The rain outside my window seems to have calmed down again. It's grey everywhere, but apparently the sun will come back tomorrow. We'll see. For some weird reason I've been moody today. I don't really know why. I worry alot. I guess I have always been sort of a worrier. I wish I wasn't, trust me, I don't like pining in my thoughts and being emotional because of every twisted little thing. However - I am.
I think my biggest problem is I don't know how to accept that I should be happy. I have everything I need in the world. I have a great job, I have good friends (although scattered all over the world), I have the most amazing man I could ever have, but can I just accept everything and be happy? No I can't. I think there's something "wrong" with me. I think all those years of being told I was ugly and sweatty and discusting have finally caught up with me, and it's holding me down so badly. Why can't I just get over it, when I KNOW what's wrong, why can't I just push those bad feelings away and embrace all the good ones?
I want to try. I just had to write it out a bit. Yes, this is a public blog, yes, this is showing you some of the weird stuff going on inside my head. But hey, is that always a bad thing?
I have to figure out what to eat for the next few weeks. Main goal, less carbs and sugars, and more meat and vegetables.. and most importantly of all, enough calories to keep me going.
hope you are all well