Alone

Lately I've felt alone a lot. That being said, I don't do much to keep in touch with people, so I am partially to blame for my own loneliness. I've always been kind of a loner, not always voluntarily though. The first few years of school I didn't have too many close friends, and the one friend that I did have kind of left me from the age of ten. It hurt me, that she just wanted to be with new girl instead of me, like I wasn't good enough. Come 8th-10th grade I had a couple of good friends, but they were still looked upon as the "cool girls", whilst I was the one who didn't get invited to parties. After we started first grade at high school they moved out of the city, so that year I mainly hung out with the boys in school, and noone outside of school. Luckily I moved away from all these people 2nd to 3rd year of high school and met new people in a new city that accepted me more for who I was. I've never had as many friends as I did the last two years of high school.

First year of college was kind of a bitch. A lot of things happened and the people who were my friends couldn't accept that I was honest about who I was.. Long story short, they got mad at me and rejected me because I couldn't stand up against authorities... I wasn't strong enough back then, I am now. University was a story in itself, starting out the worst year of my life when boyfriend died after being together for about 2-3 months... It changed me, it obviously made me
depresssed, and lonely.... It made me not be very logical or good about things, and whenever people said "are you OK?" I always answered honestly with a "No". That must've been hard to deal with, but honestly, what did they expect? My boyfriend was dead, I was in a new city, and I had lost the second love of my life... It had taken me about four years to get over the first one, and now the second one DIES? I mean, honestly -so not fair.

By the end of university and ridiculous amounts of DRAMA, I've finally settled down in a town where I don't know a lot of people. The people I do know, or used to hang out with moved to FREAKING Canada. Ok, they are not my only friends, but Martine was kind of my best friend, and even though you meet new people, you do miss the ones you've been closest to. Ronja is another example, we have lived together on and off for five years while I was in Tromsø, and I still miss her like crazy and wishes she lived in the same town as me. However, she is a tour guide, and tour guides in Oslo just isn't the same as in Turkey now is it!

I'm not going to list more of my friends, you all know who you are, and that I love you dearly.. Problem is I'm bad at keeping in touch with people. I'm also very touchy, and don't want to be in anyones "way" so to speak... I am too childish and quite frankly kind of DUMB sometimes, when I feel sorry for myself because nobody likes me. Who this nobody is? I don't know. I just feel like everyone else has that certain someone, a friend they either have known all their lives, or a friend that they are VERY close to, even though they are recent friends... Whilst I just don't feel like I matter that much in the big picture. No offense to any of my friends, I just feel like a lesser person, and that I don't matter -and it's not your fault it's mine.

My self esteem is something that has been a problem since those first years of school. Always being abandoned, and left for oneself really hurts... Doesn't help that biodad left me well, almost when I was born. Kind of screws you over in general now doesn't it! It really affects the person you are, if you want to or not. I have tried fighting this, I am fighting this. Seeing myself as someone being worth something, to myself or to others is really hard! I've gotten a lot better, but sometimes, just sometimes... I still feel left alone.

Don't ask don't tell

"Sexual orientation will not be a bar to service unless manifested by homosexual conduct. The military will discharge members who engage in homosexual conduct, which is defined as a homosexual act, a statement that the member is homosexual or bisexual, or a marriage or attempted marriage to someone of the same gender. – sitat fra The Pentagon's New Policy Guidelines on Homosexuals in the Military, The New York Times (20. july 1993)"

The don't ask don't tell act was put in to action in 1993. In September 2010, five boys from the age of 13 and up took their own lives because they were bullied for being gay. It's so sad we are haunted by gay-fear in 2010.. Gay people are no different from heterosexuals, why can't people realize that? I suggest everyone take a look at Larry King Live show that was sent about gay bullying (link). And if you are a US teenager with problems (or older for that matter), please read up on the Trevor project and get help to talk about your depressions and problems regarding being gay... not that there should be any! but if there are please don't do anything drastic... just call.

