Scare

So I realize my latest post might have scared some of my friends who haven't really talked to me in a while -or event those who have seen me but just don't get it (because I haven't told them).

I feel secluded, and somewhat lonely. Work is draining all of my energy, and each little change in my life hits me like a massive shard of glass hitting you in the stomach. It's bad -it's bad that I let myself get so down over something so little. That every little change, or every little word is misunderstood and hurtful. I've been this way for so long, and sometimes, just sometimes, the old bad feelings come back to haunt me, and I just don't feel anything but pain.

By the end of next months I will have a job that's closer to home. I will go up north to meet my best friend (who happens to live in Turkey) on Thursday, and seeing her will probably be good for me. What's been happening the last couple of months is that we have decided on one thing, and then suddenly this other thing might happen instead. This has been going on for lord knows how long, and I had finally had my heart settled on where we were going to be, and what was going to happen in the next six months. Then again it changed, and my heart just got shattered by the mere idea that something other than what "I had planned" happened.

I'm like that you see. I plan out things in my head, and when they do not go according to plan, instead of thinking -heck, that didn't turn out the way I thought, I shatter. It's silly and childish and somewhat stupid -but at least I have the insight to realize my flaws. Being in a relationship isn't always easy either. I wonder if everyone has problems, or if it's just me creating problems in my head. None of "our" issues are huge, but you all know it, the mess on the table, the non-clean kitchen, the dust piling up on the bookshelf... It's not like I'm some kind of monster to be with, but sometimes I am a monster to myself. I make up this idea in my head about who I should be, and when I am not I get disappointed. When I can't live up to the abnormal standards I've set for myself. Then there's always the non-deserving part of me, that thinks I'm not worth anything and that I might as well just disappear off the face of the earth.

Sometimes, just sometimes, those feelings take control and I just hurt.

I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. Just getting some hugs and hearing that people do care, makes me feel loved. Thank you.

xoxo

M

PS: Have some cake for being so awesome guys.