lørdag 29. januar 2011

Things that matter

I have gotten more responses on my last blogpost than any of the previous ones. No wonder, since I have poked around in blogs and left my mark -but anywho, thank you to everyone who has commented, or read my post.. I really, truly appreciate it.

I'm lonely in this city. I have mentioned it before but I mean it, I want to point it out. As I pointed out in the previous post I've never been the kind of girl who had a lot of friends. In addition to that I have a brain that decieves me in to believeing noone likes me, or wants to be with me. Whenever I meet new people I always think that they see me as first of all Fat (mentioned eating disorder thoughts), second of all stupid (bad self-esteem) and lastly pretty lame and boring. Which I guess in some way is true. I don't enjoy going to a crowded bar to hang out and get drunk. First of all, being at a bar where they play loud music, and overcharge you for drinks kind of sucks. Second, I don't enjoy getting drunk in public places.. I dunno, I think it's got something to do with my past experiences with alochol. Don't worry, it't no big deal, I just had an ex who well... liked to drink a lot.

The reason I think I am lonely is because I make myself lonely. I want to be with people, but then again I want to stay home, so I do. come evening I get bored and alone, and stare at my monitor where noone replies to my facebookmessages, msn or tweets (trying to be "cool" and use twitter, not working). I'm also impatient... I want to have interessting conversations where I say something awesome or meaningful and "deep", and instead it's mainly just jibberish and pretty boring. I guess trying to be someone you are not is not really a good idea huh...

Parts of me want to know if everyone else has the same weird thoughts roaming around in their heads. I want to know all the random stuff people do in a day, and all their random thoughts about their lives, or others for that matter. I've spent a lot of my energy focusing on how horrible I am as a person -when in fact I am not that horrible at all... Does anyone else even think about these things? Am I a complete idiot for having this weird ass brain telling me these things?

Blargh... My brain is about to explode from all this thinking.. this blogpost sure didn't turn out the way I wanted it to... I'm just.. lonely..inside.

lørdag 22. januar 2011

Eating Disorder

My name is M, and I have an eating disorder.

It all started about 11 years ago, and even though I have gone six years without going back in to starvation mode, I am still somewhat starving my body. Whenever I am under a lot of emotional stress, I stop eating certain meals in a day, or even if I do eat I don't eat enough and my hunger takes over.

As you all know (well, some of you know), I have been working out to get stronger, not necessarily to lose weight.. Although I must admit I was hoping for the latter. That obviously failed, but at least I have noticed I have gained muscle mass over the last year. However, I have not worked out very much since November, so whatever muscle mass I had built up has most likely deteriorated in to fat cells yet again. Does it matter? Does it make me less of a person? Probably not. Do I feel like it does? Yes I do.

From the age of fourteen I had anorexia. I think it started when I was sick, and realized that by not eating I lost a lot of weight and my thights that used to be glued to my ancles, were now hanging like nothing else around my calfs... At 12/14 that was probably not the best thing to notice at said point. I have never known my biological father, which in many cases made me feel very abandoned as a child. I had everything I wanted and needed, a loving mom, a caring step-dad and the worlds best family. I have had some friend losses through the years, and I never really fit in to the "norm" where I was from... Sadly that didn't help on the eating disorder.

The death of my then boyfriend in 2004 made me promise myself (and him) that I would never go back to not eating. And I never have. I am noticing that even though I am trying not to think of it, my head is still in anorexia and self loathing mode. As you might remember I promised myself I would be nicer to myself this year, and not hate myself as much as I have done previous years. Despite this promise, despite having a perfectly good night last night and day today, I still loathe myself as much as I used to. I don't think I'm good enough, I don't feel pretty "enough", and I just want to put my head in the sand and disappear -I mean, would anyone even notice?

I have concidered enrolling in some course to loose weight -but because of my personal issues with weight and food, going in to one of these programs is too unsafe and scary for my part. It sounds silly, but that is just how I feel -and I hope you understand that. I have a boyfriend who is perfectly able to help me lose weight, as he did it himself once. However, he says as any therapist would say -you have to do it yourself, I can not do it for you. It is true, I need to make my own meal plan, I need to figure out how to incorporate workouts in to my daily routines, and I need to make time to make lunch and breakfast probably the night before so I can make sure I actually wake up in time to eat it.

