lørdag 5. mars 2011

Self Worth

I have problems valuing myself... I have as mentioned always been told I am not worth a lot, from my peers that is, not from say family or friends. Still, even though I really should toss all those comments away as I am adult and know better -I still feel like crap. The fact of the matter is I have a masters degree, I am managing a pharmacy, and I live in a pretty much stable relationship. I have succeeded in most of the stuff I have tried to accomplish, and still, I feel like there is some part of me missing -I always want to be better.

Fact of the matter is you don't have to be better -one should realize that how you are is perfectly good. Getting better is merely a bonus, not a necessity, and I have serious problems realizing that myself.
"Do I have a mental handicap?"

I bought myself a digital camera, and all I can think of now is that I DON'T know how to use it, and that I really should learn. So I surf the web and look at the forums to try to find out what I need to know. I find it hard -and then I get mad at myself for not being able to focus on something that really should matter to me -instead of picking it up at a later time when I might be focused enough to read it. Even after watching some videos online I still can't seem to make things stick to my brain when it comes to functionality and tips and tricks.. makes me wonder how I managed through five years of university and did pretty decently..

My biggest problem when it comes to believing in myself is in the matter of relationships with other human beings. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at friendships, and I'm bad at romantic relationships. My current one is my longest one running (2 years in case you wondered), I have a handful of friends I would call my real friends, and a gazillion acquaintances. First of all it's a matter of trust, I can't trust people to like the real me, which makes me this fake person no one likes -or at least that no one understands. Also I have this tendency to push away the people I care the most about -like boyfriends. I don't know what it is, I just don't feel like I deserve good things for some reason..

Stupid past memories, stupid past feelings and emotions and idiotic comments that stuck -who cares, I'm a grown up, successful woman at the beginning of a skyrocketing career -why shouldn't I feel good about myself ? Why shouldn't I deserve good things? Good friends, good lovers (haha, plural) and awesome acquaintances (ya'll are pretty awesome you know).
Sometimes -just sometimes, I wish I wasn't an adult.

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