Boyfriend has a gay sister, one of my best friends is gay, some of my old friends are gay and I've never really seen the problems about being gay. Maybe it's because I've grown up around gay people? Our neighbours when i was six was gay, and they are some of our best friends. When I was 14 or something they got married in Sweden, even blessed by a priest! In Norway gays are finally allowed to get married, and i find it pretty crazy that some american states are still against gay marriage... Saying it's against nature, saying it's not Gods wish... that is just USELESS. How can they claim that all humans are equal and deserve the hand of God in one moment, and then go against themselves when people are gay? And even more ridiculous, how can people think that PRAYING will help people get HEALED for their gayness? HEALED? It's not a freaking disease, it's the way the heart works, it's loving someone beyond their gender, it's finding a soul mate or lover.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have this theory that everyone is more or less gay. Look at it percentage wise. So you can be 100% heterosexual, or 100% homosexual. But you can also be 10/90, 20/80 etc. I know some of my friends are more on the 40/60 or 60/40 side. Yes, I know, it's called being bisexual, I'm no idiot, but here's the thing, a lot of people wouldn't necessarily want to call themselves bisexual. Bisexual is also a "bad" thing in many peoples eyes. Girls seem to be able to explore their sexuality within the same gender more than men do. We kiss our girlfriends when we are drunk, claiming it's only to tease the men -but really, is that the only reason? I think that some people are just too scared to admit that they are doing it to feel what it feels like kissing someone of the same gender. Are they bisexual? Are they homosexual? Not necessarily

I think I would be more 20/80. Get me wrong, I do prefer men, oh do I love my men (or man, ha ha). But see, I fall in love with PEOPLE, not just gender. Right now I've been wathing "Sigrid soeker kjaereste" on nrk.no -and honestly, I think I have a small crush on her. She is just SO SWEET! She's cute, she is trying to find a BOYfriend on national television, and even though she is a comedienne, and I thought it would be more joking than serious -it's not. She is herself on TV, and I admire her for it. Being single and looking is hard enough in this country, and being a celebrity that is normally quite harsh and looked upon as a "Strong Woman" probably doesn't make it any easier. I admire her, and I would love to go out with her myself -she's just THAT adorable! (I think I have this thing for blondes lately... whats up with that?)

Just so you know kids, gay or not gay -it get's better. Being a teenager might suck, but being an adult and choosing who to hang with, who to love, and who to care for makes everything better. Please stand up for anyone who is being bullied, be it for their sexual orientation, or anything else. Don't listen do narrow minded leaders who are cowards and don't know what they are talking about. We are all equal, we all matter.

xoxo

M

Randomness

So a lot of thoughts have rambled through my head today. First of all, someone posted on Facebook today "Pls pray 4 me today...already stressed out and it is only 9am!". Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am no religious person. Compared to my other half however, I'm a believer, as I can say that I do believe there was this dude named Jesus who made a pretty big deal out of himself back in the day. Or, all the other guys made a pretty big deal out of him. And in the 90's I had a pair of shoes where the heal was made of cork (cork? Norwegian : kork), and I bet that's how he walked on that water. OR! He might just have lived up north where it's freezing and we get this thing called ICE -that you can actually walk on! Anyway... that's beside the point.

My point was -will praying help on his/hers very stressful morning. Because even though I do believe there was this dude called Jesus, I don't believe that talking out loud in thin air will actually CHANGE anything that will happen to you that day. Trust me, I tried a couple of times -massive fail. My better half (hey, who said he was better btw....) does not believe in faith or destiny, I however have this feeling that some things might happen for a reason. Although that is hard to explain when I am so into the whole "praying doesn't help change things"-thing. I just think you can't ask for things to happen, and you can't plan for things to happen, things just randomly happen by themselves, without anyone DECIDING it. Call it faith, call it lucky, call it God, whatever you want to call it -as long as it makes you happy.

