Eating Disorder

My name is M, and I have an eating disorder.

It all started about 11 years ago, and even though I have gone six years without going back in to starvation mode, I am still somewhat starving my body. Whenever I am under a lot of emotional stress, I stop eating certain meals in a day, or even if I do eat I don't eat enough and my hunger takes over.

As you all know (well, some of you know), I have been working out to get stronger, not necessarily to lose weight.. Although I must admit I was hoping for the latter. That obviously failed, but at least I have noticed I have gained muscle mass over the last year. However, I have not worked out very much since November, so whatever muscle mass I had built up has most likely deteriorated in to fat cells yet again. Does it matter? Does it make me less of a person? Probably not. Do I feel like it does? Yes I do.

From the age of fourteen I had anorexia. I think it started when I was sick, and realized that by not eating I lost a lot of weight and my thights that used to be glued to my ancles, were now hanging like nothing else around my calfs... At 12/14 that was probably not the best thing to notice at said point. I have never known my biological father, which in many cases made me feel very abandoned as a child. I had everything I wanted and needed, a loving mom, a caring step-dad and the worlds best family. I have had some friend losses through the years, and I never really fit in to the "norm" where I was from... Sadly that didn't help on the eating disorder.

The death of my then boyfriend in 2004 made me promise myself (and him) that I would never go back to not eating. And I never have. I am noticing that even though I am trying not to think of it, my head is still in anorexia and self loathing mode. As you might remember I promised myself I would be nicer to myself this year, and not hate myself as much as I have done previous years. Despite this promise, despite having a perfectly good night last night and day today, I still loathe myself as much as I used to. I don't think I'm good enough, I don't feel pretty "enough", and I just want to put my head in the sand and disappear -I mean, would anyone even notice?

I have concidered enrolling in some course to loose weight -but because of my personal issues with weight and food, going in to one of these programs is too unsafe and scary for my part. It sounds silly, but that is just how I feel -and I hope you understand that. I have a boyfriend who is perfectly able to help me lose weight, as he did it himself once. However, he says as any therapist would say -you have to do it yourself, I can not do it for you. It is true, I need to make my own meal plan, I need to figure out how to incorporate workouts in to my daily routines, and I need to make time to make lunch and breakfast probably the night before so I can make sure I actually wake up in time to eat it.

I needed to post this, mainly for myself. I need to deal with my issues, and face my fears (RIP Regine). They might seem small and feeble to some, to be they are my nightmare, the reason for my sorrows and despair, and my lifelong struggle to love myself. To me -this is a big deal.
xoxo
M