Alone

Lately I've felt alone a lot. That being said, I don't do much to keep in touch with people, so I am partially to blame for my own loneliness. I've always been kind of a loner, not always voluntarily though. The first few years of school I didn't have too many close friends, and the one friend that I did have kind of left me from the age of ten. It hurt me, that she just wanted to be with new girl instead of me, like I wasn't good enough. Come 8th-10th grade I had a couple of good friends, but they were still looked upon as the "cool girls", whilst I was the one who didn't get invited to parties. After we started first grade at high school they moved out of the city, so that year I mainly hung out with the boys in school, and noone outside of school. Luckily I moved away from all these people 2nd to 3rd year of high school and met new people in a new city that accepted me more for who I was. I've never had as many friends as I did the last two years of high school.

First year of college was kind of a bitch. A lot of things happened and the people who were my friends couldn't accept that I was honest about who I was.. Long story short, they got mad at me and rejected me because I couldn't stand up against authorities... I wasn't strong enough back then, I am now. University was a story in itself, starting out the worst year of my life when boyfriend died after being together for about 2-3 months... It changed me, it obviously made me
depresssed, and lonely.... It made me not be very logical or good about things, and whenever people said "are you OK?" I always answered honestly with a "No". That must've been hard to deal with, but honestly, what did they expect? My boyfriend was dead, I was in a new city, and I had lost the second love of my life... It had taken me about four years to get over the first one, and now the second one DIES? I mean, honestly -so not fair.

By the end of university and ridiculous amounts of DRAMA, I've finally settled down in a town where I don't know a lot of people. The people I do know, or used to hang out with moved to FREAKING Canada. Ok, they are not my only friends, but Martine was kind of my best friend, and even though you meet new people, you do miss the ones you've been closest to. Ronja is another example, we have lived together on and off for five years while I was in Tromsø, and I still miss her like crazy and wishes she lived in the same town as me. However, she is a tour guide, and tour guides in Oslo just isn't the same as in Turkey now is it!

I'm not going to list more of my friends, you all know who you are, and that I love you dearly.. Problem is I'm bad at keeping in touch with people. I'm also very touchy, and don't want to be in anyones "way" so to speak... I am too childish and quite frankly kind of DUMB sometimes, when I feel sorry for myself because nobody likes me. Who this nobody is? I don't know. I just feel like everyone else has that certain someone, a friend they either have known all their lives, or a friend that they are VERY close to, even though they are recent friends... Whilst I just don't feel like I matter that much in the big picture. No offense to any of my friends, I just feel like a lesser person, and that I don't matter -and it's not your fault it's mine.

My self esteem is something that has been a problem since those first years of school. Always being abandoned, and left for oneself really hurts... Doesn't help that biodad left me well, almost when I was born. Kind of screws you over in general now doesn't it! It really affects the person you are, if you want to or not. I have tried fighting this, I am fighting this. Seeing myself as someone being worth something, to myself or to others is really hard! I've gotten a lot better, but sometimes, just sometimes... I still feel left alone.