Things that matter

I have gotten more responses on my last blogpost than any of the previous ones. No wonder, since I have poked around in blogs and left my mark -but anywho, thank you to everyone who has commented, or read my post.. I really, truly appreciate it.

I'm lonely in this city. I have mentioned it before but I mean it, I want to point it out. As I pointed out in the previous post I've never been the kind of girl who had a lot of friends. In addition to that I have a brain that decieves me in to believeing noone likes me, or wants to be with me. Whenever I meet new people I always think that they see me as first of all Fat (mentioned eating disorder thoughts), second of all stupid (bad self-esteem) and lastly pretty lame and boring. Which I guess in some way is true. I don't enjoy going to a crowded bar to hang out and get drunk. First of all, being at a bar where they play loud music, and overcharge you for drinks kind of sucks. Second, I don't enjoy getting drunk in public places.. I dunno, I think it's got something to do with my past experiences with alochol. Don't worry, it't no big deal, I just had an ex who well... liked to drink a lot.

The reason I think I am lonely is because I make myself lonely. I want to be with people, but then again I want to stay home, so I do. come evening I get bored and alone, and stare at my monitor where noone replies to my facebookmessages, msn or tweets (trying to be "cool" and use twitter, not working). I'm also impatient... I want to have interessting conversations where I say something awesome or meaningful and "deep", and instead it's mainly just jibberish and pretty boring. I guess trying to be someone you are not is not really a good idea huh...

Parts of me want to know if everyone else has the same weird thoughts roaming around in their heads. I want to know all the random stuff people do in a day, and all their random thoughts about their lives, or others for that matter. I've spent a lot of my energy focusing on how horrible I am as a person -when in fact I am not that horrible at all... Does anyone else even think about these things? Am I a complete idiot for having this weird ass brain telling me these things?

Blargh... My brain is about to explode from all this thinking.. this blogpost sure didn't turn out the way I wanted it to... I'm just.. lonely..inside.
xoxo
M