I needed to post this, mainly for myself. I need to deal with my issues, and face my fears (RIP Regine). They might seem small and feeble to some, to be they are my nightmare, the reason for my sorrows and despair, and my lifelong struggle to love myself. To me -this is a big deal.

søndag 16. januar 2011

Being a Virgo -planning freak

My boyfriend doesn't believe in anything. He doesn't believe in God (well, to be honest neither do I), he doesn't believe in faith or "signs" of any kind -including star signs. Now, again, to be honest anyone can write anything, and somwhere in what you wrote someone will recognize themselves/their own personalities. In any book you can read at page six, and take every second letter of every third word and make some fortune telling code that something will happen at a certain point in time. However, when it comes to one part of the description of the virgo there is one thing that fits me to a T -the whole planning thing.

Whenever I know where I want to go on vacation, I have this massive urge to order tickets -just to make sure I will be able to travel on the datesDid I do it? Of course I didn't, I planned it at least two months ahead, so I knew what dates I would leave and get home.

Now this can be a handy skill, planning vacation is kind of important as you have to let your employer know when you will be there and when you won't. My biggest problem these days is about my future though. Being with someone who has a job where things are more uncertain than in my business means concidering moving to new locations is on ou that I've picked. I can't just wait and see if there are available flights on that day and just leave. My best friend is a tour guide, so hotel booking and other stuff wouldn't really have been an issue, and I could have waited until the day before travelling to her to buy a ticket.. r minds every now and then. My biggest problem is the fact that I have just started a job where there is changes needed, and I am the person who is trusted to do it. Even though I said when I accepted the job offer that I might not stay for longer than 6-9 months I still feel like I want to manage this. I want to be the best goddamn manager I can be, and do my best to get this thing up and running as it should be before I one day move on to something else.

We have been talking back and fourth forever, about possibly moving out of the country. Where is not relevant at this time. I am having big time struggles deciding whether I can leave my current life and go. On one side, I would want nothing else but to leave this country and just go... go wherever, experience an adventure. On the other side I feel like I need to prove myself, and if I left my work in six months, maybe all my accomplishments would just disappear because noone will follow up on it. Then again, is that such a big deal?

I also fear that if I leave something bad will happen and I will be several hundres/thousands kilometers away and not be able to fix it. I am also scared I will lose my job, and never be able to come back to my manage job and the payment that comes with it. On the other hand, I am 26 years old (really obsessing about the age thing ain't I) and I have about 40 more years in work-life ahead of me. My biggest problem is the planning... I want to be able to plan where I am in six months... When I write it down like this it sounds terrible, and it sounds really silly and stupid.. But honestly that is the truth. I just want to know where I am, or know where I would work if we moved wherever.

Fact of the matter is anywhere we moved it would probably be out of Europe, which means I would not be able to use my pharmacy degree for anything. I might be able to use my chemistry for something, and work as a lab assistant or as a laborant of some kind. I have a masters, but I only got a C on it, and for a resume that you give out, that might not look too good abroad. That kind of annoys me, because I am damn good at what I do, I just wrote a pretty bad paper (or, an OK paper, not a great one). I am worried I will never find a job, I am worried I will have left perfectly good Norway, with my great salary, and high taxes -that at least give me health care, for some country where I don't know what I will get.... It scares the shit out of me.. Friday I even said "If you move out of the country, I don't think I can join you". However, today I don't really see the big problem..
Am I crazy? (yes)

Internet pt. 3. (it never ends)

So I've had this blog for some years now. I think I started my first blog when I was with previously-mentioned-boyfriend-that-it-took-me four-years-to-get-over. I've written the emotions that I've felt, I've written about break-ups and deaths. My previous eating disorder has also had a big part of my blog world, but lately I've mostly blogged about my nervousness about my new job, and the hardships that come with it.

