søndag 25. juli 2010

Back to life again

The rain outside my window seems to have calmed down again. It's grey everywhere, but apparently the sun will come back tomorrow. We'll see. For some weird reason I've been moody today. I don't really know why. I worry alot. I guess I have always been sort of a worrier. I wish I wasn't, trust me, I don't like pining in my thoughts and being emotional because of every twisted little thing. However - I am.

I think my biggest problem is I don't know how to accept that I should be happy. I have everything I need in the world. I have a great job, I have good friends (although scattered all over the world), I have the most amazing man I could ever have, but can I just accept everything and be happy? No I can't. I think there's something "wrong" with me. I think all those years of being told I was ugly and sweatty and discusting have finally caught up with me, and it's holding me down so badly. Why can't I just get over it, when I KNOW what's wrong, why can't I just push those bad feelings away and embrace all the good ones?

I want to try. I just had to write it out a bit. Yes, this is a public blog, yes, this is showing you some of the weird stuff going on inside my head. But hey, is that always a bad thing?

I have to figure out what to eat for the next few weeks. Main goal, less carbs and sugars, and more meat and vegetables.. and most importantly of all, enough calories to keep me going.

hope you are all well

1 kommentar:

martine sa...

It's hard to fix mental stuff. And I sorta know how you feel. I mean, I got really depressed last week even though I should be happy: I'm with the man I love, in an exciting new country, I'm writing and making friends. Yet I felt lonely, I missed home and I was depressed.

Question you've gotta ask yourself is: do I want to be depressed?

Because there's gotta be a reason why that's your default mode. I'm not saying you subconciously find it enjoyable, but maybe you find it comforting or safe? Being sad is something you're used to, so you keep at it even though there is no longer any reason to?

I'm no expert here, but I get caught up in old habits and trains of thought myself. Getting rid of them takes a lot of will, effort and practice. I can only speak for myself, but I'm happy to have attacked most of my issues head on. Still struggling with a few of them, but glad to be rid of the ones I have mastered.

My two cents: You've got to sit down with yourself, figure out why you feel the way you do and what it gives you. Then you've gotta attack it. Say it's a fear of heights. I'm not saying you should jump out of an aeroplane right away, but try going up on a chair and then jumping down. Next time: two steps on a stairs. Time after that: a little higher. See what I mean? (I did not choose an emotional issue because, well, way to personal for the internet).

This is just my opinion though. Could be I'm way off on why you're depressed or what's going on. Feel free to disregard if it doesn't sound right, and I hope you feel better! :)