So I realize my last few posts have been somewhat depressing. I am sorry about that. But in all fairness that's been how I have been feeling. To brighten up the mood a bit, here's some pictures of firehydrants on the walk between cambrigde (MIT) and Harvard university.
søndag 23. oktober 2011
Så jeg får skrive, prøve å knotre ned på virituelt papir hvorfor jeg har det vondt, selv om det ikke vil gi noen logikk det heller. For her kommer problemet. Jeg er lei meg fordi jeg ikke er ekstraordinær. Jeg er lei meg fordi jeg ikke kan alt, fordi jeg er helt normal, og usynlig... jeg vil være noen, jeg vil bety noe -og akkurat nå føler jeg at jeg ikke betyr noentingsomhelst... for noen (av og til ikke sambomannen engang).
Jeg har aldri skjønt hvor denne trangen til å "være noen" kommer fra. Kanskje fordi etter at jeg flytta hjemmefra ble jeg liksom noen -jeg ble sett. Jeg tror noe av årsaken er at biodad aldri var tilstede mens jeg var ung, jeg følte dermed at jeg var "verdiløs" og uønsket og har vel strengt tatt slitt med det i veldig mange år. Grunnlaget for depresjonene og spiseforstyrrelsen kommer derfra. Og så alt vondtet... Når jeg har vondt gjør det så intenst vondt. Langt inni magen, bak magesekken og ribbeina, bak innerst øverst i ryggen der ingen kan se det, der gjør det vondt.
Noe av det er savn, jeg savner de jeg er glade i. Fordi når venner som flytter pga jobb, eller menn, eller kombinasjonen jobb/menn, eller bare studering plutselig befinner seg i andre land, og av og til i andre tidssoner, da gjør savnet vondt. Vi snakker ikke sammen, skriver ikke til hverandre fordi vi glemmer det. Og av og til føler jeg at vi ikke skriver til hverandre fordi alt er så tilgjengelig i dagens samfunn. Facebook, twitter, blogger, hvem tenker vel på mail lengre -let alone POST.
Jeg sier alltid jeg må bli flinkere å holde kontakten med folk, men så gjør jeg ingenting med det. Det er også noe som gjør meg trist, for da føler jeg meg enda mer håpløs -hvem klarer ikke ta vare på sine virituelle venner med all den tilgjengeligheten vi har i dag?
Og enn så glad jeg er i alle vennene mine, så føler jeg at de har det så mye bedre enn meg -de er så perfekte. Og dissa damene som blogger og utbroderer sine egne liv på nettet mer enn meg -DE er vakre de, og tøffe. Og så tenker jeg at jeg skulle ønske noen kunne se MEG også -men hvorfor skal folk se meg når det ikke er noe å se ?
Så til et paradoks.. Jeg vil ikke være noen bare for å være noen, jeg vil ikke bety noe for å overgå disse menneskene som jeg til daglig beundrer. Jeg vil være noen fordi jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne bety noe i noens liv. Beklager til mine venner som leser dette, selvsagt vet jeg at jeg betyr noe i deres liv... men.. dere skjønner det at Depressive M, sammen med Anorexi M (som spiser) -har vanskelig for å forstå disse tingene, hvorenn ulogiske de er.
Hverdagslykke -hvor er du ? Når alt er så flott, hvorfor må alt være så vanskelig?
I get sad -it's just the way things are.
When I am sad, and I tell you why I am sad I don't really appreciate the "There's something wrong with you"-direction.
Yes, there is something wrong with me. I have recovered from an eating disorder, I've been eating for the past 7 years.
6 years 11 months ago I lost the love of my life to death, which made me remember that all things in life are precious, and you should take care of what you have.
27 years ago my dad decided in one way or another not to have contact with me. If it was guilt from his parents, if it was he being sick for a while, or if it was him being a jerk -or a combination of all of the above it made me who I am. I am insecure, I have problems trusting people, I have problems seeing myself as worth anything but dirt. But I try.
I have talked to nurses, to drs, to psychiatrists and psychologists and different therapists about this. I know what is wrong with me, I know all my quirks, I know my problems.. I get sad sometimes.. I get sad when winter is coming, and when the darkness surrounds us. I have these problems, this is me...
I wish it wasn't like that, but it is not going to go away. And in all honesty the last thing I need is when my best friend and lover tells me there is something wrong with me. Because I know. I know you are tired of me being depressed, but I am. I am not going to medicate myself again, I don't like being on medication, and I really don't think I need it. Sometimes life just feels like its going against me, and I feel sad and down and dark. All I really need is for someone to listen. I know it is hard, I know it is a lot of work -and I respect if it is too hard to handle.
Just know that all I need most times is a hug -not to tell me that there's something wrong.
I love you, with all my heart.
torsdag 20. oktober 2011
So I can't sleep... I'm in my bed, and have been for the last two hours it seems, and still no sleep... I'm thinking about all the things I shouldn't be. The usual as in: How my weight is still the same, how my work out routine still hasn't starter, how my damn foot is hurting so much I don't want to sign up for Crossfit before I can actually get my 925 NOK worth of training in there.. As of before operation = None. Operation time: who the freak knows...
"Man with wheelchairs at CDG"
Since my very very bad last blog I have been in the US for two weeks..We flew through Paris, a good experience over, bad one back home. Icelandair for the win, and even if it costs me more I am pretty sure I will chose them over anyone else no matter 200USD here or there...
"To New York I say"
I visited NY for my second time -and dropped by Magnolia bakery at grand central for some DELICIOUS cupcakes (Peanutbutter for the win). It was great fun with great friends, and we couldn't have hoped for a better day as the weather was splendid. In this blog post is some pics from the trip.
"Definetly not Low Carb Diet"
Back to my thoughts... I'm sad we didn't get the apartment we viewed and bid on right before leaving. I am also sad I can't seem to find any good ones for sale, and that the price of things is ridiculous. I hate it. Another sad fact.. I feel like I fail at life, that I am no good at anything (but my job) and that everyone else are living these fantastic great lives and accomplish all sorts of stuff... All I do is sit on my ass and make money... Useless much? Wtf is wrong with me, I should be allowed to let myself be happy, no?
"Lego blocks at Lego store"
Last rant of the night:
Then everyone seems to be debating low carb diets. First of all, what annoys me the most is all the controversy. There is no 100% right answer when it comes to dieting, nor is that my point of this statement, -Find a diet that suits you. NOT for the losing weight part, but for the feeling good about your self part. "Carbs" are not bad for you, but everyone should know by now that half processed, and full processed food is 1. often full of different sugar (eq. carbs), and 2. not very good for you. If you can cook your own food from scratch, and eat it in ok amounts, you're golden. Now if you have any disease, allergy, or want to lose weight -that's a different matter all together. I've found living without pasta/rice and other semi-processed stuff is actually quite nice. My intestinal system is doing just dandy (too much information) and I feel pretty much awake (well, except for when I do things like now, blog in the middle of the night). Whatever works for you, do it.. I will write a more medical view on it all later (after some article searches).
Frustrated and sleepless in Oslo