Then the other day I got frightened. I've realized that the more I poke my nose around the more "famous" bloggers of Norway, the more the likelyhood of someone actually poking in to my blog might know/get to know who I am, and also know where and what I am talking about when it comes to work. Problem is, of course the blog is official, I could have hidden the posts where I mentioned my worries and or fears. I could have password locked the bits where I mentioned my concerns with my new job, and the problems that I am facing being 26 years old, managing people who are about twice my age. The problem is I don't want to... I don't want to hide from who I am, but maybe I should, especially if it gets personal?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly got frightened one of the bloggers I have started following might recognize where I work (since it really isn't that hard to recognize), and then maybe she knew someone who knows someone who works for me, and maybe those someones would read my blog and then everything would just be a big massive mess... (long sentence much?)
I make up these situations in my head that are truly bizarre, and there really is no reason why I should. Who cares? Who cares if someone who work for me reads about the challenges I face? Or have faced in the past. If I can't stand for my opinions or feelings, maybe I shouldn't blog about them? True... but fact of the matter is I've always kind of known who the visitors of my blog is, and thereby not have to worry about them telling anyone about it. It has more been a diary for myself, about myself, and nothing else.

Anyway, whoever you are reading this, just remember, this is where I put out my hardships and struggles. As do everyone else who write blogs (well, not everyone, but you catch my drift). Of course there's a lot of things I don't mention, and my work people really ain't THAT hard to work with :) It's just hard being the new girl. Besides, noone can argue that coming in at my age can be a challenge, as you don't get respected as much as someone who is twice your age and have lots and lots of experience..

Have a nice Sunday

tirsdag 11. januar 2011

Internet pt. 2.

Short Internet pt 2.
I log on to facebook today and here is what meets me:
Friend on FB
"Does anyone have a USED train, bus or boat ticket I can get, from October, November, December or January from abroad to Norway???!?!"
Replies include:
"haha, what do you need that for"
"I was wondering the same thing"

"Mr X (her boyfriend) needs some sort of "proof" that he came in to the country less than 3 months ago"
Comment: "oh, ok"

Ok, does this person even realize what she is doing now is trying to FRAUD the Norwegian government, AND also posting it on facebook so that everyone can see that she is trying to fraud them? Am I insane to post this? I feel like the Norwegian government is going to find me and tell me to tell them who this is... fair enough, if they do, that is kind of fair.. but WOW do you have to be pretty daft to even post that on facebook.

We can be scared all we want of big brother watching us, or of moneypeople puppeting presidents and such around... but honestly, how can we say we are that much different? What would you do for money? What would you not do for money? How far would you go to protect the one/ones you love. We all sit on our asses pretending to be holy as f***, but then again, are we really?

Not so sure.

fredag 7. januar 2011

The internet

I think my family, and me have had computers since I can't even remember... 1992? We had an old IBM we got from someone who was upgrading their office computers, it had windows 3.11 on it, and was horribly interface wise. Then we got our first computer with win95 (or was there ever a win93? I'm deliberately not googling that). It was awesome, so much easier to use, and it was attached to a modem -and we had THE INTERNEEETS. I have no idea how it happened, but somehow I managed to get both ICQ and mIRC -can't remember what came first. My first friend on ICQ was canadian melissa, which I have no idea what is doing right now. on mIRC I found several from my own area, and sadly I must admit that is where I met my first boyfriend -haha.

Somehow I managed to end up getting to know people from Narvik in the chats, and I had this bunch of friends from Narvik and the Oslo area that I met in Oslo the summer of '99. Tonje (from Spydeberg) is still one of my fairly good friends (we don't keep in touch too often, but then again she lives abroad). I also met Sigve who has a fairly well known blog in norwegian politics or something... (hey, I hate politics). Turned out that I went to this LAN party that Narvik was holding, and I met my second boyfriend (hahaha) Torje. To be honest I have to admit he was the love of my life for several years, the first man I ever loved, and the one man it took me ages to get over. I finally knew I was over him when I realized how big his front teeth was (no offence hon, they just was compared to others). Now he is happily engaged to his girlfriend for years, almost ever since we broke up in fact -his old best friend that I already knew would be the right one for him -good for them!:)

Anyway, Narvik and mIRC found me a lot of friends, and we moved in to the era of msn. Ever since MSN, even though ICQ was mostly "friends only", I feel like the internet has become more and more "friends only". On mIRC you would always find someone you didn't know (up to a certain time of hanging on there), and meeting new friends online wasn't too hard. Then again, it was mostly geeks that were online back in those days, and not "everyone". Haha, I'm turning in to one of those old ladies who thinks everyone was so much better in the past (lol of self).

