Scare

So I realize my latest post might have scared some of my friends who haven't really talked to me in a while -or event those who have seen me but just don't get it (because I haven't told them).

I feel secluded, and somewhat lonely. Work is draining all of my energy, and each little change in my life hits me like a massive shard of glass hitting you in the stomach. It's bad -it's bad that I let myself get so down over something so little. That every little change, or every little word is misunderstood and hurtful. I've been this way for so long, and sometimes, just sometimes, the old bad feelings come back to haunt me, and I just don't feel anything but pain.

By the end of next months I will have a job that's closer to home. I will go up north to meet my best friend (who happens to live in Turkey) on Thursday, and seeing her will probably be good for me. What's been happening the last couple of months is that we have decided on one thing, and then suddenly this other thing might happen instead. This has been going on for lord knows how long, and I had finally had my heart settled on where we were going to be, and what was going to happen in the next six months. Then again it changed, and my heart just got shattered by the mere idea that something other than what "I had planned" happened.

I'm like that you see. I plan out things in my head, and when they do not go according to plan, instead of thinking -heck, that didn't turn out the way I thought, I shatter. It's silly and childish and somewhat stupid -but at least I have the insight to realize my flaws. Being in a relationship isn't always easy either. I wonder if everyone has problems, or if it's just me creating problems in my head. None of "our" issues are huge, but you all know it, the mess on the table, the non-clean kitchen, the dust piling up on the bookshelf... It's not like I'm some kind of monster to be with, but sometimes I am a monster to myself. I make up this idea in my head about who I should be, and when I am not I get disappointed. When I can't live up to the abnormal standards I've set for myself. Then there's always the non-deserving part of me, that thinks I'm not worth anything and that I might as well just disappear off the face of the earth.

Sometimes, just sometimes, those feelings take control and I just hurt.

I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. Just getting some hugs and hearing that people do care, makes me feel loved. Thank you.

xoxo

M

PS: Have some cake for being so awesome guys.

hurt

what is hurt ? Is it cutting your finger whilst chopping vegetables ? Is it falling on your knees while running to catch the bus ? I don't know.. All I know is that sometimes, I hurt more than I think I deserve...

I know you need to appreciate the good in life, to make the most of it and not bury down in sorrow.. Sometimes though, just sometimes, it feels as if you are being eaten alive by some hurt-monster, trying to get you to feel as bad as he does. It's as if your insides are tearing apart, making room for some unknown silence and cold. Tears stream down your face, you can't control what's going on, and you just can't seem to stop it either.

Why does it have to be that way ? Why does things have to hurt so much? I know I said I wanted changes, but sometimes, just sometimes, can't things just remain the way they are ?

Who am I kidding, I know they can't, if things remained it would hurt for someone else -someone I love, who I don't want to hurt. I just have all these hopes and dreams, and when big changes comes along and shatter them to pieces -it just hurts. I don't know what to do, I just wish you could push bad thinking and all the bad clouds away so the sun would come through.. Why do I always dig this whole and put myself in it ? I'm better than that, I know better than that.

sometimes, just sometimes, things just hurt.

xo

M

Changes

Spring is here. We have just spent 10 days in the US on vacation. Vacation was good, although coming home was great too. Norway is so much calmer, so much "safer", so much more normal to me than the US will ever be. I miss our friends over there, and of course the family too... But sometimes I appreciate that it is just the two of us, in this city, all by ourselves -with no one to answer to.

With spring come changes. I have decided to leave my job, a decision I do not regret, although I will miss the money -and some of the people. If I could just build my own pharmacy, with my own people... that would be awesome -There are other dreams that are more important though. I will change jobs 1st of July, and it seems that the "new" pharmacy will be opened 15th of July -So I'm kind of sad to miss out on it. I guess you can't dwell on the past, but merely worry about the present (haha).

I feel moody these days. If it's because my period is supposed to come next week, if it's because I'm having some sort of spring depression, lord knows.. I'm just, sad.. Sad that I can't be happy. Sad that I can't make myself feel as great about myself as I should. Why is this ? I don't get it. Again I feel friendless and lonely, even though this current week I've had wine with two old friends, and one new. I've been to a birthday party, I've been invited to another, and there's always a new moose cap Friday around the corner. So why is this ? Why can't I be pleased with what I've got, and what it is that I really want? These questions haunt me, and I truly don't know the answer.... I'm sorry if anyone gets sad because of my writings, but it's the simple truth..

what's wrong with me ?

xoxo

M