Randomness

So a lot of thoughts have rambled through my head today. First of all, someone posted on Facebook today "Pls pray 4 me today...already stressed out and it is only 9am!". Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am no religious person. Compared to my other half however, I'm a believer, as I can say that I do believe there was this dude named Jesus who made a pretty big deal out of himself back in the day. Or, all the other guys made a pretty big deal out of him. And in the 90's I had a pair of shoes where the heal was made of cork (cork? Norwegian : kork), and I bet that's how he walked on that water. OR! He might just have lived up north where it's freezing and we get this thing called ICE -that you can actually walk on! Anyway... that's beside the point.

My point was -will praying help on his/hers very stressful morning. Because even though I do believe there was this dude called Jesus, I don't believe that talking out loud in thin air will actually CHANGE anything that will happen to you that day. Trust me, I tried a couple of times -massive fail. My better half (hey, who said he was better btw....) does not believe in faith or destiny, I however have this feeling that some things might happen for a reason. Although that is hard to explain when I am so into the whole "praying doesn't help change things"-thing. I just think you can't ask for things to happen, and you can't plan for things to happen, things just randomly happen by themselves, without anyone DECIDING it. Call it faith, call it lucky, call it God, whatever you want to call it -as long as it makes you happy.

Now that is where my other(!) half completely disagrees. When he thinks something, or have an opinion of something, because he read it somewhere (and it is a well known fact, and or is proven scientifically) he thinks that anyone who believes otherwise are dumb/stupid/clueless. He is not the type of guy to call you stupid, he is not the kind of guy that thinks most people are idiots either, he just simply believes that what he knows, because he has the facts to prove it -is correct. Sadly, most of the times he is right. The best way to illustrate this is a girl doing Squats at the Gym the other day. She was doing REAL squats, BUT, she was in the smith machine. So I come home bragging about myself for complimenting this girl on her squats, and he goes "but you shouldn't have said that because she is doing them wrong". I said that she was doing them fairly correct, as compared to ALL THE OTHER people who either half-squat, or squat with their knees pointing forwards (shrug), she was doing a pretty decent job. "No, not as long as she was doing them in the smith machine".

(proper squat)

Men! And their stubborn, if maybe correct, opinions... Annoying, but back to the praying. I think that praying is a form of meditation or comfort. Because you are talking to someone, or something that you believe will help you and guide you through life. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to pray, but I do think it is unlikely that praying to this guy/girl called God will change your, or anyone else's future. I think that asking for someone to get healthy and for the world to take care of your family is a good thing -but I don't think that it will save them in the end... It might be sad, it might be cynical and not very godly, but it is my honest opinion. Praying will however make you feel calm, it will make you relax and it will make you be able to empty your heart out to this non-existing person and hopefully calm the storms within...

Sorry if I upset you, but hey, you are allowed to think otherwise! (I will still respect you, because as long as people can respect my opinion, I can respect theirs -That's the God I pray to)
XO
M

Home

I've traveled up north to 1. the place I went to HS, and 2. where my parents live. Just arrived at parents house. It felt good being in HS-city, seeing some of the girls I went to school with (+kids), my godson and my friends daughter who has already made it to five years old... woah, time just flies by, and it's the age of the kids that makes you realize how old you have gotten. When we were driving home today we made a pit stop by my aunt who's had her second baby, and my little cousin who is 2 years. I haven't seen her since may, but she wasn't shy at all, and seemed overjoyed that I was visiting. Normally she just hangs with my parents because she knows them but not me as much, so GO me, for being the cool one this time.

sitting in my old kitchen makes me realize how much I miss this place. It's weird being 26, not having lived in your own house since you were 17 (well, technically I was 16 when I moved out, but since my birthday is in sept I was 17 about two weeks later). It's been nine years since I woke up in the mornings and my mom drove me to school, it's been Narvik, Kristiansand, Tromsoe, Oslo, Tromsoe and back to Oslo again since then. A university degree, several men (haha), and jobs later I am merely a guest in my own home.

This house still holds so much of my old stuff, and every time I am in this house I go in to the basement storage room to look at my old stuff. I don't have the heart to throw anything out, but at the same time I have way too much stuff just stored here, that I most likely will never get any use of. I would take a picture but I can't, because my camera has been lost since new years... It sucks -as I was hoping my parents would have located it by now -sad truth that they haven't.. I don't know what to do with myself, as I do not wish to BUY a new one because it is truly not FAIR that it is gone without even being two years old or something. Yes, I am annoyed, yes I can't stop talking about it -SORRY....

Arghhhhh! Bringing the anger in to the next paragraph might be rude, but still, AARRRGHHHHH. I have a week left of my vacation, lord knows what I am going to do with all this spare time. There are probably a gazillion things I COULD do, especially with the already mentioned STUFF that could use a good old beating /cleaning. However, going through my old stuff, not being able to bring too much of it down to our apartment anyway is pretty useless... isn't it? I could go hiking in the mountains -seeing as the scenery just now is just INCREDIBLE. The colors up north is something you can only experience, fall just blows up in your face like nothing else up here -orange, red, yellow, brown as far as the eye can see. If you are a teensy bit lucky, you'll find a green spot here or there too! The sun has been out the last couple of days, which of course brings a smile to anyones face, living right now is pretty much awesome (cept for stupid camera).

