Depression

Watching the last episode of OTH. Or what I thought was the last episode but apparently there's another season. In this one Haley is depressed because her mom died.. Inger, an old friend of mine, posted on facebook and her blog today that one of her friends, or acquaintance had died today. It seems like there's a lot of depression or sadness going around today. So I decided to write a post about it.

It's always sad when people pass away, and there is no words, no emotions that are big enough to describe the feeling you feel when someone you know dies, let alone when someone you LOVE dies. Been there, done that. Sounds pretty harsh, yes I know. In the moment when people have died, there seems like nothing is right in the world, and that there is no reason for anything. It will never make sense, no matter how hard you try, someones death will never make sense. Whether they die in an accident, because of illness, or because of war.. (albeit we've had this discussion before Martine, let's not get into it).

After a while it dawns on you that it wasn't a nightmare, that the people you thought were invinsible, or the people you can't believe are gone are actually exactly that -gone. But gone seems like such a harsh word, and to be honest -and this sounds tacky, but people aren't gone. If they aren't in our hearts (since our hearts are basically just a blood-pump) they are in our minds, and in our minds, even if you try, people are hardly ever forgotten. I mean how often haven't you tried to forget someone who hurt you, or some customer who is just ridiculously rude.

Depression in some cases are a matter of the mind(heart), in these cases the good old phrase that you don't believe in the moment is that time heals all wounds. Sometimes these wounds are opened again... Like the day that someone you know says as a comment, I hope I won't be that laim when someone I care for die -and you realize, and say, that's not really something you decide, that's just something that happens... Even though it is five years ago, even though most of the hurt and the pain is gone, the memories remain, and can hit you in an instant.

In other moments depression is all the moments that you've had in your life... All the people who have tried to put you down, all the people who left you behind and just didn't care anymore. The people who were never there and hurt you because of it. Bad people that really can't bug you anymore, because, guess what, they are gone. They are not in your life for a reason, so again, no reason to be depressed over that! Time, and distance(?) heals wounds too.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense. Depression doesn't make sense however. And I must admit, I have been depressed for a substantial amount of my life. There was the time when I was 15, when I had an eating disorder and fainted in school because of it. There is this time after I moved away from home to get away from the people who always bothered me -and then my boyfriend and I broke it off and I was all alone (or it felt like I was all alone) and felt bad over it. Then there was a year at college, where I was being honest about who I was, and people didn't accept me for who I was. Then there was university, realizing I got over previously mentioned boyfriend, who was actually quite liberating.. but then there was the death of my at the time boyfriend, which kinda sucked. At that exact time, I was trying to find the courage to contact my biodad, which turns out, contacted me last year in Nov/Dec on FB (old story). Then there was the dealing of that, a broken friendship after a year or so, and then finally, finding someone to love again who wasn't complicated and depressed himself. Then, there was the whole biodad issue that finally got resolved before summer.

For once in my life, I feel good about myself. Yes, I have some pounds to loose. Yes, I haven't gotten in touch with my half brother, the son of my biodad that I have met once. I don't feel like dealing with it, I don't feel like dealing with meeting biodad again right now, but at least I have met him -once. I feel like my job is OK -not perfect, but OK. I've asked for a raise, I'm getting a new boss, and to be honest one of my co-workers is driving me insane, but then again, that's probably what its like at any job. My personal life is good, my boyfriend and I am doing good. We're getting used to living together, after a year of trying :P Who said relationships and living together was easy? Ok, so it's not that bad, but it does take some getting used to another person who has their ways, compared to your (maybe a teensy bit anal) obsessive ways.

I'm good. I'm happy, I can for once, in several years (however sad that might sound) say that I am not depressed. And it feels freaking fantastic...

Again, sorry if this post doesn't make sense, you are always welcome to ask me about it.

xo

M

Quote: "It's just a hill -let's climb it together"