I love you

I love that it's midnight and you brought feta-cheese in to bed, so we can eat it even though we really should be sleeping. I love how you come to bed when me, even when you don't want to, because it is so comfortable having you next to me when I fall asleep. I love how you are always warm, whilst I am always cold, and you can warm my body up even though it's minus out and I think I will never be able to reach normal body temperature. I love how you hold me when I feel bad and need a hug, and how you can make me smile just by being next to me. I love how you make me feel, even though a lot of times I am angrier at you than I've ever been at anyone else. I love it when you do the dishes that I didn't ask you to do, or when you buy something good to eat and cook it for me because let's face it -you are the better chef. I love the way romantic songs can make me feel this way, because it must mean that I do want to be with you, even though you drive me crazy at times. I love how you bought be Global Agenda, and that you keep playing it with me, even though I'm not as good at it as you. I love waking up next to you in bed, even though one of us is always grumpy, and the other one gets to stay in bed for longer. I love how I can close my eyes now, and cuddle up against your side -and hopefully fall asleep because you are warm, and cozy, and right there with me..

<3
M

Nighttime...

It's one o'clock and pretty much time to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just kind of can't... not just yet, it's so nice reading about other peoples lives, seeing how their weekend has been, seeing what they have done when I have been gaming all weekend (hehe).

I realize my latest blog entry was a bit hard on myself. And after Martine commented on the blog, and Heidi commented to me on fb-chat, I realize that yes, I am downplaying myself - a whole lot actually. I really shouldn't. What I have accomplished in life is pretty huge. I never had a bad life, I never hurt myself physically, but I've had some emotional struggles throughout my life anyway. Not knowing my biological father has hurt me more than I think anyone could know. Just for the record, I don't blame my mom, because it has nothing to do with her, it's got all to do with him..and his choice not to be in my life (well, until that day in November when he decided to contact me on fb).

I've struggled with ana, all the way up until that day when my boyfriend decided to take one extra try at this tric he wanted to do (a 360 on slalom skis, the first skiing day of the season). Turned out that was a bad idea, and he ended up not making another jump for the rest of his life... I promised myself that day I would not go back to ana, and even though I have had a few days where I really haven't felt like eating, I still have, and I've been good for about 5 years now -an accomplishment in itself. I've been on anti-depressants (when I was 18), I've been in different types of therapy for different things... but I've realized it's not for me. The pills I was on for about a year, the therapies for longer.

I have decided talking to my friends, writing on my blog, and crying whenever I feel like it (well, mainly to poor boyfriend), is what I need right now, I don't want someone who don't know me to hear about my life, my emotions and thoughts... (well, except you, reading this blog that doesn't know me). I think remembering to take my vitamin D/A supplements, and my omega-3 will make me be in a pretty decent mood throughout the winter. Also, living down south, compared to up north really does make a difference for my mental health... that's just the way things are, sorry guys, not coming back up there just yet :)

My eyes are too sleepy now.. Will try to post some more PICTURES on this goddamn place... just want to find my Ixus first... (been lost for a while)
have a good one
xo
M

Daily life

Not much goes on in my life. Yesterday was the first day since (well, what feels like) forever boyfriend went to bed BEFORE I did. Imagine that! Reason? He went to bed at 3.30 the night before and still have to get up to go to work early in the morning. I have started work at 7.45 every day this week, and I know a lot of people do that on a regular basis, I however, do not, so it feels exhausting.

It seems everyone is getting married these days. Now don't get me wrong, I don't MIND that people are getting married, it just makes me feel a bit "old" and not as "settled" as everyone else. But then again, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, what connects you is not that piece of paper... However ever since I met boyfriend, and we talked about it like a year back, when he stated "you should get married before moving in together" (made me tremble in fear), I have thought, hmm.. maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing. But suddenly, boyfriend decides that marriage isn't that important, and being "samboere" is really enough. What did that lead to? Me being upset of course! (God, I'm such a WOMAN). Because finally when I have gotten to terms with the fact that maybe I have to "commit" in form of marriage (not to a priest however), then suddenly he is all "no it doesn't matter". Annoyed girlfriend right here!

To me marriage is not having to walk down the isle (we are both pretty much atheist/agnostic), or having a big expensive party that we can't (well, theoretically we could -who am I kidding) afford. To me it would just be about having a ring on my finger, and I don't really know if that's right either. When I was younger I used to believe that there was no point in commiting to eachother like that, now I'm conflicted by my desires to "own" someone else, and my old thougths on "I don't need anyone to be my husband ever". He is the one that made me have these thoughts in the first place, what right does he have to take them away! Muhaha. My plan was always to get married when I was 60, that way the likelyhood of it lasting "for a lifetime" was better :)

Anyway, enough about marriage. I am still pondering on whether or not to buy myself a 5500nok camera. I don't really know what I would take pictures of to be honest, but I want one so I have the oportunities to take good pictures. It is way more fun to take pictures when you have a proper camera then when you don't. And I have kind of lost my other camera, I haven't had it since last summer when we were in the US.. Sucks ass... I wonder where it is so badly.. Will look when I am at home at my parents place...