Through the internet I met new friends, whenever I moved I met new people where I moved through the chat, mainly IRC, since as mentioned, MSN isn't really a place where you pick up random people. Then myspace came along, and probably things before that which I never knew about. I never really found myspace to be the big hit. When I was studying pharmacy this new thing called facebook came along, and somehow me and my bestfriend Kristian, even though we thought FB was silly, we decided to see who could catch the most friends/old people we knew and we made a FB account each. Turned out he knew more people than me, no shocker there. Facebook is still a closed medium, but with all the shares that goes around there, it really isn't a very safe place to put your kids picture or a lot of personal information..

Now to my half-point. Even though we have all these closed communities online (in the old days I got to know people through planetarion and it's community), we still don't get too far away from new people. All over the place people are making these things called blogs, and everywhere people are reading about eachothers lives, and getting to "know" eachother through their blogs. The important thing to remember is that we DON'T know these people. We think we might, but we don't. However, I do admire the ones that put their whole lives, and whole self-worth out there for us to inspect - you guys are amazing. If you haven't seen these people already, let me recomment Lise, Marie, Talented Gudrun, Ida, Kayso, my old friend Trine, Hedda (cute 17 year old currently exchanging in the US), and all those others out there. Sofsen is pretty awesome too, although hasn't blogged to much lately, but maybe after new years resolutions she will?

All I can say is, that so far I only know one of these fab girls in person, and I hope that 2011 let's me meet atleast one, or maybe two of them!:) You girls are awesome, I admire you, and you deserve some attention. Diem Perdidi is one of my newest attachments to my bloglist. And last but not least, check out my awesome journalist friend Julie, ooh, and her dad Espen too :)
The internet, according to this person

In retrospect, this is how the internet has changed... we are "fans" of eachothers work (well, not too many fans on my part, as hardly anyone "knows" I'm here -not that it matters). It's weird for me not to "Talk" to people through some sort of chat though, because that's always how I've used the internet to get to know people before I actually met them in person.
Have a good weekend guys, I will spend it cuddling with my new HTC Desire :)

søndag 2. januar 2011

New year!

We've spent the new year watching ridiculous amounts of the big bang theory. I <3 that show! It is genious :) Well, maybe not genious, but it sure is fun and entertaining for those who find geeks funny. The worst part is I can recognise myself, and a lot of my old friends in the characters, not as a whole, but small parts of them. :) We have also been eating leftovers from new years dinner, which by the way was TDF! Mixing Peters excellent cooking skills, with Julies and mine, was a brilliant idea and turned new years dinner in to a massive feast of foods (and side dishes). Tonje gave the night an even better end with delicious warm blackberries and vanila ice cream for dessert. NOMNOMNOMMMMMM!

Today I have made pancakes, kind of american style, although not the shake mix kind -the from scratch kind. they turned out pretty awesome, however now my tummy hurts :P We also had to buy maple syrup, which in Norway is around 12 USD for a cup of maple syrup - yes, ridiculous expensive. Worth it? Oh absolutely!

I have decided not to have any new years resolutions this year. But as the current events, and my readback of blogposts (or, Martines readback of blogposts and comments I make about myself), I have decided that the least I can do for new years is to treat myself a bit better. I guess it is about time huh? I need to get better at telling myself when I've done something good, and stop kicking my own ass when I have done something that might not be too clever, but isn't the end of the world either!

I have concidered buying a Canon EOS camera, will reconcider it on friday when I might drop by fotovideo to talk to someone who actually knows something about cameras. I have also concidered buying a new phone for myself, and I am very tempted to go all out and just buy a smartphone... Not an Iphone though.... an HTC desire... when buying one though, I am sure I will somehow manage to drop it on the ground several times during the first week, thereby maybe smashing it to pieces. :P Ok, that was being mean to myself, but honestly, isn't that what everyone does at some point? Break their smartphones because smartphones really can't stand that much beating. Old Nokias on the other hand - very resilient phones! Again, I am torn between my wants for pretty things, and my ability to give myself something nice that actually costs a bit of money.

Ah well, should hit the shower and prepare for tomorrows work day.. Isn't it great when christmas comes on a friday and newyears too... :/