).

I'm blabbering, shutting up now

xoxo

M

online boredom

Lately I've been sitting in front of my computer not knowing where to surf. In all honesty I'm pretty bored online, and I guess all the lowcarb/workout blogs, or to be honest, "I am trying to lose weight" posts out there have just gotten pretty boring to me. It seems like every woman on this planet is losing weight, and then my question is, how about loving yourself as you are for once? We don't all need to lose weight! And even though I understand all these girls, I find myself getting ANNOYED for some stupid reason.. I mean, honestly, you guys are all fine the way you are -please see that ?

todays dinner... nomm!!!!

I will admit, I am throwing rocks in my own little glass house here, in all fairness I have years and years of self-loathing to take from. I don't mean to sound.. well, mean, but I can see that obsessing over other people losing weight isn't really a great way of dealing with my own shit either. Silly.

Today I had a conversation with my boss (regional manager), I have gotten on track again with my job, although I still have struggles in my every day life at work, trying to find out what the F/H everyone is up to in the back. I have never understood those pharmacies that have people working in the far back, and never appearing in the front desk. Gue

ss what? It's in the front all the customers are, that's where you make the money and save your job.

I've come to realize that I have to take charge and steer in whichever direction I want to go. The sad part however is that it's not my dream job, it's not my dream pharmacy, and I want to have respect before I quit there -not very likely to happen. Also, we have something going on that might lead us to the US within the next six months if necessary... We hope we don't have to, but if we do, I will not let my non-dream-job stand in the way of us going somewhere.

anyway. I got myself some more toys :) A new schedule/planner, and Yngvild brought me a kindle from the US. WEEEEEheeeee, an e-book reader is exactly what I need on the dreaded way to work. It's tiny and cute and awesome, and I already downloaded a few books onto it. The pictures tell the story themselves now don't they!?

xoxo

M

noblog....

Hey

I'm sorry I haven't blogged lately.. I know there ain't a whole lot of you following my blog anyway, so the loss is at least smaller than if I was one of the top 100 of Norway blogs -hehe, unlikely.

Anyway, my last two posts have been about my anorectic self. Because even though I have been "good" for about six years now, my head is still not as good as it should be. I started working out last year, and even though I could see the effects on my body for a while, my weight remained the same. Now let's get one thing clear, it isn't always about weight. But with a BMI of 31 (severely obese), I really should start taking more care of myself. Fine, I do have a lot of muscle -but then again I haven't worked out in two months, thereby probably losing a lot of my muscle mass back in to fat tissue once more.

I took a week of vacation from work, it was well needed. My self-esteem issues make me feel small and alone being manager, and sometimes it's hard being lonely on top. I just have to clinch my teeth together and realize that I AM the manager, and I am there to make things work. I wish I could get an employee I could trust and I could mold in to what I want out of a tech/pharmacist... Although that is unlikely to happen -a girl can always dream.

Ten awesome girls have started a new motivational blog called motivated.blogg.no -I would recommend you to take a look if you read Norwegian, it's pretty cool. The point of the blog is to get inspired, and to understand that you CAN do it, if you are trying to lose weight or get a healthier lifestyle. It's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy and happy with who you are. Like we all should be! (myself included).

I am trying this time. When I get back home, there HAS to be some change. I'll be all Obama about it -CHANGE (or underwear, my friend works for the lingerie chain CHANGE, haha). I need to plan out my meals, I need to start moving a bit -my low energy levels are from not sleeping enough, but also from not moving around enough. I wan't to crossfit, but I will do my own version of it, since I am not a member of a gym these days. I'm going to go to mobech and get some weights, and even though our living room/kitchen really isn't that big, I want to use some of that area as my workout area.. my space, my rules.

Now this is a hope, a dream, but this time, I have to make it. I am miserable and I am ruining my life, and my relationship because of my misery. I can't live like this any more. If I want to have a future with my man, if I want to have a happy healthy future for me, and my possible kids -I am hoping this might be it. I have mucked around for way too long now, it's time for a change...

xoxo

M

Internet pt. 3. (it never ends)

So I've had this blog for some years now. I think I started my first blog when I was with previously-mentioned-boyfriend-that-it-took-me four-years-to-get-over. I've written the emotions that I've felt, I've written about break-ups and deaths. My previous eating disorder has also had a big part of my blog world, but lately I've mostly blogged about my nervousness about my new job, and the hardships that come with it.

Then the other day I got frightened. I've realized that the more I poke my nose around the more "famous" bloggers of Norway, the more the likelyhood of someone actually poking in to my blog might know/get to know who I am, and also know where and what I am talking about when it comes to work. Problem is, of course the blog is official, I could have hidden the posts where I mentioned my worries and or fears. I could have password locked the bits where I mentioned my concerns with my new job, and the problems that I am facing being 26 years old, managing people who are about twice my age. The problem is I don't want to... I don't want to hide from who I am, but maybe I should, especially if it gets personal?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly got frightened one of the bloggers I have started following might recognize where I work (since it really isn't that hard to recognize), and then maybe she knew someone who knows someone who works for me, and maybe those someones would read my blog and then everything would just be a big massive mess... (long sentence much?)
I make up these situations in my head that are truly bizarre, and there really is no reason why I should. Who cares? Who cares if someone who work for me reads about the challenges I face? Or have faced in the past. If I can't stand for my opinions or feelings, maybe I shouldn't blog about them? True... but fact of the matter is I've always kind of known who the visitors of my blog is, and thereby not have to worry about them telling anyone about it. It has more been a diary for myself, about myself, and nothing else.