Now that is where my other(!) half completely disagrees. When he thinks something, or have an opinion of something, because he read it somewhere (and it is a well known fact, and or is proven scientifically) he thinks that anyone who believes otherwise are dumb/stupid/clueless. He is not the type of guy to call you stupid, he is not the kind of guy that thinks most people are idiots either, he just simply believes that what he knows, because he has the facts to prove it -is correct. Sadly, most of the times he is right. The best way to illustrate this is a girl doing Squats at the Gym the other day. She was doing REAL squats, BUT, she was in the smith machine. So I come home bragging about myself for complimenting this girl on her squats, and he goes "but you shouldn't have said that because she is doing them wrong". I said that she was doing them fairly correct, as compared to ALL THE OTHER people who either half-squat, or squat with their knees pointing forwards (shrug), she was doing a pretty decent job. "No, not as long as she was doing them in the smith machine".

(proper squat)

Men! And their stubborn, if maybe correct, opinions... Annoying, but back to the praying. I think that praying is a form of meditation or comfort. Because you are talking to someone, or something that you believe will help you and guide you through life. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to pray, but I do think it is unlikely that praying to this guy/girl called God will change your, or anyone else's future. I think that asking for someone to get healthy and for the world to take care of your family is a good thing -but I don't think that it will save them in the end... It might be sad, it might be cynical and not very godly, but it is my honest opinion. Praying will however make you feel calm, it will make you relax and it will make you be able to empty your heart out to this non-existing person and hopefully calm the storms within...

Sorry if I upset you, but hey, you are allowed to think otherwise! (I will still respect you, because as long as people can respect my opinion, I can respect theirs -That's the God I pray to)
XO
M

Home

I've traveled up north to 1. the place I went to HS, and 2. where my parents live. Just arrived at parents house. It felt good being in HS-city, seeing some of the girls I went to school with (+kids), my godson and my friends daughter who has already made it to five years old... woah, time just flies by, and it's the age of the kids that makes you realize how old you have gotten. When we were driving home today we made a pit stop by my aunt who's had her second baby, and my little cousin who is 2 years. I haven't seen her since may, but she wasn't shy at all, and seemed overjoyed that I was visiting. Normally she just hangs with my parents because she knows them but not me as much, so GO me, for being the cool one this time.

sitting in my old kitchen makes me realize how much I miss this place. It's weird being 26, not having lived in your own house since you were 17 (well, technically I was 16 when I moved out, but since my birthday is in sept I was 17 about two weeks later). It's been nine years since I woke up in the mornings and my mom drove me to school, it's been Narvik, Kristiansand, Tromsoe, Oslo, Tromsoe and back to Oslo again since then. A university degree, several men (haha), and jobs later I am merely a guest in my own home.

This house still holds so much of my old stuff, and every time I am in this house I go in to the basement storage room to look at my old stuff. I don't have the heart to throw anything out, but at the same time I have way too much stuff just stored here, that I most likely will never get any use of. I would take a picture but I can't, because my camera has been lost since new years... It sucks -as I was hoping my parents would have located it by now -sad truth that they haven't.. I don't know what to do with myself, as I do not wish to BUY a new one because it is truly not FAIR that it is gone without even being two years old or something. Yes, I am annoyed, yes I can't stop talking about it -SORRY....

Arghhhhh! Bringing the anger in to the next paragraph might be rude, but still, AARRRGHHHHH. I have a week left of my vacation, lord knows what I am going to do with all this spare time. There are probably a gazillion things I COULD do, especially with the already mentioned STUFF that could use a good old beating /cleaning. However, going through my old stuff, not being able to bring too much of it down to our apartment anyway is pretty useless... isn't it? I could go hiking in the mountains -seeing as the scenery just now is just INCREDIBLE. The colors up north is something you can only experience, fall just blows up in your face like nothing else up here -orange, red, yellow, brown as far as the eye can see. If you are a teensy bit lucky, you'll find a green spot here or there too! The sun has been out the last couple of days, which of course brings a smile to anyones face, living right now is pretty much awesome (cept for stupid camera).

I will try to post more pictars though, I mean, I could always just use googleimages anyway! OR find some old junky pictures you haven't seen before -I mean, who would know the difference. If I was going to have real fun I could scan some of my teenage pictures and you can all have a laugh of how young I was back in the days... (haha, as if my 26 year old self is that OLD right now, maybe not).


Watch out for more blog posts, as vacationing might be pretty boring after a while. :)
xo
M