I will try to post more pictars though, I mean, I could always just use googleimages anyway! OR find some old junky pictures you haven't seen before -I mean, who would know the difference. If I was going to have real fun I could scan some of my teenage pictures and you can all have a laugh of how young I was back in the days... (haha, as if my 26 year old self is that OLD right now, maybe not).


Watch out for more blog posts, as vacationing might be pretty boring after a while. :)
xo
M

I love you

I love that it's midnight and you brought feta-cheese in to bed, so we can eat it even though we really should be sleeping. I love how you come to bed when me, even when you don't want to, because it is so comfortable having you next to me when I fall asleep. I love how you are always warm, whilst I am always cold, and you can warm my body up even though it's minus out and I think I will never be able to reach normal body temperature. I love how you hold me when I feel bad and need a hug, and how you can make me smile just by being next to me. I love how you make me feel, even though a lot of times I am angrier at you than I've ever been at anyone else. I love it when you do the dishes that I didn't ask you to do, or when you buy something good to eat and cook it for me because let's face it -you are the better chef. I love the way romantic songs can make me feel this way, because it must mean that I do want to be with you, even though you drive me crazy at times. I love how you bought be Global Agenda, and that you keep playing it with me, even though I'm not as good at it as you. I love waking up next to you in bed, even though one of us is always grumpy, and the other one gets to stay in bed for longer. I love how I can close my eyes now, and cuddle up against your side -and hopefully fall asleep because you are warm, and cozy, and right there with me..

<3
M

Nighttime...

It's one o'clock and pretty much time to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just kind of can't... not just yet, it's so nice reading about other peoples lives, seeing how their weekend has been, seeing what they have done when I have been gaming all weekend (hehe).

I realize my latest blog entry was a bit hard on myself. And after Martine commented on the blog, and Heidi commented to me on fb-chat, I realize that yes, I am downplaying myself - a whole lot actually. I really shouldn't. What I have accomplished in life is pretty huge. I never had a bad life, I never hurt myself physically, but I've had some emotional struggles throughout my life anyway. Not knowing my biological father has hurt me more than I think anyone could know. Just for the record, I don't blame my mom, because it has nothing to do with her, it's got all to do with him..and his choice not to be in my life (well, until that day in November when he decided to contact me on fb).

I've struggled with ana, all the way up until that day when my boyfriend decided to take one extra try at this tric he wanted to do (a 360 on slalom skis, the first skiing day of the season). Turned out that was a bad idea, and he ended up not making another jump for the rest of his life... I promised myself that day I would not go back to ana, and even though I have had a few days where I really haven't felt like eating, I still have, and I've been good for about 5 years now -an accomplishment in itself. I've been on anti-depressants (when I was 18), I've been in different types of therapy for different things... but I've realized it's not for me. The pills I was on for about a year, the therapies for longer.

I have decided talking to my friends, writing on my blog, and crying whenever I feel like it (well, mainly to poor boyfriend), is what I need right now, I don't want someone who don't know me to hear about my life, my emotions and thoughts... (well, except you, reading this blog that doesn't know me). I think remembering to take my vitamin D/A supplements, and my omega-3 will make me be in a pretty decent mood throughout the winter. Also, living down south, compared to up north really does make a difference for my mental health... that's just the way things are, sorry guys, not coming back up there just yet :)

My eyes are too sleepy now.. Will try to post some more PICTURES on this goddamn place... just want to find my Ixus first... (been lost for a while)
have a good one
xo
M

Daily life

Not much goes on in my life. Yesterday was the first day since (well, what feels like) forever boyfriend went to bed BEFORE I did. Imagine that! Reason? He went to bed at 3.30 the night before and still have to get up to go to work early in the morning. I have started work at 7.45 every day this week, and I know a lot of people do that on a regular basis, I however, do not, so it feels exhausting.

It seems everyone is getting married these days. Now don't get me wrong, I don't MIND that people are getting married, it just makes me feel a bit "old" and not as "settled" as everyone else. But then again, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, what connects you is not that piece of paper... However ever since I met boyfriend, and we talked about it like a year back, when he stated "you should get married before moving in together" (made me tremble in fear), I have thought, hmm.. maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing. But suddenly, boyfriend decides that marriage isn't that important, and being "samboere" is really enough. What did that lead to? Me being upset of course! (God, I'm such a WOMAN). Because finally when I have gotten to terms with the fact that maybe I have to "commit" in form of marriage (not to a priest however), then suddenly he is all "no it doesn't matter". Annoyed girlfriend right here!