Ok, my blog is really boring, I know..but I live a boring life.
How are you?
xo
M

Norwegian vs English

Been trying to find new blogs to read, and mainly they all seem to be in Norwegian. Don't get me wrong, I don't really have any big problems with reading Norwegian as I am one. I've actually noticed I sometimes prefer reading stuff in Norwegian as it makes me think less about what I am reading. That being said, English is a far better language for describing a bigger array of emotions, and it is also my preferred language to write in, when I write.
It seems like every time I try to write anything in Norwegian it ends up being short-lived, as I can't seem to describe my day, my feelings or my life as well in Norwegian as I can in English.
At the same time when I read all these blogs in Norwegian, and I find all these wonderful girls posting about their day to day life thinking -would they read my blog if they found it, even if it is in english? I find it pretty impressive that a lot of people post about their every day struggles, about their eating disorders, their depressions and anxiety without being scared that someone they know will read their innermost feelings. Well, I shouldn't say that, what do I know about what they feel -but you catch my point. They are not hiding from who they are, KUDOS.

It seems every time I try to describe how I feel about my previous experiences it all ends up in a ramble of non-sense and not much to read. Maybe that's just how I feel though. I'm happy I've come as far as I have. I never injured myself (well, except for the odd overheated shower to try to feel anything back in 05), I only had some eating problems a couple of.... well, more than a couple of times, but all in all -right now, in this moment, I only have small issues to deal with on a day to day basis. Like -who will empty the dishwasher and the clothes rack, or who will make dinner. Btw, those things are not just small things, because some times they make me cry, because I don't want to be the person who does it every single time. Yes, it might be MY need to have a clean apartment, but it is still OUR stuff... know what I mean?

Ah well... won't be too crazy about it, I'm pretty much good whatever I do, and one must always have a few down-hours during a day, to make up for all the good ones. Some times I feel like I don't have a life, because I never go out and do stuff with my friends. Not that I have a lot of friends either, or that I necessarily WANT to do anything.. because you know what, I really enjoy my time in front of my computer, sitting next to my boyfriend doing whatever... Especially after an eight hour work day. And come weeends I'm not much of a party person, and I like just staying in relaxing, as work-week means being active all day, just sitting in doing nothing makes me pretty happy... ah well... Hope you -my friend reading this, understands, I love you all, I just suck as socializing.

xo
MCurrently drooling on this little thing... Didn't want anyone (boyfriend) to buy it for me for my birthday, but now I might have to buy it myself...

Faith

People have so much faith, or is it believe you say? I think it's faith in english (pardon my french, or ahem...english). Anyway. Ever since I got an offer about this job -everyone has been telling me to go for it. Then I decided not to go for it and I posted it all over my blog and on facebook... Then the regional manager made me change my mind (uææ... I still don't know if I made the right choice). And everyone was either very happy for me, or very sad because I'm quitting my current job.

Yesterday we were out with old colleagues, and my boss told me that if I had aimed for one of the jobs in the city I would have been up there competing for them. I don't think so however. I got the impression that the only reason they could put me in this job is because they were struggling to find people who would take it. Not that that is a very nice reason for getting a job in the first place, but at the same time, taking over and hopefully changing something noone else wanted to believe in is pretty cool don't ya think?

Being out last night made me realize that whoever I talk to believes that this is the right decision, and that I will be a good manager/boss. They are all proud of me and believe in me so much it makes me kind of scared I will fail and disappoint everyone... Boyfriend says I should just accept and appreciate that everyone believe in me so much and wish me all the best. But as usual I have massive problems accepting that I might be good at something.. Especially since I've always been told the oposite by my fellow kids at school when I was really young. It's hard for me to realize what's going to happen in two months, as it seem so far ahead in the future... I talked to the boss over there and everyone was very excited (in lack of a better word) about me coming over, but I don't mean in the way that they know who I am, but in the way that they are wondering who I am!

Uææ.. I really need to get out there and present myself, but will not be able to do it the next two weeks because of different situations within this pharmacy. In addition to that, I should do it on a Tuesday since that is when I normally start my job at noon anyway, so I have a bit of time. I should talk to the regional manager about this, but then again contacting him again makes it all so real :P ha ha

I'm a whack job, I know
40 mins left of work, SO boring on Thursdays, hardly anything to do!
xo
M