Anyway, whoever you are reading this, just remember, this is where I put out my hardships and struggles. As do everyone else who write blogs (well, not everyone, but you catch my drift). Of course there's a lot of things I don't mention, and my work people really ain't THAT hard to work with :) It's just hard being the new girl. Besides, noone can argue that coming in at my age can be a challenge, as you don't get respected as much as someone who is twice your age and have lots and lots of experience..

Have a nice Sunday
xoxo
M

Weekend

So I started my new job wednesday, and one of my perks of having an hour commute to work, is that I have four day work weeks for 3 weeks, and then a five day one once every fourth (working saturday). That means I have Friday or Monday off every single week. Go me! Today I have gotten a massage from the guy at my dr.s office. I have visited my friend Christian at his job, and I have picked up the last of my remains from the other pharmacy where I used to work. Quitting my job and moving on to something else makes me think of when I quit Notabene to go over to Vitus and always went over to visit the Notabene girls. I just love my jobs (normally). I love my co-workers, and the coustomers (most of them), and I truly miss them once I'm gone.

Now I just can't wait until we get new locations, because when we do we can finally get some more work done when it comes to developing. For now we have to stay as we are, but we have to improve our service, and always put the coustomers first, and no talking to eachother when someone walks in the door. The most important thing in any store-principal is that you meet the coustomer where he/she is. Don't ignore him for more than 20seconds, then he automatically will think you are giving bad service. Even if it's just a hello, you don't have to jump over and attack them, but you can let them know you are there if they need you. Anyway, enough about work.

I'm still disappointed over my last panacotta experience, so I actually think I need to go make sure it doesn't happen again... That means trying out the old recipe and not using crappy vanila or big glasses... Who can blame me though; I just wanted to use big glasses to get MOOOOORE... nomnom. I have to make some food and then I need to go out again. Honestly I really have to shop for some christmas gifts. The other reason is that my mom has sent a package and I need to go pick it up at the post office. Sad part is that I probably won't be able to open the package anyway since it probably contains christmas gifts.. BUU! I want gifts now (lucky people who's birthdays are in December).

Christmas is a lot about swapping money, and I know it really shouldn't be. Don't we all know it? Still we stress around in December, shop our hearts out and speculate what to give away, and what we are going to get. There's barely ever I really truly need anything, and if I do need something I will go buy it -because I'm an adult, I have a job, and I make my own money. I wish I could do some hand-work... knitting, sowing, anything... glass painting? And I remember thinking about this in September, that yes, I can do that for christmas, it means first of all I won't spend too much money on gifts, and second, that I will give away something personal... Did I? NO I didn't.. Ah well, maybe next year?

What are you guys doing for christmas? And christmasgifts...?
xo
M

Daily life

Not much goes on in my life. Yesterday was the first day since (well, what feels like) forever boyfriend went to bed BEFORE I did. Imagine that! Reason? He went to bed at 3.30 the night before and still have to get up to go to work early in the morning. I have started work at 7.45 every day this week, and I know a lot of people do that on a regular basis, I however, do not, so it feels exhausting.

It seems everyone is getting married these days. Now don't get me wrong, I don't MIND that people are getting married, it just makes me feel a bit "old" and not as "settled" as everyone else. But then again, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, what connects you is not that piece of paper... However ever since I met boyfriend, and we talked about it like a year back, when he stated "you should get married before moving in together" (made me tremble in fear), I have thought, hmm.. maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing. But suddenly, boyfriend decides that marriage isn't that important, and being "samboere" is really enough. What did that lead to? Me being upset of course! (God, I'm such a WOMAN). Because finally when I have gotten to terms with the fact that maybe I have to "commit" in form of marriage (not to a priest however), then suddenly he is all "no it doesn't matter". Annoyed girlfriend right here!

To me marriage is not having to walk down the isle (we are both pretty much atheist/agnostic), or having a big expensive party that we can't (well, theoretically we could -who am I kidding) afford. To me it would just be about having a ring on my finger, and I don't really know if that's right either. When I was younger I used to believe that there was no point in commiting to eachother like that, now I'm conflicted by my desires to "own" someone else, and my old thougths on "I don't need anyone to be my husband ever". He is the one that made me have these thoughts in the first place, what right does he have to take them away! Muhaha. My plan was always to get married when I was 60, that way the likelyhood of it lasting "for a lifetime" was better :)

Anyway, enough about marriage. I am still pondering on whether or not to buy myself a 5500nok camera. I don't really know what I would take pictures of to be honest, but I want one so I have the oportunities to take good pictures. It is way more fun to take pictures when you have a proper camera then when you don't. And I have kind of lost my other camera, I haven't had it since last summer when we were in the US.. Sucks ass... I wonder where it is so badly.. Will look when I am at home at my parents place...

Ok, my blog is really boring, I know..but I live a boring life.
How are you?
xo
M