To me marriage is not having to walk down the isle (we are both pretty much atheist/agnostic), or having a big expensive party that we can't (well, theoretically we could -who am I kidding) afford. To me it would just be about having a ring on my finger, and I don't really know if that's right either. When I was younger I used to believe that there was no point in commiting to eachother like that, now I'm conflicted by my desires to "own" someone else, and my old thougths on "I don't need anyone to be my husband ever". He is the one that made me have these thoughts in the first place, what right does he have to take them away! Muhaha. My plan was always to get married when I was 60, that way the likelyhood of it lasting "for a lifetime" was better :)

Anyway, enough about marriage. I am still pondering on whether or not to buy myself a 5500nok camera. I don't really know what I would take pictures of to be honest, but I want one so I have the oportunities to take good pictures. It is way more fun to take pictures when you have a proper camera then when you don't. And I have kind of lost my other camera, I haven't had it since last summer when we were in the US.. Sucks ass... I wonder where it is so badly.. Will look when I am at home at my parents place...

Ok, my blog is really boring, I know..but I live a boring life.
How are you?
xo
M

Norwegian vs English

Been trying to find new blogs to read, and mainly they all seem to be in Norwegian. Don't get me wrong, I don't really have any big problems with reading Norwegian as I am one. I've actually noticed I sometimes prefer reading stuff in Norwegian as it makes me think less about what I am reading. That being said, English is a far better language for describing a bigger array of emotions, and it is also my preferred language to write in, when I write.
It seems like every time I try to write anything in Norwegian it ends up being short-lived, as I can't seem to describe my day, my feelings or my life as well in Norwegian as I can in English.
At the same time when I read all these blogs in Norwegian, and I find all these wonderful girls posting about their day to day life thinking -would they read my blog if they found it, even if it is in english? I find it pretty impressive that a lot of people post about their every day struggles, about their eating disorders, their depressions and anxiety without being scared that someone they know will read their innermost feelings. Well, I shouldn't say that, what do I know about what they feel -but you catch my point. They are not hiding from who they are, KUDOS.

It seems every time I try to describe how I feel about my previous experiences it all ends up in a ramble of non-sense and not much to read. Maybe that's just how I feel though. I'm happy I've come as far as I have. I never injured myself (well, except for the odd overheated shower to try to feel anything back in 05), I only had some eating problems a couple of.... well, more than a couple of times, but all in all -right now, in this moment, I only have small issues to deal with on a day to day basis. Like -who will empty the dishwasher and the clothes rack, or who will make dinner. Btw, those things are not just small things, because some times they make me cry, because I don't want to be the person who does it every single time. Yes, it might be MY need to have a clean apartment, but it is still OUR stuff... know what I mean?

Ah well... won't be too crazy about it, I'm pretty much good whatever I do, and one must always have a few down-hours during a day, to make up for all the good ones. Some times I feel like I don't have a life, because I never go out and do stuff with my friends. Not that I have a lot of friends either, or that I necessarily WANT to do anything.. because you know what, I really enjoy my time in front of my computer, sitting next to my boyfriend doing whatever... Especially after an eight hour work day. And come weeends I'm not much of a party person, and I like just staying in relaxing, as work-week means being active all day, just sitting in doing nothing makes me pretty happy... ah well... Hope you -my friend reading this, understands, I love you all, I just suck as socializing.

xo
MCurrently drooling on this little thing... Didn't want anyone (boyfriend) to buy it for me for my birthday, but now I might have to buy it myself...

Faith

People have so much faith, or is it believe you say? I think it's faith in english (pardon my french, or ahem...english). Anyway. Ever since I got an offer about this job -everyone has been telling me to go for it. Then I decided not to go for it and I posted it all over my blog and on facebook... Then the regional manager made me change my mind (uææ... I still don't know if I made the right choice). And everyone was either very happy for me, or very sad because I'm quitting my current job.

Yesterday we were out with old colleagues, and my boss told me that if I had aimed for one of the jobs in the city I would have been up there competing for them. I don't think so however. I got the impression that the only reason they could put me in this job is because they were struggling to find people who would take it. Not that that is a very nice reason for getting a job in the first place, but at the same time, taking over and hopefully changing something noone else wanted to believe in is pretty cool don't ya think?

Being out last night made me realize that whoever I talk to believes that this is the right decision, and that I will be a good manager/boss. They are all proud of me and believe in me so much it makes me kind of scared I will fail and disappoint everyone... Boyfriend says I should just accept and appreciate that everyone believe in me so much and wish me all the best. But as usual I have massive problems accepting that I might be good at something.. Especially since I've always been told the oposite by my fellow kids at school when I was really young. It's hard for me to realize what's going to happen in two months, as it seem so far ahead in the future... I talked to the boss over there and everyone was very excited (in lack of a better word) about me coming over, but I don't mean in the way that they know who I am, but in the way that they are wondering who I am!

Uææ.. I really need to get out there and present myself, but will not be able to do it the next two weeks because of different situations within this pharmacy. In addition to that, I should do it on a Tuesday since that is when I normally start my job at noon anyway, so I have a bit of time. I should talk to the regional manager about this, but then again contacting him again makes it all so real :P ha ha

I'm a whack job, I know
40 mins left of work, SO boring on Thursdays, hardly anything to do!
xo
M